When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see your flaws or your assets? Do you see what other people see when they look at you? Or do you only see your own warped vision?
Lately, I’ve been looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who is skinnier than I actually am. When I go clothes shopping I’ve been selecting outfits that won’t fit me. When I grab the clothes off the hanger, they look big to me. As I am pulling them on, I will them to fit, because they’re huge compared to my body shape so of course they’ll fit me. Right? Wrong, they don’t. Nothing fits me anymore.
When I look in the mirror I see a smaller person. I am trying to trick myself into being slimmer.
Over the course of the blog, I’ve written a lot about my weight. I have body issues. I wish I was someone who was comfortable in their skin and just relaxed into a larger size and owned it. I can not. I am fearful of getting bigger. At what point do you give up on yourself? At what point do you admit defeat and stop caring. I am on that knife’s edge.
I can almost hear myself saying how I remember when I made the choice to give up. When I made the choice to surrender to my food demons. When I made the choice to be sedentary. When I made the choice to be overweight forever.
I don’t want to be that person, but I’ve been battling this for too long now and don’t know if I have the energy to keep fighting. This year I’ve put on 15 kilos. And each week my goal weight slips further away. I have bursts of going to the gym and eating healthily. Each time I vow it’s the start of my new way of life. I vow that I will be a healthier me. Each time I fail within a few weeks.
I’ve just started buying clothes from the plus-size section. I can’t buy clothes from my favourites shops anymore. They don’t go up to my size. Now I buy what fits and not so much what I like. Fashion retailers find it hard to comprehend that women of larger sizes still want to be fashion forward. Apparently you lose your right to mix with the fashion elite when you gain weight.
I saw an interview with the divine Dawn French on Seven’s Sunday Night program. She’s recently lost a huge amount of weight (45 kilos to be precise) and is now slowly putting it back on again. When asked how she’d lost so much weight she said it was through “joyless eating”. “I walked my dog a lot and I just did not eat any food that I liked and that’s why I’ve put on two-and-a-half stone because now I’ve returned to the world of happy eating,” she said.
I get her.
There’s no compromise for me. I either eat super healthy, small portions and go to bed with a rumble in my belly while keeping up a strict exercise regime or I pile on the pounds. There’s no in-between for me. As there’s no in-between for many people like me.
When do you decide to give up?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Don’t give up!! It is so hard to break the cycle, but you can do it!! What has helped me has been exercising regularly, and when I say exercising, I mean something that will make you sweat like crazy for 30 minutes 3 times a week. I have tried this for about a month now (I’m using Jillian Michaels’ exercise DVDs). I’ll be honest – I haven’t lost weight (at least, not yet) – but I do look more toned, and most importantly I feel 100% better than before. Also, I honestly feel more inclined towards healthy food options because of that heightened sense of well-being. It wasn’t easy to start, but at the same time I was feeling so low that I knew I needed to give this a proper try, and I am overjoyed that I am finally feeling better. You deserve to feel better about yourself, and you deserve to be healthy and strong. Do what you need to do to get there. It’s not about being small, it’s about being at peace within yourself. All the very best.
Oh, don’t give up. It’s a constant in my life too. I have taken up doing measurements more often as I have dropped cms if not kgs. Boring but true. For some reason the food isn’t a problem, maybe because I’ve been at it for years. I’m going to up the exercise now as I really want to drop another 5 kgs by the end of the month and it is going to take willpower. You will feel great when you can wear/buy the clothes you want to again.
I think I’m sitting in exactly the same spot on the fence as you. I’ve come to realize it’s an age thing. I’m 44 now. My Mum isn’t skinny, my Grandma wasn’t skinny & my Nan wasn’t skinny. They all were in their 20s, as was I (even though I was still constantly trying to lose weight back then…oh hindsight!) But like you I’ve stacked it on this past year or two. And it is the clothes thing that is the most frustrating. I know I’m never going to get back into much of my wardrobe. I do exercise, I try to get on the treadmill as aften as I can. But I simply am not losing any weight, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will. It’s genes…it’s lifestyle…it’s the fricken middle-age-spread! I’m just as annoyed about it as you. And I’m ready to give up. Trying is too stressful!! xx
I’m 42 and embracing the kaftan. Its liberating! To be fair I’m not what anyone would call overweight, just a little (alot?) jiggly around the upper thighs. I’ve spent most of my life keeping a running mental inventory over every morsel I’ve consumed and every calorie I’ve burned. I am over it.
