I always thought only wankers drunk decaf, but as I write today’s post I am doing just that – drinking my first ever decaf coffee. Of course many of you have already come to the conclusion that I am in fact a wanker, long ago, but if you’ve been reading this Wobbly series you’d know I’m always a bit slow to the party.

It’s ok, I’m cool with being a wanker. With a name like Bianca, I’ve had the pleasure of being called it many times. The decaf itself, is ok too. And I’ve since realised that decaf is not only for food wankers, they are for people like me, now.

You see I went to the doctor last week and once again I am facing the possibility of having to take blood pressure medication straight in the face. My blood pressure was stupidly high. It has been for a number of years. She can’t tell if I have “white coat” syndrome which means it spikes because I am at the doctor and feel nervous, stressed and the fear of the inevitable or if I do in fact have consistently high blood pressure.

This week I head to the Gold Coast for one week for the Problogger conference and then when I return I’m booked in to get a blood pressure monitor attached for 24 hours. This will give her more answers. It’s really scared me. All of it.

So today I drink decaf coffee and am looking for a good decaf tea. I’ve pushed the salt aside and will proceed to eliminate as much of it I can from my diet as I can. I’ve been cutting back on the booze, so will continue to monitor that. Although with my first kid-free holiday (for ages) coming up in a few days and my birthday following that, I have a few celebrations to indulge first. And I need to shift some kilos, fast.

I’m hoping with all my might I do not have to take tablets, but I have an inkling it will be my outcome if I can’t shed some weight and get my racing brain under control. I am perpetually racing. I am unsure why I feel such a need to rush constantly. I feel like I am always operating in fast-mode and find it difficult to slow myself down. I think it might be a mild form of anxiety, this feeling of constant nervous tension. I rush to wash my hair in the morning, rush to empty the school bags, rush around the supermarket, rush to write. I also have three young kids which must be a contributing factor. No wonder my heart is beating so darn fast. I am in need of some good meditation techniques. I need to learn to calm my mind and take deeper breathes. I have to stop and smell the roses. Like, actually stop. This blur I’m in, this rushing is pushing the blood around my body too fast. I have to slow my head and heart right down.

It looks like I am on the precipice of bigger changes. Some quieter, calmer moments. I have become the person who orders the skinny decaf. I am officially a wanker. Just call me Bianca the Wanker.

Here’s the song which has been stuck in my head ever since I visited the doctor. You’re welcome.

Have a great week. And to those of you who are attending Problogger please come and say hi. I am crap with names and faces, but I’d love to meet you.

bigwords x