Let me start with this disclaimer. I am completely in support of women who choose to work. And I acknowledge the women who would so desperately rather be at home, but out of financial necessity have to work full time. It is my choice to work only small amounts from home. It is my choice to have babies and forgo my career. This is my story and these are my personal circumstances. I support choice. And the simple fact I feel it necessary to even write this disclaimer, for fear of finger pointing, pisses me off.
I am in a lucky position that we can afford for me to be a full time, stay at home Mum. I say lucky, because for me I think these early years when my babies are still babies are precious. For me, I know how important it is for my babies to look to me, and my husband, for their daily needs. Without fail, I’m always there to pick them up when they fall, give them kisses and watch them grow. I’m their go-to person.
Since my first child was born nearly 4 years ago, I have relished in my role as Mum. I now have three children, my youngest is 6 months and my second born is 2 and-a-half years old. Before my third child was born, people would say you’re such a natural mother and you seem so relaxed. And you know what, most of the time I was. I was really enjoying it.
I remember hearing a friend say she had “reached her patience threshold” with two children and would not be having a third. At the time, I thought to myself how I had not reached that threshold. How, I was at times grumpy, bored and annoyed, but I hadn’t reached a “patience threshold”. As I lay my hands on my swollen belly, I remember wondering to myself how I would cope with three children under four. Would I be able to do it?
Well, I don’t think I can. Not with the same relaxed manner as before. I’ve changed, I’m uptight.
I’m struggling. I’ve reached my “patience threshold” and as a result I am paralysed with guilt. I feel guilty for wishing my children would go and sit in another room far away from me, but most parent’s feel like that at least once a day, don’t they? Mostly, I feel guilty for even thinking a couple of days working outside of the home would make me a better mother. I made a pact to my children when they were inside my belly that I would not leave them. My two eldest children go to childcare for one day a week, to prepare them, and me, for kindy. The thought of leaving them any longer tears me apart. The thought of not giving my baby the same undivided care as her two sisters pulls at my heart. The guilt of even thinking about it is eating away at me.
But, I am not being the mother I want to be. I am beginning to realise that I am spending too much time with my children. I am shouting more, I cringe when they shout demands at me. Today, I put a packet of biscuits in a bowl on the kitchen floor and told them to eat as many as they wanted because I couldn’t deal with them haranguing me for food anymore. There are days that instead of waking up with a smile on my face, I have a tight knot in my tummy. I look at the clock willing it to be 5pm so I can have a glass of wine. That’s not what motherhood is meant to be like, well not the way I do it anyway. I’m a fun Mum.
Once my eldest starts kindergarten in a couple of months, I think I will have a different perspective, but until that time I know I need a bit more time to myself because I’m scared my babies will forget that relaxed, self assured mother they once had. I want to find her again. I want to get that damn “patience threshold” monkey off my back.
PS: I wrote this post after a particularly trying few days. After I saved it to my drafts folder I skyped my husband this message: “Wednesday’s are now mine”. So, from this week I will head to his office space and work on his business and my freelancing. He will do all things kids. He’s happy, I’m happy and what matters most to me in the world; the kids will be happy.
How have you dealt with the guilt of working or not working?
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This is so honest, and I’m sure your feelings are echoed by a lot of parents out there. The problem with the patience threshold is that you don’t know you are nearing yours until it is too late. I think I had enough patience for one child, but I have two. I have absolutely no regrets, but I recognise that I don’t have the patience, so I try really hard to make sure I get time out.
Love this post. Thanks for sharing it.
What a fab post! The only thing that saddens me is that you have to start with the disclaimer – what a shame the world isn’t the type of place where you can write a blog like that and have everyone accept it in the manner in which it was intended.
That aside, I completely understand your sentiments and just wanted to write a little note to let you know that to be the best mother you can be you need to listen to your heart and do what is best for you – your youngest will never be aware that you were there for the others every day of the week – your youngest will only be aware that when mummy is about she’s happy and engaged.
