My three children are very different, which is good because if they were the same it would be boring and I’m pretty sure they would just spend their whole day asking me for something to eat. Oh wait?
Anyway, Miss L, the eldest, strives to be perfect at everything. If she can’t write the letter R perfectly she will most probably have a small meltdown and then quietly, when no-one is watching, will practise writing it until it is perfect. She will show the entire family her perfect R and ask for much praise.
“I am excellent at writing the letter R, aren’t I?” she’ll exclaim proudly.
“Yes, you are honey – EXCELLENT at it,” we’ll reply repeatedly, until she moves onto her next endeavour.
Miss E, our middle child, will attempt to write the letter R, if it’s not perfect straight away, she’ll just move onto another letter. She might try it again at a later date, if she can be bothered.
“I’m pretty good at writing letter R, but I’m much better at Ts,” she’ll say matter-of-factly, then she’ll go and play.
“Yes, you are honey – PRETTY GOOD at it,” we’ll shout, as she runs off distracted.
Miss H, our youngest child, will argue with us about what the letter R looks like. We’ll say it’s an R, she’ll say no, and then she’ll get one of her sisters to write it for her.
I love watching how they learn and we are slowly working out ways to tailor the way we encourage them.
We know we have to back-off with Miss L as she already puts enough pressure on herself, we have to give Miss E just a little push or she’ll happily sit idly watching the world pass her by, because frankly she’s not too fussed, and when it comes to Miss H, she’ll be just fine I reckon.
Although we play on their own desire to compete with each other, particularly when it comes to helping out, we’re starting to discover even that isn’t working.
As Miss E stated today, when she refused to get dressed and I told her she wasn’t going to “win” the getting ready race: “It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to come last, I’m going to come third and third’s fine”.
And you know what, third is fine. What’s the deal with trying to push your children into being the best? I’d much rather my kids do what makes them happy, at their own pace, rather than feeling pressured to always push themselves to their limits.
I think pursuing perfection is somewhat futile, unless of course that’s what makes you happy. What do you think?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
You are so very right. Our children have their own dreams, likes and dislikes. Love your Miss E’s attitude you can’t win all the time, some of us never win in the comps or races yet it’s the attitude and what we have in our hearts that is most important.
Love love LOVE this post! I always have told my kids not to be disappointed if they come last, fail a test, whatever… because as long as they did their best, that’s all that matters 🙂
Super insightful post B. I don’t know what the baby will be like as yet (of course) but Bebito can approach things in all the 3 ways you describe depending on 1. his mood and 2. his interest in the activity…..which is why I’m sure I can’t toilet train him for anything cos he’s not in the slightest bit interested in it. He is absolutely like me though in that he isn’t competitive with anyone except himself. I’m a reformed perfectionist and have found that one of the biggest battles of my supposedly adult life.
Oh! I have one a lot like Miss L. she likes things to be organised and be good at things and will be most put out if she cannot do something immediately- she has her mothers lack of patience. She also has my athletic ability ( AKA none) and this frustrates her at times but we always try to encourage what she is good at. As I generally get through life with a thats pretty good/ good enough attitude I struggle with her need to have things just so. I agree, we need to teach trying your own best is better than trying to be the best. great post Bianca.
Love that you get a taste of both ends of the spectrum with them, and that you are able to recognise their different strengths. We have a Miss L, for sure – often upset because she can’t do something perfectly, immediately! Teaching her that third is ok is something we are working on!
My dad was a senior lecturer at UQ but he never pushed his children to achieve perfection..
What always stuck in my head was the beautiful advice he did give…..
‘It doesnt matter what job you do so long as you do your very best and also to always strive to be happy with and like the person you see looking back at you in the mirror everyday.’
I went on to become a registered nurse because I wanted to and not because I was pushed.
I really believe the way to help our children achieve true happiness is to help them find their passion in life and also to guide them to ways to be proud of the person who stares back at them each day.xx
Isn’t it funny how 3 children with the same genes and same upbringing can be so different? Mine are like that, they’re as different as apples, oranges and bananas! I think there’s a fine line between encouraging them to do their best and striving for perfection. I don’t need my children to be the best children, but I do want them to be the best versions of themselves.