Something embarrassing happened the other night. A friend of mine had lipstick on his face. I licked my thumb and reached out to wipe it from his cheek. Luckily, no-one saw me and I made a hasty retreat.
It got me thinking of the things I do now, when child-free, which gives the game away. It’s like walking around with a big, flashing red arrow pointing at your head with the words Mum on the Loose emblazoned on it.
It got me thinking of the other incriminating things I do when out, sans children. So, here’s my list.
You Know You’re A Mum When…
1) You haven’t changed the way you do your make-up for at least five years, maybe 10, maybe 20. Not to say you still use blue eyeshadow, but when you notice teenagers wearing the same colour lipstick as you, then you know you’re not up with the youngsters, you just haven’t moved on from 1990.
2) When dining out with friends, you eat your food in super speed, just in case things go pear-shaped. Or perhaps you’re just so excited to eat hot food. Or maybe you’re scoffing it down just in case someone tries to eat something off your plate. Or you’re scared the babysitter will call telling you to come home. Or all of the above.
3) You pour everyone’s water for them, but just a third of a glass, just in case anyone spills it.
4) You try to cut up your husband’s steak.
5) You look at your watch every fifteen minutes, wondering if you’ll get enough sleep.
6) You think doing the “bus stop” is cutting edge on the dance floor, but your friends stop you in time, before you launch into the “chicken dance”.
7) You plan out the entire evening before you’ve even left the house. Oh, who am I kidding, you plan it out weeks in advance.
8) You get dressed at the last possible minute so to avoid your children wiping snot on your clothes.
9) No matter what you do, there’s always snot on your clothes.
10) After trying on your heels, you wear flat shoes out. Unless, you’ve got a big bag and you carry a second pair of shoes for back-up.
11) You get super excited about going to the toilet. All. By. Yourself.
12) You make comments like “If my girls ever wear clothes like that, they’ll never leave the house” or “Man, those kids like look they’re 10-years-old” or the gem: “I wish someone would ask me for ID”.
13) You go hard early, sculling your entire evening’s alcohol content in the first hour.
14) When at a coffee shop with a friend, you automatically push the sugar to the side of the table, so no-one eats out of it. Ditto with the salt and pepper. Knives are also removed.
15) You consider it quality “me time” going to the supermarket by yourself. Same goes for the dentist.
16) You turn the music off when you get into the car, because it might be the only time you hear nothing for weeks.
17) You know all the words to the Dora theme song.
18) You can name every character from In The Night Garden and make the accompanying sounds.
19) Wine time gets earlier each day of school holidays. By the end, you’re having gin on your Weetbix.
20) You have to make a rule with friends to not discuss kids when out. Pre-kids there were no rules when going out with friends.
21) When people ask you how work is, you list going to the toilet by yourself as the highlight, followed closely by drinking hot coffee.
22) You nod when reading this list.
Have you got any to add?
This made me laugh so hard! I can relate to it all. Especially #16 but I thought I was the only one who did that 😉
nodding! and you always always always carry tissues or wipes in your bag.
Very good, BW – spot on.
Here are a few others: standing in the checkout queue at the supermarket, you subconsciously sway from side to side as if rocking a baby; your handbag – the one you use for Going Out By Yourself – nevertheless has small toys stashed throughout; sitting at cafe tables you always have at least one hand wrapped around a corner of the table that is toddler-head-height; you do not buy any clothes that do not have pockets; your ponytail is always held together by a pink sparkly hair tie because it’s the only one you can find; your car is bigger than your bedroom.
You make me laugh!
Now that my boys are bigger these don’t apply as much but I used to always make sure I left the house with snacks & drinks ( drinks still apply because buggered if I’m sharing my water bottle with either of those two- they might backwash!). You always ask if they need to go to the toilet before leaving the house. Now I ask if they have shoes because it’s happened too many times that we arrive at a destination to find someone is barefoot ( only appropriate for the beach).
Haha – It’s funny you mention going to the dentist as ‘me time’ as that’s how I begin my post today. The thing I do that gives me away… I refer to myself as ‘mummy’… ie.. looking at the menu “Mmmm I think Mummy will have the fish!”… or walking round the supermarket declaring to no one in particular “Mummy is tired today. Mummy needs a coffee”.. XX
You’re in work meeting and you announce: “can you excuse me a minute…I just need to go do a wee”…
Great. Love it. When I go out I always find in my handbag: a nappy, a banana skin, a squeaky toy or one sock.
Watching the child of a complete stranger fall and graze a knee and automatically reaching into your bag for the supply of tissues and bandaids you always carry.
Ha, I love it! I would add that my handbag contains more odd toys than beauty products, and that without thinking you whip a tissue out of no where to wipe snot from a childs’ nose. Any child. Because even if its not your child, you don’t want that snot getting everywhere, that’s just gross.
Lol!! So many truths!! Love it!! My husband constantly winds our kids up about being ‘down with the Yoof’ they hate it and think we are totally not cool!! When did that happen??? X
Fabulous post! I nodded the whole way through 🙂
ha! I just gained some new insights into myself right then 🙂
No to numbers 1, 6, 10, 17, 18, and 19… but the rest of the list sums up my life. How about 23: Every outfit I wear depends on how easy it is to get a boob out.