I ate one-and-a-half pulled pork rolls for breakfast today. They were delicious. On Friday it was a beef schnitzel with pepper sauce which made me smile. A meat pie and croissant smothered in jam last week. A tub of chocolate ice-cream last night. Tonight I’m looking forward to a fruit crumble with custard.
I’m a failure.
I’m sad to be home. I miss holidaying. It’s cold. I’m bored. I’m struggling. And instead of going for a walk, I’m eating my feelings.
I’m scared.
I’m plunging back into old ways. I really thought I’d turned a corner. Looks like I did, right into a bakery full of meat pies and donuts.
Last week I took my new skates for a spin. They’re fast and high and I felt unsteady on my feet. Wobbly. I fell and my right boob took the impact. I bounced and then my right elbow took the rest of the impact. My arm aches, my shoulder aches. I feel old. I’m sore.
And here’s the best part. I can’t wait to get back on my skates. I want to feel steady again, take long strides and cruise the corners. I want to lose my fear of failure and instead take the falls with positivity. Every ground slam teaches me something about my skating. It means I’m pushing myself. But it’s easy to talk the talk and to be honest I’ve got the fear in me. It’ll be hard to shake.
Fear drives me. Fear also paralyses me. I’m stuck. I’m steadily going up in the scales. I’m shunning exercise. I’m comfort food eating. I’m filling my soul up with sabotage. I don’t know if I can find the strength to turn this around. Not right now.
Failure tastes too good at the moment. I’m wrapping myself in a rug of self loathing and I’m feeding my soul chocolate-coated toffee. It’s keeping me safe and warm. At a cost.
I’ve got the wobbles big time. I need to pick myself up and keep going.
bigwords x
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Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Oh B….I think we’ve all been here. No words of encouragement from people can help you get back on track only you can do that. And I believe you will xx
Thanks honey x
Not failing. Just taking a detour..
I love your thinking Cate. x
Yep we’ve all been there and we all go back there from time to time. Read your early columns where you talked about tackling one thing at a time. The challenge in its entirety can be too overwhelming to contemplate but we can all take one small positive step that will move us a tiny weeny bit closer. Then that little step gives you the strength and desire to take the next one. I’m learning to run at the moment and today I ran for 20 mins without stopping. I couldn’t have done that when I started 5 weeks and 15 lessons ago. In 3 more weeks apparently I’ll be able to run 5km without stopping. I can’t even contemplate that at the moment but I’ll keep taking those small steps that will help me to get there. Also check out http://www.inklingwomen.com.au. They have a short video on forming habits that involves chocolate. Might be worth a try. Good luck!
Thanks for the link Leah. I’m seriously thinking of attempting the Couch to 5km. Well done on running for 20mins!! x
I’ve got the best motivation ever! Picture our beautiful 5yo Nick born with Prader Willi Syndrome: a condition whereby his appetite is never satisfied, constant emptiness and feelings of starvation 24/7. He is the bravest person I have ever met. He will inspire u B., and tell you you are loved whatever package your body comes in xx
What an inspiration he is. And you Jane x
Santorini Blues (that’s what my cousin calls a holiday downer after she came down flat after a trip to the Greek Islands – kinda funny since the blue of Santori is one of the happiest of all blues). I’m prone to a bit of comfort eating myself & have never mastered the skill of skating – so no ideas on that front. But I treat holiday blues with a bit of tourist time in my own town – trying out a new cafe or restaurant, driving through somewhere pretty & imagining I’m on a different continent – that kind of thing. Hoping those skates don’t feel so high next time you’re on them & a rainbow comes into your world soon.
Oh I love the idea of rainbow popping up! I love rainbows xx
I reckon one of the most important and for me enduring life changes I made when I started this whole thing for myself 18 months ago was NOTHING to do with exercise or eating.
And I realise now that I think it is the SINGLE most important key to success.
F O R G I V E N E S S.
Forgive yourself for this blip B – it certainly won’t be the last.
And there is no good at all on thinking about it for a moment longer.
Accept, FORGIVE, move ahead & let it go.
It’s ok. Everything will be ok.
