I’m off to the big blogging conference Problogger in a couple of weeks in Queensland. It’s the first time I’ve been and I’ve had it marked in the diary for months. Alongside the date I had also typed in a weight goal. It was an integral part of my Wobbly journey. I had looked at the date in August, a few days before my 41st birthday, and promised myself that when I went I’d be the healthiest I’d been in years. I also had my eye on getting a beautiful Anthropologie dress and was looking forward to stepping out into the humidity, not feeling like a bloated, achey old woman. I’d feel like a healthy 4o year old in a delicious silk maxi dress. I’d have a glow about me. I had it planned in my head.
My dream was just that. All in my fucking head.
I’ve let myself down. I always do. I’m back at 90 kilos again. I didn’t get to the under 80 kilo mark like I’d hoped. I keep looking at all the beautiful dresses and have instead opted for flowing black tops instead. I have the belly of a pregnant woman, without the baby though. I look older than I feel and I’m so angry at myself. I am so fucking angry. I know it’ll pass, but today I’m sad and bloated. I’m not sure I can carry on writing about it anymore. I’m sure as hell not doing anything about making changes.
All I can hope is that I’m having a hormonal blip and tomorrow I’ll rediscover my drive. All I can hope is once I clear all my big writing deadlines and have time to breathe again, I’ll also have time to take big strolls and long bike rides. The sun is out more these days and people are emerging from their winter’s hibernation. Maybe that will be the same for me? Maybe I’ll shed this coat of shame and replace it with a shiny silk kaftan of acceptance.
I can’t get that dress I wanted, it will look foul on me and all the others just make me look like I’m trying to hide myself in layers of unflattering fabric. I suppose I am. Why I am so negative about myself? Why am I trying to hide behind my weight? Why I am so scared to succeed at something I make sure I fail?
The irrational part is no-one’s going to give a toss what I look like or what dress I’m wearing. This blogging community is so very supportive of me. Many of the people I’ll be meeting in the flesh for the first time. We’ve already made strong friendships without the baggage of what we look like. Blogging wise I’ve achieved a lot this year and along the way have made some of the most long lasting connections with other bloggers and with you. You fill a gap in my life.
Time to stop wallowing like a pig in a sty. I’m just fat. I’ll have to get over it. Looks like it will be more like ProBLOBBER for me.
I’ll have to opt for a new pair of shoes instead. Or a fabulous necklace. Got any suggestions?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Oh BW give yourself a break. Take a look at what you have achieved and maybe take this time to reset some goals! I have been following your Wobbly Week journey for a few short months, mostly because we seem to have parallel lives in many aspects and I can relate. You have inspired me and today I am going to start my journey to reduce my wobbles and feel better about myself in clothing and develop a better relationship with food. Enjoy your conference and be kind to yourself. By the way great dress choice!
Good luck with your wobbly journey Michelle. and yes, THAT DRESS. *sighs* xx
Jeez, I could have written this post. Problogger was supposed to be my incentive to shape up & loose the belly (or part thereof) of course it hasn’t happened and now I too am feeling despondent about not having shifted a kg & still being plus size. Not to worry Bianca. We will have a fabulous time regardless. Scarves are my new favourite thing. Colourful and concealing 🙂
wow, my advice is to go and enjoy each and every moment! I came home from problogger last year a changed women. I shared a comparison pic on facebook earlier today me August 2013 and me 2014. http://on.fb.me/1ku048x
Looking forward to meeting you on Wednesday Bianca! <3
Drop in on us while you are up on qld hon and we will have a fabulous dinner party and celebrate your Amazingness which has absolutely nothing to do with your dress size.
Do you know the best thing about setbacks? Comebacks! I have been following your journey, and think you’ve achieved some amazing things. The wobbly journey is like riding a bike, you fall off, and you have to keep getting back on that bike. I know because I’ve spent most of my life doing just that. One day however, I got on that bike and didn’t fall off (well, not quite as much anyway) so it is possible! Please be kind to yourself, I bet you wouldn’t speak to, or about other people as you do about yourself. You are a talented, smart and beautiful woman, that’s what I see, that’s what the bloggers will see and I hope when you look in the mirror you see it too!
