So it’s the beginning of Week 3 of my “get healthier” campaign and I want to punch all of the people in the face. My first week was all about getting ready, finishing off all the booze and chips from the cupboard and setting myself some goals. The second week was all about making some changes. I haven’t had any booze for a week and am now participating in FebFast which means this “no drinking” commitment will continue for the entire month. I also haven’t had any sugar in my coffee or tea and aside from a slice, or three, of chocolate brownie for a Friday night treat, I have also been junk food free.
Exercise wise has been a little lacking, but I’ve moved more. I did have a sensational roller skating class, learning new skills and a killer circuit made me sweat and feel alive. I love skating. But I need more exercise in my life. I’m taking that part slowly. This week I’ll try and add in a couple more walks, on top of roller skating. I think I’ll need it purely for quiet time because overall, I feel crap.
My husband has also been on this healthy eating, no booze, move more plan (which helps), but he too feels like me. We are both so tired at night time (not from not eating enough). And we are irritable. We have the same feeling about this. It’s important for our health, but it’s hard. I’ve been down this road before and the first couple of weeks are shit. You put everything into it and expect to wake up each day bounding with energy, revitalised, bursting with sun shiny joy. Somewhere in the back of your mind you think: “I’m awesome for being super healthy, tomorrow when I wake up I’m going to be two sizes smaller, radiating pure happiness and bouncing with energy”.
THAT IS A LIE.
Instead, I feel grumpy and I just want to hide in my room with the covers over my head. I want to punch flowers and swear at ladybugs. I want to sleep all my melancholy away. I feel shitty, not better. Twice this week my children have informed me I have another baby in belly. Twice I have informed them that I do not. Twice I have wanted to eat donuts to commiserate. Instead, I’ve drank a big glass of “get the fuck over yourself” and eaten a few almonds. I’ve been snacking on nuts, fresh (low sugar) fruit, vegetables and air. I’ve been eating delicious food actually and have not felt hungry. I’ve been drinking lots of water and have cut out late night snacks. I’ve been going to bed earlier.
Yesterday, I felt so disenchanted (warning to self: do not get on the scales). I did what any person feeling massive toxin withdrawals does, I drove to Big W and purchased a sports-bra that actually fits me, a new hair dye, macadamia nuts, coconut water and some celery. And then I threw some shade at a chocolate cake and seriously contemplated throwing it across the supermarket.
IT’S BEEN SEVEN DAYS FOR FUCKS SAKE. I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF.
Anyway, as I head into the third week, and my second week of healthy choices, I’ve vowed to start reaching out more to connect with others who are in the midst of the same mindfuckery. My amazing friend Ruth aka Gourmet Girlfriend, just posted about her past year. She’s worked so darn hard to change her life path to one based on mindfulness, health and joy. She’s lost 20 kilos and has taught herself to run. But what’s stood out most for me is her clarity of soul which shines through in her photos and words. You can read about it here.
So, I suppose what I’m saying is I need to stop focussing on how grumpy this whole exercise is and instead focus on how much better I’ll feel, once the toxins have stopped oozing out of me playing games with my psyche. I have to keep my mind firmly focussed on establishing long lasting habitual changes and remember my goal to stop being so darn hard myself.
I need to reach out to communities like the kind folk at Operation Move who have offered wonderful support to me over the past few weeks and friends who have emailed and Facebook inboxed me with some awesome tips on what’s worked for them. It might surprise some, but despite oversharing online, I am actually quite a solitary person who would rather sit home than socialise, so an online support group may be the right spot for me to groan. I’m just not sure if I’ll deal with people posting photos of quinoa or oven-baked kale chips. If I ever do that you have permission to unfriend me.
I’ll just keep making small changes.
Week 3 I’m going to kick you to the curb. You won’t beat me.
Tell me – do you have an exercise buddy or an online support group? Do you often feel like giving up? Do you know if cutting out junk food impacts on your mood? How long will it take until I feel like a picture of health or is that just a lie perpetuated by Pinterest?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Just keep swimming (or skating), Bianca. The first weeks are shit as your body retaliates, but it does get easier. x
This was me two years ago. 25kg overweight and a big ol’ bag of misery. I’ve lost just over 20 of those kgs now. Took me the best part of these two years and fuck it was hard. But it can be done. You don’t know me, but I’m a huge fan of yours and I believe in you. I did this all on my own after letting myself get to such a low point, I knew I was the only one to get me out of it. You can do it. Please email if you want any advice. There are no secrets or shortcuts as you know, it’s just a shit tonne of hard work and lots of self control. Xxx
I tried kale chips once. Just tasted green. I’d rather no chips at all. OperationMOVE has been awesome for me, so glad you’ve joined up. It does get easier.
