SO HERE I AM at week 41 of this Wobbly journey and when I jumped on the scales for the first time in about 6 weeks I was back at the exact weight I was when I started this. This time I felt nothing. I’ve done this so many times now I almost expect it to happen. Like I somehow knew at the start that I would find myself in this position. A self fulfilled prophecy.
When I look in the mirror I see myself as I used to be. I don’t see myself as strangers would see me. Overweight. It’s not until I go to put my clothes on and I have to pull them over my thighs or drag at my top to make it a little looser, that I realise I am bigger again. As my husband says when he puts on something and it’s a bit snug: “This must have been put in the dryer”. It seems my entire wardrobe has been put in the dryer.
My clothes have shrunk, but I have grown. I feel content. Where as in the past I would have stepped on those unforgiving scales and seen the numbers flash up and I would have cried big tears full of self doubt and loathing. I would have berated myself and screamed out: “See I told you, you are worthless. A loser. A failure.” This time I just nodded in recognition of the number and then went about my day. A fresh start.
My truth is I have always chased an “ideal weight”, even when I was at a dangerously low weight and my friends staged a mini-intervention on a beach asking if I was ok and did I realise I was far too skinny. I still thought I was inadequate.
Lately, I have been feeling full. I’ve been happy and content. I haven’t been chasing change. I’ve felt less inclined to care what strangers think of me while I wobble down the street. Everyone has shit going on in their lives – they’re not looking at me. They might in fact be saying to themselves: “I wish I was happy like that woman” or maybe they are admiring my boobs. Or perhaps I am just getting in the way of their void. They see right past me, too busy worrying what I might be thinking of them to really notice me. We are all living in our heads most of the time anyway.
I do want to get my exercising routine back into shape again. I do want to switch up my diet again. I do want to lose that weight AGAIN. And I will. Health is important.
But despite the weight roller coaster, at this stage of my life I am feeling more content with who I am. I don’t feel driven by fear of failure, I feel like it will happen when it happens. Health is always at the core. I have been contentedly eating for Australia and contentedly sitting on my arse. This has lead to contentedly gaining weight.
Last week I wrote about our escape to Broome. It was a perfect getaway and I stripped my face of my make up, put my hair in a pony tail and wore my bathers most of the time. While I longed to be able to slip on a cool pair of bathers, rather than my simple black affair, I was happy.
Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing this Wobbly project for? Not weight loss, self acceptance.
Every week I sit down to write this, mainly for myself. It gives me a chance to verbalise my internal feelings, struggles and aspirations. It’s helped me to better understand myself. Slowly I am becoming more self aware and getting to know my own truth. And with truth comes contentment and with contentment comes self love.
It’s not about the weight loss. It really isn’t – it is much more important than that.