Fuck what you look like, what you weigh & what you’re wearing! That photo you posted on IG today? You looked great! Wear that face & go have fun x
One foot on front of the other and keep on going. You are so hard on yourself, so easy to be our own worst enemy. I don’t have any helpful advice, but I hope that you forget about this when you get to PB and just have an awesome, fun time with your friends. Rock those flowy black tops and some fabulous shoes x
Batwing tops, sparkly sandals, arm-swag. Grab yourself a new lippy. You rock the bright lips look and your brain shines out of your eyes. You will feel awesome because so many people love you xx
While you may idolise that girl in the photo in that maxi dress just remember that some of us idolise YOU as a writer and are starting on our wobbly journeys in other wobbly ways. I am excited to be heading to ProBlogger as well and looking forward to hopefully meeting you in person!
I just want to feed and hug the poor girl in the photo. I’m seriously looking forward to giving you a big squishy hug. And it will be squishy because I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I’m not focusing on my weight. I’m focusing on my strength and health. I’ve got bugger all of either, and my stupid autoimmune disease and stupid chronic oedema have decided to kick off again.
Bianca, this was so refreshing to read and please know that you are not alone, I am right there with the same thoughts and I didn’t even make it under 90!! I got a really nice pair of boots from the Sara range (ezibuy)and for some weird reason they have made me feel a hell of a lot better. I work from home with kids so currently living in frump city! The stomach is going to look crap but gee my toes will look good!I think it is easy to be our own worst enemy and I too know that no one will be worrying about our weight, we just have to overcome our own mind first. I look forward to meeting you hopefully…i’ll be the big one in a flowing tunic top with new boots…Forget the flab and enjoy yourself and thankyou for writing this as I don’t feel so alone now. x
JUST LOVE YOURSELF. You clearly don’t see yourself as others see you. I bet you don’t think the things you say/feel about yourself about anyone else. Why not grant yourself the same generosity ? Be gentle and accepting of yourself and grateful for your blessings..charm, wit, a loving family, loads of friends and strangers who follow your blog to name a few.
I’m on a similar road to you ..and i think I’m starting to accept myself as I am. And wouldn’t you know it, since I started doing that I have been slowly dropping some kilos. I’m learning it’s much more about the inside than the outside.
You know what no matter what you wear your gorgeous heart will shine through. Sure we’re not all great with fashion, well I’m not, and I am carrying a little food baby but 2 weeks out I’ve decided to try and find something that I feel comfortable in… You have done SO MUCH AWESOME with your blog this year. What’s a little wobble between friends? See you there xx
Fuck it, don’t sweat it ….. Who really cares ?? If you feel great in what you wear, why worry… I have been there & done that and at 46 … I have got the who cares, if I think I look hot & sexy – I wear it… Ps I’m a size 14-18. I don’t even ask my hubby any more either 🙂 … But go and buy shoes, necklace & have fun
aw sweetie, I hugely trust that this was a hormonal blip too, and that now you are feeling better about yourself. I totally get that our clothes make us feel better about ourselves, so I also trust that you find something that makes you feel as brilliant as you are. And if not, its your turn to trust that we all indeed see through all this. We know you are wonderful regardless of what you are wearing.
I was stressing about what to wear too, but then I got over it! This is what I wrote about all the time. Our confidence comes from within. You need to believe in it first, then it will glow on the outside. I really hope that you find your confidence before hand, and if not, fake it! You won’t be the only one. Promise. xS
Thank you for boldly sharing. You are a beautiful person, I felt I could almost copy word for word what you’ve written and post it on my blog. My theme song at the moment is “I’m all about that bass, no treble”! Although I’m not so sure I’m young enough to “shake that bootie”. I really can’t wait to meet you, I’m so excited to be coming to Problogger against all odds. 🙂 See you soon!