Also, it’s a subject I have given much thought as I had difficulties with a very jealous younger sister and my parents went out of their way to ensure everything was equal for us. Personally, I think it’s better if your children understand that good things come to us at different times and it isn’t equal, but sometimes your place in life means you will experiences pros and cons associated with who you are as an individual.
Hope this helps, cheers! Alli x
I’m struggling with this and I only have one child.
I went back to work one day a week so that my husband could have some one on one time with the baby and I could have a little adult conversation… but having to organize everything for them for the whole day was just so annoying – I would rush around the night before and morning before getting milk defrosting, bibs out, changes of clothes ready, not because my husband couldn’t do it but he would forget and then not know where to find things, and then, even with a routine written down he forgot to feed the baby… I left work, it was a pathetic wage any way. I’m blogging more… it’s the only adult thing I do and I’m clinging to it!
It’s such a hard struggle! I raised my son until the age of 6 on my own with no financial support from his father. Out of neccessity , and the want for giving him the life I felt he deserved, I started my own business from home. I did put him in daycare a couple of days a week as the business grew. I have had the business for approx 8 years and it has now grown into a comercial space. With that of course comes the internal struggle and guilt because I now spend much more time away from home. I am now married to a wonderful man and we have a 15 month old as well as my 8 year old from the previous relationship.
As supportive as my husband is, I still find that a lot of the ‘parenting guilt’ always falls upon the mother. My husband is from a fairly traditional greek family, and recently an auntie (whilst having a conversation with my husband, not me) turned to me and told me very sternly that it is wrong to have my 15 month old in daycare 3 days a week. I am the bread winner in our family, yet as blended as the parenting roles seem to be these days in most families, the mother still seems to take the brunt of peoples opinions when it comes down to raising the kids. As much as I try not to let other peoples opinions efffect me, it is very hard not to. I feel completelty overloaded and extremely tired most of the time because I am trying to be everything to everyone. I have my toddler with me at work 3 days a week- not many men in a parenting role would be expected to do that!
Sometimes I do look at female friends of mine and feel very envious that they are not working, but at the same time, I am very glad I had my now 8 year old at such a young age, as if it wasnt for him I wouldn’t started my business and become self sufficient.
It is soooo hard to find the right balance. Thanks for your honest writing.
(Sorry if I had a bit of a rant! I guess it was needed!)
My two days are frantic but mine. I have never had a full crazy melt down or lost patience with my kids too much, but that could more be my personality not the fact my kids are angels or the fact I have time away from them. Not working is a possibility if I really needed to, but we all get a lot out of me working. My eldest has made such amazing friends from her time in creche, I have been proud of my work achievements etc.
What an honest, heart-felt post. It was really interesting to read. I know where you’re at. I’m also a SAHM and my youngest (twins) have just started school. The bit of space to myself during the day in between everything else is just what I need. You’ll probably find your mojo again once they are a little older. Until then, let’s keep up the gin!
I’ve always worked. I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I wouldn’t… weird, but there you go. I did have 3 kids under 4, though, so that’s a lot of SAHMing while I did 3 maternity leaves. I went a bit nuts, but I realise now that I never surrendered myself to home life. I always knew at the back of my mind that life would change when I went back to work, so I didn’t sit in the pocket of home life like I could have.
Jury is out for me on whether it makes a difference to the juniorburgers. I’ve always had fantastic care, a huge support network and a great work-life balance… so…. not sure!! x
I work a few days a week. I am over it all now. Work is too busy. Home is too busy. I have hit the wall! My kids mean the world to me but the pull to be everything to everyone is doing my head in! More nights out on the town is what I need! It was fab to meet you the other night at the Cocktail function x
Bianca,
Thankyou for your honestly.
Over the past 5 years since having kids I have worked both full-time and part-time, not at all and am now trying my hand at working from home. Each have their pros and cons and I’m yet to find the perfect balance.