I was reading it thinking – wow, yes it is REALLY hard. Really really hard at first.
And you know what – a year later it is still hard. But nowhere near as hard.
And then I read the lovely words you wrote about me & I just started weeping.
I’m still trying to work out why it affected me so much, you saying those kind kind things about me- there may have been noisy sobbing!
Maybe it is because I identify so much in your struggle- and there are no two ways about it, it IS a struggle.
I hope you are feeling proud of yourself – in amongst all the other emotions you have right now. You are DOING it.
And despite how horrid it seems, you are being super aware of your feelings, which is a really positive thing.
This race is yours & yours alone, run it like it is yours and nobody else’s. Comparison is the thief of joy.
You are a champion.
xxxx
PS. I still count the minutes and then the seconds until I can get off of that goddamn treadmill. It never ever gets easy and I never ever like it while I do it. The only difference is that now I DO it, instead of not.
Yep I hear you. I’m about to embark on week one again, for the 77 billionth time. I’ll hold your hand if you’ll hold mine x
Small steps Bianca! So you, Twiggy and the girls are always welcome to walk on over/across Goody road in the evenings and encourage Watson and I to go for a walk with you! We need to get out more in the evenings and exercise is often easier when with someone.
The exercise part of my life is a struggle I can share with friends and my husband, the eating aspect, not so much. Even now when I am back at boot camp and running again, I still fight the demons in my head at every food choice. Because I am tying hard to make the right choices, all I think about at the moment is food and its tiring, obsessive and downright unhealthy. My brain is broken when it comes to food, all I want is to reward myself, comfort myself, eat my feelings. I don’t want to be unhealthy but something just doesn’t work inside me and so it’s a desperately private struggle and even though I can talk to close friends and my husband, they really don’t understand what it’s actually like to be inside my head. Exhausting. So, I continue, increasing the exercise to give me some leeway on those calories I consume mindlessly, knowing I shouldn’t and hopefully the balance will come back soon.
We have just finished 31 days of no alcohol and healthy eating. I lost the 4kg I had gained in the last six months of 2013. And I didn’t eat a single kale chip. Today we went out for lunch to celebrate. We shared a cheese and dip platter and I had 2 glasses of wine. The rest of the day has been pretty much a write off for me. I have a headache and have been lying on the couch snoozing on and off. Have resolved to quit the alcohol for another 2 weeks and get back to healthy eating. There comes a stage when you really do feel better for it, just stick at it.
My two cents: I started running (umm….shuffling) nigh on a year ago….after many other attempts at regular exercise stalled and failed miserably. Every time I run, I swear I am going to die and keel over…especially in the first 10 minutes. Thinking something was wrong with me, I consulted my somewhat know it all bro in law (who has been running for a few years). He wisely informed me that running never gets easier…it’s always shit and hard, the only upside is that the more you do it, the further you can run. Well, that’s great I thought. Hence, then only way I can run is to run the #%*+ as far away from home as I can, without a mobile phone, then I have no option but to run, walk, shuffle, hobble back home again. It’s not easy but it quells the demons in my head, for a little while at least. Which brings me to an Oprah show I saw years ago. (Yes, I watched the O lady whilst breast feeding.) She stated emphatically that she has always hated exercise and always will but she knows that she has to do it. She said that towards the end of her exercise, the endorphin hormones kicked in (or as I like to think ‘dolphin hormones’) and made it all seem a little more meaningful. So on that cheesy Oprah note, I say hang in there. (Now I have crapped on about running, I had better get off my butt and go tomorrow. I only go 2 or 3 times a week but it’s better than nowt, as they say in the north of England.)
Changing habits is hard, so damn hard but it’ll be worth it B xx
I’m just catching up on your wobbly series, B. Delving and changing is hard work, but I think you’re well up for it. x