YOU are ok (actually you are WAY more than ok but you know what I mean).
xxxxx
You’re so right Ruth. Forgiveness is the key. I’m definitely working on that because if I don’t I can’t move on. Today is a new day xx
What Ruth said. It’s just a blip. We aren’t machines … we are humans and we have ALL the feelings, and sometimes we do want to eat them!! One day at a time. Here’s a good way to start … if you want that pie or that cake or those donuts … have them, but just have half. Give the other half to a child or hubby. Baby steps. xxxx
I ate my feelings – felt good at the time, until it didn’t and that’s when I know I have to go back to healthier options which make me feel a whole lot better. LOve your comments Annie x
When I went through a bad period I ate cake and drank endless cups of tea everyday to soothe myself but of course it fuelled guilt and self criticism too as you describe above. What helped me to improve my diet was to focus on eating food that would help me feel better and nourish me rather than trying to lose weight/avoid bad foods/diet etc. It is a gradual process but I try to think ‘if I eat this how will I feel afterwards?’ and sometimes it helps. I also try to focus on filling up with lots of wholesome food with enough protein and heaps of veggies starting with a big breakfast because then I’m less likely to binge.
Thanks for the lovely comment. Today I had an egg on toast and a cup of black tea. It not only filled me up, but was delicious. x
Failure is language you don’t deserve to throw at yourself, it suggests a finality that isn’t true. At the moment you need comfort, and that means comfort from within as well – be kind with the voice you narrate in your head.
So how about you accept that you are “off the wagon” (for want of a better phrase) right now, but cherish the knowledge that you know you will get back there when you are ready, and in the meantime let it be ok.
So you took a step backwards and sideways (and maybe some more backwards), think of it as a funky dance rather than a run in a straight line.
I love the idea of doing a funky dance. I’m off to do one now – it also brings a smile to my face x
Please try not to succumb to the words ‘FAILURE’ and ‘FEAR’; they are never helpful. Here’s a great little Finnish proverb to keep in mind: ‘Happiness is a place between too much and too little.’ Go for it and enjoy the new skates!
That is an awesome saying. It’s all about finding the balance between the two I reckon xx
Know & accept the bump in the road just don’t let it derail your journey completely. Stop, breathe, accept, acknowledge … Now step away from the crap food that you know is bad for you. The biggest mistake people make is to give up after a binge. Have your binge, now get back on your skates & be accountable for moving forward, don’t dwell on it.
Also remove bad food from the house…if you want a cake/tim tam/custard make it so you have to skate to the shops to get it.
Alternatively…why are you eating your comfort? Maybe you need to look into that (scary as it might be, it might break the cycle once you realise what is taking you there)
Chin up, skates on, you can do it
Excellent advice. I really appreciate it x
It’s winter and it’s hard to get outside with the all that nasty wind and rain, not forgetting the occasional hail storm. Just think though how magical you are going to feel with the wind whipping past you as you fly down that hill, keep your goal in site, one thing will lead to another. Good luck xxxx
Your words mirror the last few months for me!
I was going so well with my journey, then I met a man, fell in love and began to eat! I spent more time with him and less time exercising. I spent more time cooking delicious meals I knew would win him over, no matter how overindulgent they were. I started to feel pretty miserable about myself and gave up on myself.
Then, last week I was hit with a horrible stomach bug, and while I lay in bed feeling horrible, I tried to distract myself with Pinterest (always works!). I came across a quote which has really stuck with me. It was referring to food, junk food, unhealthy foods.
“I can eat it, but I CHOOSE not to”.
It made me think of all the crash diets where you are given a huge list of things you CAN’T eat.
It helped me get my head back in the game and think positively, to feel better about myself and my strength. To feel like I did have a choice, I didn’t have to subconsciously stuff my face with chips & chocolate while watching tv and then fall into a depressive heap. Not that I don’t make bad choices, I do, and then I always feel disgusting. But I hold onto the memory of how that food made me feel so that next time temptation rocks around I am more inclined to step away.
Your honesty is inspirational, and I’m sure you’ll be whizzing around on your skates soon! 😀
Wishing you all the best on sticking to your new healthy regime. And so glad to see you popping in to read my wobbly words x