In the meantime, I’ll be trying the biscuits in a bowl on the floor trick one day. That would be my boys dream!
xAndrea
This scares me a little. I have a 11 month old daughter & since I was made redundant while on maternity leave we have survived on one casual chef wage. It hasnt been easy financially but it has been rewarding in the time I’ve spent with my daughter. But like you I have days when I’ve had enough of her & I need some space. Luckily I can visit my parents who will quite happily take her off my hands.
I want to have one or two more kids but some days I wonder how on earth I’ll cope? I don’t know if I’ll be the best mum I can be if I have more than one child.
Bianca this is just a fantastic post. As a mum who has had to work outside the home (albeit part-time) for the past 15 years, the guilt is always there. My youngest starts school on Tuesday. Am I as excited as him? You bet. I’m also a little bit nostalgic – no more mummy days, just him and me. But what I am really excited about is that having stepped away from paid employment to self employment almost three years ago, I will be available most afternoons for him. With my teenagers, it was awful through their primary school years, trying to juggle working in an office, being there for them and maybe, just maybe, finding 5 minutes for myself. Enjoy your Wednesdays. This I’m scheduling one day (school hours) a fortnight just for me. Can’t wait.
That’s the core of what I loved about this post, Bianca. It was about a woman’s right to make her own choices and not feel guilty about them.
Wow what a great post and comments. I’m so busy juggling kids, work and birthdays that Im only reading this now at 11pm. I run my own company three days a week, have two beautiful kids 4 and 2 and try and keep up with
my husbands three older kids. This week we have a 4th birthday a 2nd birthday and a 19th. I survive by having a cleaner an understanding and committed husband and good friends that don’t get cross with me (i hope) when I get times and dates mixed up. Wishing everyone the best in their own balance.
Thanks, I am so looking forward to going to the toilet on my own, going for a coffee, meeting other friends who work in town for lunch and having time to write. And yes, the girls are going to love having my husband for the whole day – just the four of them. x
I can talk to my mum, but until later next month I am still here alone 🙁 Well, I mean not completely alone since I do have a husband and all… but… alone, if you know what I mean? I am trying to MAKE myself have me time daily. It’s hard though!
I would always work- I would go insane being a stay at home mum. Maybe that’s selfish- I dunno. But that’s the way i am. Yes there are days I wish i could have stayed home with my babies but to be honest I am not a hang out at playgroups or meet at Mums group type. Much better for my kids to go and play with other kids at the childminders three days a week and me go and play at work- then we are both stimulated.
Would I have worked if my husband was rolling in it? Yes, but I might have taken more than 3 months off on maternity leave when my son was born. But economics made that impossible at the time.
Don’t feel guilty- you feel the way you feel. I’m surprised it didn’t happen earlier. You need time to be you instead of just Mum. Nothing to be guilty about there.
I’ve done both. I enjoyed being a SAHM but also needed some time off and so my children were in childcare for a couple of days. As I became a single parent, I needed to put my youngest in care for three days, while my older was at school, just so I could get my head together.
Now I have to work full-time (nearly) to pay the bills. My mortgage repayments are actually less than my rent was, so, no it’s not a choice, at the moment. I hate it. I miss the relaxed time with my kids. All I get is a couple of hours of hectic, stressed time a day. And no time with either of individually.
There’s got to be a better way. I need to find a better way. I think by the end of the year I will quit my job and sell my house and find somewhere cheaper, quieter to live, where I can be who I want to be. Who I know I really am….
It happened to me,too, with the third. Though the third is, for the most part, an angel child. Perhaps it’s just that the older two have gotten more demanding in that whiny young child way.
And I feel the same way you do. Just a teensy bit of time away – one afternoon a week, even -would be so wonderful.