I can relate Bianca, but I have no answers. I just keep trying to stick to reasonably good habits and slow down the spread. But I don’t seem to be stopping it or reversing it! I’ve thought about how lovely it would be to not care and to eat what I want, but I already feel the physical effects of age and carrying more weight than I’d like to – things like swollen feet in the heat, achy legs etc. I want to feel physically fit and ‘youthful’ for as long as I can.
Hey Mate,
To answer your question the times I have ‘given up’ are the times I decide the goal is no longer worth the work. I’m pretty stubborn. I consider myself capable and confident. I hate giving up.
But I’ve given up on some things because I decided I really didn’t need to reach the goal.
What’s your goal? If it’s fitting into clothes I suppose you can always buy more clothes.
If it’s health – well that another story right? Because if you’re giving up your health you’re giving up time with those you love. But will it be quality time? Will ‘getting healthy’ for later so distract you from living now that you end up robbing Peter to pay Paul?
Losing weight is hard, slow boring work. It’s also easy – right? I mean only you put food in your mouth. Only you decide to go exercise. Easy.
Crap. It’s boring, it’s tough, it’s no fun. It’s just plain hard work.
It means denying yourself, pushing yourself, being honest with yourself
And I’m not saying putting on weight is fun. None of us do it because we’re cold and figure some extra fat will get us through the winter months. None of us put on weight to make a fashion statement.
I won’t think any less of you if you give up. I never think of you as a weight, I think of you as a brain. But if you do want to keep trying I’ll enjoy your successes that will be sure to come with that hard work (it’s always rewarded that hard work). If you do ‘give up’ I’ll enjoy your other successes that come with the other hard work.
And I’ll always enjoy your blog.
Cheers and looking forward to catching up for a vino or two over Christmas break if you get down to Port W.
Love
Rob
What he said.
Rob, Your comment is so thoughtful, wonderful, kind and spot on. Whenever I write about my weight you are always there championing me. I really appreciate your support and love. Can not wait to see you and your beautiful family soon.
Thank you
Bianca x
I didn’t give up, my weight gain is about punishing my body for not working right in the first place. It didn’t want to work so I made it fat, I made it ugly and I wallowed in that. The longer it didn’t work – of course now not helped by the fact that I was punishing it, go figure! – the more I punished it, the unhappier I became.
This –
“I wish I was someone who was comfortable in their skin and just relaxed into a larger size and owned it. I can not.”
– so much this. This is me all over. I envy those gorgeous gals who rock their body for what it is, size being irrelevant. Who dress it up and show it off, who oooooooze body confidence that you can literally see dripping off them. I wish that was me but the simple fact is, it is not and it never will be at this size. I’m not a big girl. No I currently AM a big girl but I’m not meant to be a big girl, I know this because I haven’t been comfortable or confident in my “big girl” skin now many a year.
I wrote about it in more detail here —> http://stink-bomb.blogspot.com.au/2012/10/at-size-i-am-now.html
I know have another way of thinking. I remember when Guv was trying to give up smoking. He tried about 5 or 6 times unsuccessfully at various times over the years, until finally I said to him “don’t force it, when you’re meant to give up, to make that change, you will, you’ll just be able to do it.” That day came, almost 5 years ago now and he just gave up cold turkey and hasn’t touched one since. I think the same can be applied to losing weight. When you’re meant to, when you’re in the right head space, everything will fall into place and you’ll just be able to. It will still be hard slog but you’ll do it.
My time for that is now, it feels right, it feels like if I don’t, then I may not be around for as long as I should be, my health is at jeopardy and if that isn’t the time to do something about it, then there never will be.
Good luck B, you have a cheer squad ready and waiting for when you need it.
x
I have so much to say on this topic that I am going to email you instead of trying to pack it all into a comment. I understand how you feel on so many levels and all I can say is you can turn it around, you can maintain the positive changes, you can teach yourself to never give up on yourself. It’s been the hardest struggle ever….. I am still battling my food demons every day.
