So I’ll get the point quickly. I’ve let myself down. It’s not a hard thing to do – I’m a fucking bitch to myself. There might have even been tears. Also not a hard thing to do. I cry every time I hear the song Do You Want To Build A Snowman.
On paper I haven’t failed. I lost a small amount of weight and then put it back on again, I exercised and found a few pieces of clothing hiding in the back of the cupboard that I’m now a few kilos shy of actually fitting into. I’ve not gone backwards. I’m just not where I planned to be. I’m flailing. I did not exercise when I felt flat this week. Instead, I made a massive amount of mashed potato and a chocolate, banana bread. And I ate them. And I did not exercise. And I drank a bottle of wine and then I cried and then I wrote this blog post.
I am not a fucking weight loss machine. This is hard work. Unlike the movie says: everything is not “awesome”.
I want to give up.
For me to concentrate fully on getting into shape and watching what I’m eating and trying to exercise – I have to focus on it constantly. If I don’t, I stop. I’m finding it hard to do anything of actual worth to the world. I’m finding it hard to be outraged on social media, thus blogging. I’m finding it tiring to be an attentive mother when I’m hungry. Working is a chore. Sex – really? I’ve turned into a middle class, selfish, self absorbed prat? I was already one of them, but now I’m worse. How boring must my blog posts be? All woe is me, I want to fit into a size 14 outfit and I’ve also bitten off all my fingernails. Blah blah blah.
There are people in the world with actual problems. I’m a self obsessed bore.
But, I’m a person and this is something that matters to me. My health matters to me. My kids growing older with a mum who doesn’t have a heart attack or stroke, matters to me.
Why is my brain fucking with me? Isn’t this whole process meant to get easier? Why do I get to a point that I feel like I’m changing bad habits, that I’m turning a corner and then WHAM I fuck it up?
I’m so lucky to be alive, breathing the air, cuddling my kids, watching sunsets, planning trips, paying bills…laughing. I am not living in fear. I am not on a boat watching waves crash over my babies. I am not scared for life. I must stop complaining, but I’m still fucking sad.
STOP.
bigwords x
NOTE TO SELF: Do not write a blog post at 11pm, after drinking a lot of wine and eating a bowl of mashed potato, followed by a slice of chocolate, banana cake, and then feel guilty and do a 20 minute session on the elliptical trainer. You will want to vomit.
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Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
The heading says it all. It is hard work. I lost a bit of weight and then slowly put it all back on within 12 months. It is a constant battle. I am exactly the same. Take my eye off the ball for a second and back downhill. But there is a silver lining – like you say, you have not gone backwards. So you’ve eaten food and not exercised. So what? Just start back again. You can do it. I understand the sadness but try and pick yourself back up tomorrow. (I may or may not be saying this as much for you as me). Look forward to hearing how you are going. x
Oh Kym, thank you so much. It is so hard, it shouldn’t be. It should just be a given, but it’s not. We can do it – I really freaking hope we can xx
I could have written that post. It’s pretty much how I feel aswell. I’ve lost just over a stone in the last few weeks, but have so many more to go (about another 6 or 7 – I’m THAT much of a lump) that it all seems too much and I forget to exercise then cant be bothered to exercise the following day, accidentally open the wine (like tonight) and use all kinds of excuses not to get back on the diet again. But at the same time as using ‘excuses’ it is bloody hard work when you are trying to lose weight and it can seem never ending so no wonder it gets to us at times. You’ll get there, you just need to find that little extra bit of motivation and you’ll be dropping pounds all over the place! Good luck!
You’ve lost over a stone! That’s amazing. Focus on that. It’s too hard to keep motivated if you just focus on how far you’ve got to go. Best to keep positive and think about the amazing changes you’ve already made. You can do it. We can do it xx
Lovely B – after I finished triathlon it took me two years to retrain my brain with regard to food. I say this not to dishearten you, but to let you know that I should be happy it only took me two years … because I spent 10 years training my brain to think I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And I DID spend 10 years eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted
All very relatable. Feeling boring sucks – but in your case you’re not. You have stories to share. I could read any one of a million blogs that are out there – but I choose a few to read regularly and yours is one of them.
So I have a proposal for you. As you know, I started a sabbatical recently and I’m looking for a week-day walking partner. Not the flat earth kind, but someone to go bush with me. I’m out of shape, I haven’t done hills for 6+ months and I’m itching to get back into it. Want to give it a try? I have a route up Mt Lofty that isn’t as harsh. It’s still hard but I’ll be taking it slowly. It takes about 2.5-3 hours round trip but there’s the promise of coffee and a massive high at the top and around 1,200 calories smashed. Probably some good column fodder in there too! Leah
You are such a sweetheart. I read your posts (they’re not boring … I love them) and so much of what you say is the same stuff that’s in my head. So. Much. It’s kinda freaky. If I may be so bold … I’d like to suggest that you read a book I read about 18 months ago. It’s called ‘The Gabriel Method’, by a guy called Jon Gabriel (funny that). As someone who has struggled with EVERYTHING to do with body issues and weight since I was a young child, his book gave me a new way of looking at things. His story is amazing. His website it yuck (very American), so please don’t be put off by it. Just start with his book. I’m a bit of an intuitive bunny, and I just have this sneaky little feeling that it might help you.
Be kind to yourself. You are such a gorgeous soul. Sending cyber hugs your way … jx
Jo – funny you should refer to the Gabriel method – I think its a great approach too (my memory is that essentially you can’t focus on ‘denying’ yourself – you need first to think of refreshing yourself (ie. most of us are dehydrated, because if we drink much, it often isn’t water), lacking nutrients, etc, etc. We have to be healthy in order to get fitter / lose weight. So even if you are having a ‘can’t be bothered day’, have a couple of glasses of water and either vegies or multi vitamins, or whatever to get some good nutrition into you, before giving into indulgence. You may find you indulge less, or not – but you’ll have a good base of health underpinning it, which in the long run gets you closer to where you are heading, without as much frustration with yourself. Worth a look, Bianca! (and good luck – its really hard, isn’t it? Don’t get discouraged though – one step at a time …)
Sigh. Your post touched me. At first, I thought, “She needs a big kick up the bum,” but then I melted with your honesty. We all have things we do that we shouldn’t. I used to be fat, now you could say I drink too much, but because I am thin, I wear my problems on the inside where no one can see them. Usually.
You’ll get lots of advice. Read Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness – she goes from 38 to 76 kilos – imagine the pain of that – literally doubling your weight in a short time – with two vicious eating disorders. You’ll be right. Back on your horse, soldier.
I read your entry yesterday, same same same, I love the way you write.
Purpose of comment, I just read ” one pound at a time”, translation… You didn’t put it on, just wavered in normal human response, thus, no great loss this week. It doesn’t matter if I believe in you, YOU believe in you, keep going, the fight/ battle/ struggle/ mind bending/ hardship/ annoyance is worth it. Good motives deserve positive outcomes, even if it is not weight loss. Jo
You can do it… Don’t worry we all feel like this at times…. Yes i drink too much wine then feel guilty too, I am up to about week 10 or 12 or who knows what of about my 4th try on Weight Watchers….so far so good….i had hit goal weight back in 2010 then them bam….the surprise package baby number three appears…..WTF….so finally over 3 years later i am starting to feel a little normal again….though I am in toddler and school holiday hell at the moment….i feel your pain, and I could go a bit of choc banana cake if you don’t mind!!!!