Something embarrassing happened the other night. A friend of mine had lipstick on his face. I licked my thumb and reached out to wipe it from his cheek. Luckily, no-one saw me and I made a hasty retreat.

It got me thinking of the things I do now, when child-free, which gives the game away. It’s like walking around with a big, flashing red arrow pointing at your head with the words Mum on the Loose emblazoned on it.

It got me thinking of the other incriminating things I do when out, sans children. So, here’s my list.

You Know You’re A Mum When…

1) You haven’t changed the way you do your make-up for at least five years, maybe 10, maybe 20. Not to say you still use blue eyeshadow, but when you notice teenagers wearing the same colour lipstick as you, then you know you’re not up with the youngsters, you just haven’t moved on from 1990.

2) When dining out with friends, you eat your food in super speed, just in case things go pear-shaped. Or perhaps you’re just so excited to eat hot food. Or maybe you’re scoffing it down just in case someone tries to eat something off your plate. Or you’re scared the babysitter will call telling you to come home. Or all of the above.

3) You pour everyone’s water for them, but just a third of a glass, just in case anyone spills it.

4) You try to cut up your husband’s steak.

5) You look at your watch every fifteen minutes, wondering if you’ll get enough sleep.

6) You think doing the “bus stop” is cutting edge on the dance floor, but your friends stop you in time, before you launch into the “chicken dance”.

7) You plan out the entire evening before you’ve even left the house. Oh, who am I kidding, you plan it out weeks in advance.

8) You get dressed at the last possible minute so to avoid your children wiping snot on your clothes.

9) No matter what you do, there’s always snot on your clothes.

10) After trying on your heels, you wear flat shoes out. Unless, you’ve got a big bag and you carry a second pair of shoes for back-up.

11) You get super excited about going to the toilet. All. By. Yourself.

12) You make comments like “If my girls ever wear clothes like that, they’ll never leave the house” or “Man, those kids like look they’re 10-years-old” or the gem: “I wish someone would ask me for ID”.

13) You go hard early, sculling your entire evening’s alcohol content in the first hour.

14) When at a coffee shop with a friend, you automatically push the sugar to the side of the table, so no-one eats out of it. Ditto with the salt and pepper. Knives are also removed.

15) You consider it quality “me time” going to the supermarket by yourself. Same goes for the dentist.

16) You turn the music off when you get into the car, because it might be the only time you hear nothing for weeks.

17) You know all the words to the Dora theme song.

18) You can name every character from In The Night Garden and make the accompanying sounds.

19) Wine time gets earlier each day of school holidays. By the end, you’re having gin on your Weetbix.

20) You have to make a rule with friends to not discuss kids when out. Pre-kids there were no rules when going out with friends.

21) When people ask you how work is, you list going to the toilet by yourself as the highlight, followed closely by drinking hot coffee.

22) You nod when reading this list.

Have you got any to add?

bigwords x