As for working outside the home, working at home, or being a stay at home mom. Each woman does what’s best for her and her family. I hate that it’s become such a devisive issue. I’ve been each and I do enjoy the work at home mom me more, but I also find it increasingly stressful trying to fit in work, plus household chores plus keeping the children entertained. And I do feel sometimes that my husband doesn’t value my “work” work – thinking that me staying up until 2am to meet deadlines is acceptable because I’ll just be at home the next day. Or, worse yet, telling me to just go to bed and miss my deadline!
I think any parent with three children – especially three so close in age – feels that same kind of knot, whether working outside the home or not. But it’s nice to know you’ll have a regular break.
Wow, what a great post. I thoroughly relate to what you’re saying. There are days when I consider going back to work but I’m just not ready yet. I think we all have those moments when we dream of peace and quiet and personal space – we’re only human after all! I think you and your husband have come up with a great solution and I really hope it works out for you!
Bianca, THANK YOU for hitting publish on your post.
Thank you for your honesty, thank you thank you!
You have so elegantly put into words how I have felt 60% of the time. I love my babies with every inch of my being but I am so very untight and I don’t feel like I am being the best mother I can be. I am now back to work myself, 2 nights a week and things are slowly improving – It’s so nice to be Holly again for a little bit and the kids are loving the alone time with their dad.
I hope your alone-time Wednesdays refresh you and help you get back to where you want to be x
Could have written this myself. Literally.
xxx
Excellent Post – I think I reached my patience threshold a couple of times this week! But I’m still not ready to go back to work. I love being “at home” with the kids (not that we’re home much!) and it drives me nuts that people keep asking me when I’m going back to work, especially now Claire is 2 – my point is she is ONLY 2! I know I am lucky to be in this position to be able to choose not to work, and if I could find some suitable part time work I might nearly be ready to consider it, but I don’t think it should be assumed that I SHOULD go back to work now they’re not babies. I’m also a bit of an egocentric control freak, who thinks no one else could look after my kids as well as I can! Must work on that.
I think every mother feels like this, from time to time (maybe even for weeks, months or years at a time). We are mothers, but we are also individuals, and we have feelings too.
I don’t think the question of work really has anything to do with it. Many things happen in our life which are quite separate to our role as mothers which place stress on us. And we need to process these feelings. We also all have very different personalities, likes and dislikes etc.
Maybe a mother who works is feeling stressed about a work project that isn’t going well. And her patience threshold with her children may be low because of this.
A mother who gets the chance to do little else but be a mother may find her patience threshold low because she is simply not getting the chance to have a break.
Maybe there has been a death, illness, car accident, family disagreement (or whatever) and a mother’s patience threshold may be low because of this.
Work or no work….it’s called life. We are mothers, but we are people first.
As long as we all just do the best we can and find whatever works for us (and our families) then go ahead and do that. As long as women don’t beat themselves, or each other, up for making those personal choices (that is my only concern). None of this guilt rubbish!
All the best with your personal choice (and big hugs to those mothers out there who don’t feel like they have a choice to make due to their own personal circumstances).
xx00xx
Great Post! I’m a ‘working’ mum in that I have a paid job and I also work from home but what you need to remember is that SAHMs are also working mums, and sometimes you’ll feel the same sort of frustrations and impatience that you would feel if you were working in a regular old office. And thats okay too.
Your arrangement with your husband sounds unreal – circumstances change. They might change again in a year’s time and you can consider how you’ll change with it then. But until then, don’t beat yourself about it. And if someone points a finger at you, bite it.
