The past few weeks I have not lost any weight. The good thing about this is I haven’t put any on. The bad part is it is very hard to stay motivated. I need results or my internal voice tells me I’m failing. My internal voice tells me I’m failing even when I’m not. My internal voice is an asshole.
Anyway, this week I crept under my stagnate weight and am now 8 kilos down. I have to stop telling myself that I should be at least 11 kilos down by now. I will get there. What’s the damn rush?
What I have been noticing though is my body is feeling stronger. I’m starting to notice a change. I’m feeling little muscles in my arms and my legs feel tighter and smoother. My belly is still a mass of rolly polly wobble fat, but under the rolls I can feel tighter tummy muscles. And I know this sounds strange, but my arms feel longer – when I hugged my eldest girl last night I could wrap my arms around her tighter than ever before, like my fat was getting in the way and now it’s not (as much).
When I walk, I can push myself along faster and for longer. When I skate, I’m more balanced and feel joy when the air pushes my hair back as I skate faster and faster. I still struggle with the whole motivation part, but I’m pushing through that and adding more exercise, even if it’s just a quick 10 minutes on the elliptical trainer, a few squats in the ad break of Real Housewives of Melbourne or a walk around the block.
This sums me up.
One day I hope to do exercises and enjoy them. I’m still struggling to find that joy when I’m shuffling along, panting. I took my 5yo with me while I did exercises in the park the other day and as I was forcing myself to do sit ups, grunting and grimacing, she exclaimed: “Isn’t exercise meant to be fun?” I lied and told her that in fact I was having a “way cool time”. She didn’t look too convinced.
So, as I struggle with the concept that weight loss isn’t the true reflection of success and instead try to focus on how the exercise makes you stronger, I continue to stay true to my end goal. This whole process is about making long lasting changes, not losing 20 kilos. I’ve lost 20 kilos before and then put it straight back on again. This time I need to focus on changing my mindset for the long haul.
It’s happening, slowly. I’m feeling healthier, stronger and inching bit by bit to end goal. Most importantly I’m not letting my inner voice talk me out of success, instead she’s starting to tell me I can do it and this my friends is a win.
Hope you have a super fab week and thank you for reading bigwords and helping me be named in the Top 100 bloggers in Australia for Kidspot’s Voices of 2014.
You help me keep being brave.