Change your goals. I am not interested in loosing x kilos. BUT I did want to feel better, be stronger, be happier. So, my goal was to run in a fun run. Fits all the SMART goals. Most of all time based. I would have been happy with the 5kms, but I did up to 8km in training. Go me. Anyway, I ended up pregnant (yay) but I still did it and gave myself a high five when I finished!!! Bonus of training and eating properly, was that I lost a few kilos too. Focus on the fitness. It’s way more important and fulfilling than the weight. Xx
What a beautiful brilliant comment. I am with Kirsty. What he sAid B 🙂
I’m a reasonably active vegetarian with a nutritious and balanced diet who is also overweight. I eat healthy food, I just eat too much of it. Because I was raised very strongly to view weight as about health and not appearance I felt like it wasn’t much of an issue. It’s not like I eat hamburgers and chips. When I moved to Japan my job requires me to have an annual health check and I get the results. In three years I gained sixteen kilos. It was a real eye opener to me to see the results of my health check every year, going from perfect scores in year one to now, with the weight gain, to blood pressure and cholesterol nudging into the danger zone. I’ve also noticed my energy levels dropping, my sleep become less refreshing and my moods changing (mood swings, feeling generally grumpy and dissatisfied). Because I still consider myself to be health it was a real shock to look at the changes to my body on paper. For me, the motivation to improve my lifestyle is not about how I look but about wanting to feel better.
To lose dramatic amounts of weight does mean a lot of work, but for health outcomes as little as a 500 calorie reduction and doing about 100 calories worth of additional exercise per day is enough to make a difference, and modest changes are much more sustainable. I have about three cups of tea or coffee a day with two sugars. I don’t like the taste of artificial sweetener but I discovered that I couldn’t tell the difference if I have one tsp of sugar and one sweetener. Just that small change cuts 17520 calories out of my diet a year.
Sorry to write such a long post, I just wanted to suggest that maybe looking at small, sustainable changes is something to consider before giving up completely 🙂
Me too. Me too, me too, me too. I seem to recall you and I doing a round (just the one) of a certain exercise regime at the same time last year. Every day lately, I have made the conscious choice not to exercise much beyond a brisk walk of the dog. I have gained 3kg so far but it may as well be 20. I don’t see the point in living my life as if I am denying myself what I truly feel like. I get very annoyed that to be “my ideal weight” I will have to forego chocolate. And other yummy delights. It’s not me. I am a different body type now that I have two children and umpteen pregnancies and extra years behind me. And I see now that I either live out the rest of my days slogging myself with exercise (something i do actually quite enjoy but need to get back into the habit it of) as well as sacrificing any “joy” with my eating – I hear ya, Dawn! – or I strike a balance.
I think I can safely say I have almost found that balance. To put on 2-3kg in the past 12 months isn’t too bad an effort I’d say (until I told you I still need to lose around 10kg to be comfortable…. ahem).
This is going nowhere, this comment. Suffice to say…. I hear you. I admire you for sharing this post. And when you want to feel guilt-free about having your cake and eating it too, come sit by me sometime and we’ll have a piece together.
xxxx
Good Luck x
I too, think of food all day every day.
Beautiful I get everything you say, I have been there and the moment I stopped dieting and embraced who I was and realised the most important people in my life like the Mr, my kids and my friends couldn’t give a hoot about my weight and loved me for me, over a 3 year period with just a daily walk, and one less bar of chocolate 😉 the change came slowly. The inner voice you hear is not very helpful, the behaviour patterns we create are changeable it all takes time. If you ever want to chat I’m here. Lots of love you are totally beautiful x
I love this post and Rob’s comments so much! It’s the never bloody ending battle that goes on in my wardrobe and head space too. I don’t have the answers. I’m just riding the roller coaster of emotions: joy, depression, success, failure. And the more worrying concern of passing on my body image issues to my daughters.
At 38 I am the most comfortable and accepting of myself as I have ever been. I am overweight, but I am active and healthy. Best of all, I am surrounded by people who love me for me. Jac
When I met you last year I totally fell in love with you. You have the most awesome warmth and personality. You are smart and funny and so much of that shines in your words here. Your reflection in the mirror doesn’t change those parts of your person. The social norms mess with our heads and our hormones until we don’t even subjectively know what we look like in the mirror anymore. For me finding balance and joy in the food and exercise has gotten me to a place where I am more at ease with and proud of my body than I ever have been in my life but at the end of the day I am still the same person, with the same dreams, beliefs and insecurities,on the inside. Tatum xx
I so get you! Honestly my whole life I spent as a tiny size 6/30 and never considered what I at until I hit the bit 30. For some reason I started piling it on – more than 20 kgs in less than 2 years to be precise and I’m still there. Recently I started gymming, cutting out all the “bad” stuff and I can definitely see results BUT its as you say. Do I really want to live like this the rest of my life without the things I love? I’ve gotten used to my size (I joke that I’m now twice the woman my husband married cause I’m a size 12 now) but its the flabbiness and lack of a shape that bothers me … lol. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dieting or on a meal plan and dreaming of the good stuff – but I don’t want to be this either. Its a new challenge in my life and I’m also still working out the kinks … hopefully sooner rather than later. Good luck on your side!