It took me about one minute to talk myself into breaking my own Dry July commitment. One minute. It was discussed that if I was not letting anyone else down, just myself, then that would be OK. So I did, I let myself down.
I had a fab night with friends and family I adore. I regret nothing. Those three beers watching men with buns of steel, running around an oval under the lights was worth it. The roar of the crowd, the tiny bubbles on my tongue, the symbolism of beer and footy, hand in hand with the excitement of it all. It was fine, I’d only let myself down.
I let myself down all of the time. I let myself down when I made a decision to stop exercising because I couldn’t be bothered anymore. I let myself down when I stuffed pancakes smothered with sugar and lemon into my gob. I let myself down, earlier this week, when I once again resigned myself to failure.
But it’s not fine. I should be more committed to keeping promises to myself. I should come first and then others should follow. If I’m not keeping my own promises, what hope have I got.
I have a choice. I could carry on this self flagellation. I could beat myself up over it until I have no more will to continue this Wobbly journey. I could just plain give up and stop writing each week about it or I could forgive myself this month of self punishment and just get on with it.
I am here.
Tomorrow I will attend the funeral for a woman who should also be here, the beautiful Caroline Roessler. I never met her face to face, but she showed me so much of herself in the way she supported and guided me professionally. Her belief in my voice and her commitment to me as a writer meant the world to me. I’m not sure she realised how many women like me she transformed though her generosity of spirit and sharing of knowledge. There are many of us. Her dedication to the craft of writing and media was unwavering. You can read more about her here.
Tomorrow I will silently slip in through the side door and stand at the back of the room filled with those who love and cherish her. The words of all the women, she helped shape, will fill the room. I will say goodbye and thank you in my own quiet way. And then I will leave.
Today I will watch my girls and their cousins run around in this glorious sunshine. A birthday cake has been made for two super rad girls. A candle will be blown out. Today we celebrate life. Tomorrow we celebrate a life that touched so many.
I am here. I forgive myself.
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Living a life in perspective is a gift that I’m glad you gave yourself.
Say goodbye to Caroline for me too. I never met her either but she took my words and published them at a time where I badly needed that kind of affirmation. She’ll never know the impact she had 🙁
I’m not sure when we became the bottom of our own ‘to do’ lists. A while ago I made a commitment to 40 days of yoga. In the first week, I would sit on the mat thinking about how self-indulgent this was, what a waste of time it was, how no one was benefiting except me blah, blah, blah. And I realised then, with some shock, how far down the list my own personal health and wellbeing was. It was funny, when I noticed, and kept on turning up anyway, it just kinda disappeared. Now, I have no problem turning up to the yoga mat. It’s about becoming aware of our patterns, and then doing it anyway – minus giving ourselves a hard time 🙂
Very true – and you are showing so much strength to keep getting up again even if you do stumble from time to time. Wonderful you will be paying your tributes to Caroline tomorrow. Notebook was the only magazine I have subscribed to and I still have all my copies. Xx