Nice work Bigwords. I stayed home for the first 6 years and then had to return18hrs a week as my other half was starting a business and we need the money. I’m finishing in 2 weeks and I’m debating which way to go. I am VERY aware that in 3 years they’ll all be at school and the wonderful time of babies and toddlers will be over for me. But I to know all about that Patience threshold!!! I
Oh me – you are me all over! My eldest is 9 in a couple of weeks and I have worked on and off since he was a very very little baby. This year? No more. No more working outside of the home. I can’t do it anymore. My babies need me around. I have decided to start a business and work from home when they are at school. I know all that you are saying! I hear every bit of it! Good luck. Things are never easy when you are the Mummy! xo
I agree… Children probably won’t remember you spent one day out of the house a week, but they’ll remember an uptight, tired, shouty mother x
I’ve got two, 4 and 2.5, and I have reached my patience threshold big time. I realised it the other day when I yelled at them for something and immediately my eldest clasped her hands to her ears and the youngest ran off. That’s who I’ve become, the shouty mum. and I so don’t want to be the shouty mum. But as a stay at home mum, pretty isolated, without any good friends around, I find myself taking it all out on them. And that’s not fair.
I want to be a fun mum and yet I have tolerance any more for games, crafts, reading and playing. I just can’t do it. I loath it. The very thought of spending yet another day like that makes me want to run screaming form the room. I can’t wait for them to start school (at age 6 here) but I’m also dreading the eldest starting because it will be 2 years at home with the youngest all day, every day. I need a glass of wine just thinking about it.
We are so, so lucky in our family that my husband and I can share the care of our children so that they have that wonderful nurturing from us both 100% of the time. Given our circumstances, my husband can’t work any more than he can and I have to work for us to survive financially. I feel the guilt every time I leave my children in the morning, and every time they say to me when I tuck them into bed at night “mummy why do you have to go to work tomorrow?”. It breaks my heart every single time. But having said that, the time away from them is so rejuvenating for me. So when I do have time with them I have the energy to really try and be a great mum. We have a nice balance, whereby when one of us has reached the end of their tether by the time the other one gets home, the other one can step in and get things back on track. And more and more the boys are developing a wonderful relationship with their dad. Good luck xx
Wonderful post, thankyou for writing it and hitting publish. I have also hit my patience threshold, especially now we know one of our children has ASD and requires extra patience threshold quota. I work part time and went back when my youngest was 6 mtgs and it tote me in two as I wasn’t ready but had no choice. That said though i love my job and the time away to be me (even though i spend the days with other peoples children 😉 ). I find it hard to find as much patience with my own kids as with the ones I teach, but we are getting there. I am so looking forward to the one on one time with the youngest this year. Your work/ me time arrangment sounds perfect and I hope it gives you just the break you need to recharge in your week 🙂
I have always worked, fairly soon after I’ve had each of my 3 children. I wanted to and to be honest, needed to. I am a better mum, better person, if I get out and work. This is such a personal and individual thing and I had many detractors. Probably still do. Some to my face, others behind my back, but to be honest, I no longer care. I nearly always make it to assemblies, sports days and other stuff like that.
Great post Bianca xx
We all deal with the guilt, whether its staying at home and wanting to work,or vice versa. Three is much harder than two, it just is. It’ll get easier with the oldest in school.
I might just be a lowly dad but I sympathise. I love my boys to bits and when I come home from work I feel I ought to spend as much time with them as I can. But, as a human being, I need my own space and some me time. Otherwise I get narky and that is no fun for anyone. So now the wife and I have time each day just for ourselves. One of us will “have the kids” while the other does their own thing. It has got us through the worst and now the kids are of an age where they play on their own more and more anyway. Don’t be guilty. You need your own space to be able to function. It really is better for everybody if you have it.
Love, love, love this post. I am sure every mother who reads it will nod in acknowledgment of a similar feeling or reaction. I giggled when you admitted throwing the biscuits in a bowl on the floor (we’ve all been there).
For what it’s worth and I think others have said the same, heading to school will make a big difference. Unfortunately, part-time school can be a complete pain in the arse (I remember driving my eldest to half day school and feeling like I was continually removing sleeping babies and toddlers from their beds and car seats) but full time school is heavenly.
The next few years are a slog, they’ll be moments of sunshine and moments of dreary groundhog blah. I’ve been judged (by myself as well as others) for all of our different stages, no help, having help, part-time work, full-time work, giving up work…….
