As I was putting on my shoes yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Far out, I’m back where I started. I don’t want to be back here again. My tummy has multiple rolls, my chins multiple and my arse is huge. I feel sluggish again. I ache when I get out of bed and I’m pretty sure when I go to the doctor for another check in a few weeks she will tell me my blood pressure is up again and I will be put on tablets.
It’s scary. How do I keep finding myself back in this position? Sure, I’ve done some awesome things over the past months, but my relationship with food is still rocky. We keep breaking up and getting back together again. When I’m happy I celebrate with food. When I’m sad I commiserate with food. When I,m excited, nervous, bored, stressed or chilling out, I eat food. I’ve obviously been a lot of all those things lately. Mainly stressed though. However, much of the cause of that stress has lifted in the past few days and I find myself unusually calm.
As I wrote this I was nibbling on a snack-sized packet of chips. I looked at the photo of myself. This photo.
And I was experiencing that all too familiar feeling of self loathing. This will be my last packet of chips for awhile, I told myself. You shouldn’t be eating fat wrapped in salt. You should be outside going for a ride. You need to stop lying to yourself, I whinged. I reached into the packet and this chip came out.
A CHIP OF LOVE, PEOPLE. A FREAKING CHIP OF LOVE.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give myself a break. I’m going to get back into it. Because even if my light and tangy chips are sending me messages then I’ve got to listen. Even my food is telling me it’s not you, it’s me and you need to find a new love.
And thanks for reading my Wobbly journey. It’s a little repetitive – I lose weight, put it back on, lose it, put it back on. But you know what? For many of us struggling with our bodies, this is how it rolls. There’s no neatly packaged before and after photo for most of us. It is a never-ending food struggle.
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
I just had to buy some big girl pants. I loathed having to do it. I was disgusted even looking at myself trying them on. So I came home and ate a packet of twisties. Pfft. Tomorrow is a new day, where there won’t be a change room mirror and hopefully no twisties.
P.s. I’m a little jealous of your heart shaped chip.
I know that feeling all too well. I hope you enjoyed your Twisties though xx
I always enjoy the twisties, hence the big girl pants!!
It’s funny what we see when we look at ourselves. When I look at myself I usually see my flabby tummy. When I first sen this photo of you the first thing I noticed was how skinny your legs are. I’m sure if you were looking at me you wouldn’t immediately notice my stomach, my worst feature, you’d see maybe my curly hair or sparkly eyes. Why when we look at ourselves do we notice the worst thing first but when looking at others see the best thing first?
It takes forever to break old bad habits but at least you are trying. You’d be much worse off if you gave up all together.
Hang in there B x
You are super amazing honey. Thanks so much to your continued kindness xx
Wanting to do something is the first step ; of many.
I agree with Reannon – it takes forever to break old bad habits but at least you are trying. You’d be much worse off if you gave up all together.
I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been thanks to 4-5 months inactivity after surgery/radiation. It’s not so much the weight but that I don’t fit into some clothes I love and I’m too tight@rse to buy new ones.
It is more disturbing that running again for 3-4 weeks have shifted nothing.
Honey, you have every reason to take things slow, but I do understand the tight arse part!! I applaud you for running – that shit is HARD xx
Yeah I say be kind to yourself. That takes more effort than bring mean to ourselves after an indulgence or period of neglect. I guess it’s been conscious and sometimes in life it’s easy to be unconscious. I am there with you, on and off with looking after myself but you’re ok. My reminder is a gf battling cancer, wake up , be grateful, one step at a time. Personally, a bacon & cheese ball eater…
OH MY cheese and bacon balls…. xx
Your words are brave and true. You could have simply stopped the conversation, but you didn’t. Sending love shaped chips your way.
I’m pretty sure it’s the love chips that got me in trouble in the first place, but I’ll eat them! Thanks x
How great to read someone being so honest about weight and eating battles. Thank you! You rock!
Thanks so much x