I am struggling. I’m heading into Wobbly week 5. Considering the first week was just thinking about what I wanted to achieve, this is really my fourth week of healthy eating and living. This is the time I normally give up.
Predictably, to me anyway, I’ve let myself slip off the juggernaut quite a few times – chips for breakfast, lots of indulging in my eldest child’s 7th birthday treats and just talking myself out of sticking to my plan. This is how it generally begins for me. The downfall.
Normally, I am amazing for three weeks and by the end of week four I start to falter. Then by week five I’ve returned to my old ways. Within a week or two I’d have put back on any small bit of weight I’d lost. I’d have stopped exercising. I’d be back to more drinking days than alcohol free ones. And I would have succeeded in my self prophecy of ultimate failure. This is a cycle I repeat over and over.
A few years back I lost 15 kilos and felt really fabulous. But then I stopped making healthy choices and the weight slowly crept up and up, over my starting weight. So, I went on the Michelle Bridges program and lost about 10 kilos. I felt good, but hungry. I changed my contraception to the Mirena which stuffed with me, both physically and mentally. I blinked and I was 90 kilos. I’d put on 18 kilos. Since then, I’ve tried numerous times to get back on track. With each weight loss attempt, I’d lose three kilos and then put on five.
When I started on this Wobbly journey I was heading towards 95 kilos. Yesterday I saw 90.8 kilos. Congrats you might say. You’re doing great you might say. But you know what? I am still obese. I still look and feel unhealthy. My body aches when I get up and down. It’s heavy to carry myself around on my short legs. My stomach is huge. My clothes pull over my rolls and I wobble all over. I feel very conscious of how I look.
In the past two weeks my children have told me I’ve got a baby in belly three times and they’ve informed me that I am fat. Another child told me I had a huge bum. They don’t mean any harm from it, they are kids. They just say what they see. They have not yet been told that some people think fat is bad or that you should be ashamed or embarrassed by the way you look. Or that fat, to some, equals lazy (which is a crock of shit by the way). I don’t ever want them to feel the way that 40 years of life has changed my view on the world. Your weight doesn’t define you – I know that. I never define others by their weight. But for me, I feel that my weight is unhealthy.
Then one of my daughters came home with a gorgeous Valentine’s Day card showing us together.
It made me cry. I love her so much my heart aches. This is how she sees me – happy and joyous. But her picture of my body, broke me. It was like when you see yourself in a photo and you realise you’ve been kidding yourself. Except this is how she sees me. I wish my initial reaction of nervous laughter was genuine. Like when people pass comments about balding men or people with big noses or ginger hair or small breasts or extra long legs. Everyone has something about themselves. It seems harmless and funny, but I reckon depending on how they’e feeling about themselves at any given moment – it could cut deep.
I never use the word fat around my children. I never say anything to them about how I feel unhappy or ashamed of my weight. I always talk about health and that it’s what’s inside your heart and brain that matters. I just wish I could believe it myself. It’s stupid, but real.
I know I’m reading too much into what is essentially a gorgeous display of love, but I am struggling with this, I’m swinging from fragile to powerful in a matter of minutes. I have the drawing sitting on my desk to keep me going – for myself and for my kids, who adore me. And me them.
This is too important for my health to give up.
It’s the beginning of week four of healthy living, my breaking point and I’m holding on by my fingertips.
Day-by-day.
Do you think people care what you weigh? Does it matter what they think?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Hi Bianca – well done for getting this far. I understand how the picture would make you feel, but how about you use it as motivation rather than a reason to curl up with comfort food? This post is focusing on all the rubbish things that are happening at the moment. Can I challenge you to write one on the flip side, what are all the fabulous things that have happened to you this week on your journey? If that’s too hard, set yourself a challenge for this week to feel uplifted, visit the farmers’ markets and source some great fresh food, have a chat with a good friend, find someone to make you laugh…don’t give yourself a reason to give up, this time is different x
Fabulous idea. I’ll do just that xx
The shit feelings that come up on an epic journey like this is part of the “cleansing”. Hear it out, observe it, and know that it isn’t “you”. Your brain and body are breathing out the shit. Allow for it. I don’t know you. I love your writing. I am rooting for you, and wanted to say so.
What a brilliant way of looking at this. Thank you so much x
I think there are certain people who care what you weigh, how you look, what you eat, how much you exercise. Do I care about those people’s opinions? No. Not unless it is my husband because I know if he were to ever say something to me about my weight/looks then something would be really wrong as he has watched me fight anorexia & bulumia, he has watched me gain weight each time I carry one of our babies, (he has watched me fight hard to lose that weight too), he has put up with every diet/health/exercise kick I’ve ever been on & he has supported & loved me through each & every one.
Like Liz ^^^ said, try & focus on the good stuff you’ve done. There must be HEAPS! And even if you are just hanging on by your fingertips at least you are still hanging on & that’s great. Keep going B. Every small change you make, every time you say no to unhealthy food, every time you go for a walk that’s a move in the right direction. It’s not going to be easy or fast but it will be worth it 🙂
It’s definitely not easy or fast and it is worth it. You are so right xx
I am feeling the same feels as you Bianca. At 158 cm I’m 80kg thanks to some awful antidepressants and a large dose of rheumatoid disease. i feel judged, mainly by myself, but by society in general. Though no one can think worse of me than me. I worry people think I’m lazy, they cant see my medical issues, and i worry that maybe I’m not good enough to push past obstacles. The self sabotage is the worst, that i betray myself.. At the moment I’m”doing” a milkshake diet. I try to take things moment by moment. Its a daily battle in my head as I’m sure it is in yours, but if i fall, i get back up and keep trying. A blow out doesn’t man the end, the next meal will be better. I look to Chrissie swan for inspiration. Her weight is outshone by her wit and intellect, as is yours. I look to your great writing, not noticing your appearance. Not would i expect you weren’t confident in yourself. Be a little kinder and keep going! Be stronger than the shitty voices in your had that say i can’t..you can and you will!
Thanks so much for your kindness xx
I agree with Liz – now that you’ve written about all the bad stuff that’s happened over the past five weeks, try writing about the good things. Like your roller skating classes or maybe a new heathy food you’ve tried and actually like.
Something I read about on another blog (Beth from Baby Mac) is using a reward chart for yourself. Set yourself one or two key goals for the week and try to achieve them – like move for 20mins and eat 3 serves of vegetables – and if at the end of the week you have 11+ ticks (1 tick per day for each goal so 14 possible ticks to achieve) then reward yourself with something you love that’s non food related. So magazine or a book or a DVD?! Whatever will help you want to achieve your goals. Small tangible rewards work for kids so why not us too!!
Keep up the good work Bianca. I’m proud of you and I’m sure you can do this 🙂 xx
Hang in there – it’s a difficult journey, isn’t it? (And you’ve had challenges too – I’ve just read your Mirena link with interest and horror – poor you! Mine came out a week and a half ago by mistake – I managed to pull it out accidentally, but am trying to stick to Febfast sugar despite emotions, etc, all over the place – but I haven’t had the bleeding experience you did, making me reconsider whether or not to have it in again) sorry, sidetracked, but my point was, allow it to be a slow process, and also, drawings of kids need not to be taking personally (my daughter’s drawing of her teacher, who she sees as beautiful and I’d agree is SCARY – there is not a tooth missing in this horror image sketch!) The smile she has drawn is the most important aspect – remember that! xx