As I was putting on my shoes yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Far out, I’m back where I started. I don’t want to be back here again. My tummy has multiple rolls, my chins multiple and my arse is huge. I feel sluggish again. I ache when I get out of bed and I’m pretty sure when I go to the doctor for another check in a few weeks she will tell me my blood pressure is up again and I will be put on tablets.
It’s scary. How do I keep finding myself back in this position? Sure, I’ve done some awesome things over the past months, but my relationship with food is still rocky. We keep breaking up and getting back together again. When I’m happy I celebrate with food. When I’m sad I commiserate with food. When I,m excited, nervous, bored, stressed or chilling out, I eat food. I’ve obviously been a lot of all those things lately. Mainly stressed though. However, much of the cause of that stress has lifted in the past few days and I find myself unusually calm.
As I wrote this I was nibbling on a snack-sized packet of chips. I looked at the photo of myself. This photo.
And I was experiencing that all too familiar feeling of self loathing. This will be my last packet of chips for awhile, I told myself. You shouldn’t be eating fat wrapped in salt. You should be outside going for a ride. You need to stop lying to yourself, I whinged. I reached into the packet and this chip came out.
A CHIP OF LOVE, PEOPLE. A FREAKING CHIP OF LOVE.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give myself a break. I’m going to get back into it. Because even if my light and tangy chips are sending me messages then I’ve got to listen. Even my food is telling me it’s not you, it’s me and you need to find a new love.
And thanks for reading my Wobbly journey. It’s a little repetitive – I lose weight, put it back on, lose it, put it back on. But you know what? For many of us struggling with our bodies, this is how it rolls. There’s no neatly packaged before and after photo for most of us. It is a never-ending food struggle.