I got on the scales for the first time in two months today and although I knew what to expect, I still cried when I saw the number. I’ve done it again. Lost lots of weight and put it all back on again, plus an extra five kilos. I’ve never been this big before and even my fat clothes are getting too tight. I think I’ve hit my rockbottom – again.
I know I’m more than my size. I know other people do not judge me as harshly as I judge myself. I know I am smart and funny and a good person. I just feel shitty. I’m just not ok with the way I’m looking and feeling at this weight. I’m being swallowed by my own fat which is suffocating the “real” me. It’s my problem, not anybody else’s. I sound like such a broken record that I’m going to keep this post short because seriously who wants to read what they’ve already read here before, over and over. I did it to my myself, so I need to pull myself out of my slump and get serious again.
So, despite feeling disheartened, I’m off to a catch up with some Adelaide bloggers I’ve never met and I’ll walk in confidently, while on the inside I beat myself up. And then I’ll probably come home and console myself with some junk food while looking at healthy recipes online (you, know like diet through osmosis). I’ve written a To Do list. I have a plan of attack. I know what I need to do. The only think stopping myself from achieving my goals is me.
I really hope I don’t let myself down again.
Bianca x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Oh I so understand where you’re coming from today. I am starting 12WBT tomorrow and had to go and buy some scales. I am bigger than I’ve ever been, can’t stop feeling disgusted at myself and wonder how I’m going to do the program. I’m already doubting myself and haven’t even started yet. I have just done the shopping for it but am just so down. I can’t believe I have let myself get to this. And you’re right, we are most hardest on ourselves. And I was just about to hit launch on my new style blog tomorrow and I’m even doubting that now. Bugger bugger bum.
Oh Bianca I feel your pain. I am starting 12wbt tomorrow and just had to go buy some scales. I can’t believe what I read. Am biggest I have ever been, and I’m so down in myself. Doubting that I can do it again, just when I thought I could. I need to get my mind right and I know I have a lot to lose but the number was even higher than I thought. And with me about to press launch on my new style blog. Yes, we are hardest on ourselves but s hit, sometimes it just sucks doesn’t it ? Bugger bugger bum
I think the disappointment we feel in ourselves can be the worst feeling. Remember one change at a time and set some realistic goals. (with realistic rewards when you achieve them!)
With you in solidarity, not because I have any answers but because I’ve had the same experience. Just got back from the doctors after having tests done for why I feel so crappy all the time: after he tells me I need to look after myself, I immediately want to go home via the drive-thru. Both to console myself and beat myself up further. Hope you find something that works for you. Feeling shit about your body is just too exhausting.
Thinking of you – it can be so hard being healthy and exercising. I always say things like “if only the kids didn’t wake me at night I’d have the energy for the gym” or “if only I didn’t have lots of chores to do”. But you know what? I keep thinking I desperately want to be around watching my kids grow up. Sometimes that gets my adrenalin pumping and get me off my butt… keep smiling and know there’s lots of people you’ve never ever met cheering you on your bumpy journey xxx
What gets me is how we hit rockbottom & decide that we have to do something that this is the exact time our confidence is such that doing anything is hard. With you on this…virtually…
Babe, I’m with you. Always. x
Totally get it. I had my moment over the xmas break where we were at the beach with a group of mates and all our kids, and the ‘yummy mummies’ were in bikinis and frolicking on the beach and I was too embarrassed to take off my shorts and t-shirt. I realised I don’t want to be that mum that won’t get in the water and have fun with her baby because she feels bad about her body. So I resolved to just make better choices, and I find that works for me. So instead of watching another episode of Peppa Pig, I’ll chase my son around the house. Or rather than pigging out on a bag of chips, I’ll cut up a carrot. Then I give myself snaps each time I do something healthier than I originally intended. Three kilos down! (15 to go)
I’m with you. I’m in the I’ll start after …… at the moment. I weighed in for January and it sucks.