Bianc, you do what’s right for you and know that at the end of the day, those who know you, know that you are a smart and highly competent woman who’s making the best decisions for her family.
Kirstyxx
4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle
*I feel the need to add the disclaimer that Bianca is my cousin. I know, how lucky am I?!
Thanks for posting this. It’s great to know that we’re not alone in this world when it comes to “reaching patience thresholds” and feeling guilty when we crave our space. It’s normal and I think sometimes people expect a lot out of mums or maybe we think they do and fear what they might think of us. My youngest is starting school this year, and as much as I am a tad sad that my baby is starting, I am also thoroughly happy and yet also terrified that I’ll be by myself. That I’ll actually have some alone time (5 days a week!!! YIPPEEEE!!). I guess this is where the mantra “Happy mum = happy child” comes in. We are human, we CAN feel trapped and we NEED our space.
I so hope whatever you decide wrks well for you and your kids. Sounds like a great idea x
I could have written this. I am at tat same point, unfortunately I can’t have hubs look after the kids for a day so I am not sure exactly what I am going to do about it. Thanks for sharing this so honestly
Do you have someone you could reach out to to help? Do you have a good library nearby or playgroup? I hope you find that time in the day you need to recharge. Big love xx
Thanks Kirst, I look to you a lot as a parenting role model (as you are an amazing mother) and that’s a lot of pressure to live up to! Your love and support means so much to me x
aaaahhh school…. a distant dream. I bet I’ll be writing about how sad I’ll be to see them off to school x
Thank you for reading. Sometimes I worry what others will think when they read, but it makes me feel so wonderful to know there are others feeling like me. Enjoy your one on one time when it comes x
To have the love and care of both parents is such a wonderful gift for your children. A perfect arrangement. Your boys a very lucky. Having been raised by a single mother I know how hard it is for a person by themself to get that much needed alone time x
I hope you enjoyed your down time this arvo! Sounds like you needed it x
I love your idea of day a fortnight just for you. As you know, when you run a business from home it’s hard to STOP working. You need that “me” time. x
Katrina, congrats on the business. You truly are amazing at what you do (Katrina redesigned my blog). Good luck with the juggle x
Thanks Jacki. Some days are really hard, but mostly they are full of joy and fun x
Thanks gorgeous x
I love your advice. Yes, I will bite it!! So true about the frustrations being similar at home or at work x
I wanted to comment in more detail, Bianca, but I was dealing with the three little tackers when I commented initially.
Where you are now – that was where I was at 4 years ago – Lexie was 6 months, Charlie was 18 months and Livvy not even 3. Utter chaos.
But now. Now I have them at 6, 5 and 4 years old. They are great kids. All of a sudden I feel like the mud that I was trying to wade through has drained away. Like all the menial drudgery and frustrations are paying off…
xx
“guilt is a useless emotion” – I’m sure you’ve heard that before, but it is easy to say, harder to live hey?
For what it’s worth, what I heard in your post was not you wondering if you should work outside the home or not, but you feeling stretched to your limits, you needing some ‘me time’, and needing some space to re-group and get your head around the new status quo…. however you achieve that, whether it be a few extra days of care, or your DH or a family member or friend stepping up to help, you’ll do it with your family’s best interests at heart… and you are part of that family…. if it isn’t working for you it isn’t working for anyone.
*hugs* I hope a me-day re-energises you… oh and yep… I often wish everyone (even the baby_ would just stop talking to me, stop touching me and gosh darn leave me alone…. and I still feel lucky. Cranky sometimes, but lucky.
It’s all about finding a balance that works for you, if that means taking a day a week where you can become a human being again, have adult conversations, drink a cup of coffee and go to the loo in peace then so be it. It will make you appreciate the time that you do spend with your children all the more. Don’t feel guilty, they will absolutely love having their Daddy around for the day. It’s a win-win situation.