When I Grow Up

When I Grow Up


I watched a dispute between two local stylists play out on social media this morning. It was pretty brutal and a little absurd.

Understandably, they were pretty upset and their “tribes” jumped into protect each of their styling heroes. I know both of the women and have no thoughts either way about the slanging match. It got a little dirty, is all I can say, but I was fascinated by the vitriol and the passion.

I was actually a little jealous, in a strange, twisted way.

Aside from my family, I don’t have anything I’m passionate about.

I enjoy baking. I like to take photographs. I would happily watch back-to-back Real Housewives of New York episodes. I enjoy reading. I love traveling, but who doesn’t?

I write, for a living and for fun, and for a sense of purpose on my blog. I’m not a particularly good blogger – I’m unsure how to “build a community” and maintain momentum. I don’t have a “niche”. I can’t “teach” anyone anything. I’m mediocre at social media and ok at public relations. I’ve never written “the” book despite starting dozens.

I’m not lacking in confidence or self belief, I just believe I’m not brilliant at anything enough to stand out.

I don’t have any hobbies or interesting creative pursuits. I’m not even a very good friend, as I’m weighed down in daily life stuff.

I’m an awesome mum, flawed, but awesome. I could be a better wife.

So, today when I watched these two women attack each other, I felt sad that they were both so upset, but I also felt a little envious. They had built a “community” based on their passion. They had both created something for themselves that took them to new places and brought them new challenges. It’s their passion, whether at times a little misguided, that attracts others to them. In the end, they’ll both realise that it doesn’t matter if you mix colours or not, it’s the fact they have each grown something out of what they love, that matters. Run your own race. Let your passion lead you.

I want new challenges. I want to be passionate about something. 

I’m not unhappy. I like what I’m doing. I have a wonderful family life and a super cute dog. We go away in our caravan. We want for nothing, except maybe some financial security, but doesn’t everyone. I must admit living freelance job to freelance job is pretty frightening when you have three kids.

I know there’s something bigger waiting for me. And I don’t want to settle on something that doesn’t make me want to wholeheartedly throw myself into it. I just don’t know what it is.

How do you work out what makes you tick? How do you work out what your passion is?

I keep telling myself that when I grow up I’ll know. I’m grown up now. I still don’t know.

Bianca x





  1. We really should meet up and chat over a wine some day! I could have written the exact same post except at the moment, I can’t even come up with ideas of what to post about. My blog has twisted and turned, been left for dead and revived (when I say revived, I mean I’ve written something – and it’s been read by a few people). I gave-up on the consultancy I’d set up when we first moved here because it wasn’t working and I wasn’t “passionate” enough about it to make it work. Some might say I’d failed. I prefer to see it as having tried something and decided to move on.

    I’m almost 43 and I like you I have a stack of stuff I like doing but I wouldn’t say any of them are my passion, except maybe food, wine, reading and the odd Netflix binge – but that’s hardly a career.

    I have a part-time job I like and it should give me time to do the other stuff I like doing like cooking and writing and hanging out with my family and enjoying this great place we now call home.

    Maybe it is ok to just be happy without having such a grand passion? And besides, who wants to grow up?

    Thanks for you post!

    • We really should. I bet you’d know some good Barossa reds too. Why can’t watching Netflix, food and wine not be a career? Sounds perfect to me ; )

      Thanks so much for your wonderful insight x

  2. Hi – I’m one person who’s really happy to see your blog posts again. I love your down to earth take on life, and your interest in social justice seems pretty passionate to me. Here’s a thing people tell you to think about when you are figuring out what interests you could get passionate about – what did you do for fun when you were 11 or 12 years old? When you are old enough to have some autonomy but young enough that you don’t have too many inhibitions.

    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks so much for your brill comment. You’re right I am passionate about social justice. You know, I loved rollerskating and listening to George Michael, Culture Club, Michael Jackson, Prince and Olivia Newton John. Making up stories in my head and writing. And eating ice cream with chocolate topping. Are there jobs that combine all of those things? Gosh, I hope so x

  3. Hopefully when you “grow up” you’ll never engage in a public slanging match online. Made me really sad to see that one unfold.

    Nobody wins these things!! Everyone comes off looking a bit worse for it.
    Any call to your tribe that’s basically “sick ’em Rex” turns me right off. It’s a gross manipulation of people’s loyalties.

    And back to the point – follow your passion is actually BS. Did you know Elizabeth Gilbert has now renounced her past advice to live this way?
    Super interesting to hear her discuss it.

    I’m all for curiosity and living a life I’m content with. Call it humdrum if you like, but there’s nothing better than not having a tribe that will blindly rip into another person over a perceived slight. Truly.

    Just enjoy your life! Caravans and family sounds pretty great to me.

  4. Same same. Firstly I think you’re a great blogger and a large part of that is because it’s not all shiny like some of the others out there that make you want to do a little vomit in your mouth. I read somewhere a while ago that it’s perfectly ok to be average – not everyone in the world can be a superstar at something – and that set off a little lightbulb in my mind. Similar to you, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up (I’m 34) and have feelings of failure sometimes when I think about how I’m not killing it in any field. In some way I think this feeling of inadequacy when you’re NOT a high achiever is brought about by messages we all get fed from a young age about being whatever we want to be (this notion usually gets properly fucked over for women when kids arrive) & how high achievers are constantly held up as examples of what we could become. I think most of us are pretty mediocre in lots of ways, it’s just that we all think everyone else has their shit together when they don’t. I love reading what you write, by the way. And to add to your Mother’s Day post I saw this morning – the day can go and eat a dick as far as I’m concerned. I hope you’re feeling a bit better by now xxx

Leave a Reply