I watched a dispute between two local stylists play out on social media this morning. It was pretty brutal and a little absurd.

Understandably, they were pretty upset and their “tribes” jumped into protect each of their styling heroes. I know both of the women and have no thoughts either way about the slanging match. It got a little dirty, is all I can say, but I was fascinated by the vitriol and the passion.

I was actually a little jealous, in a strange, twisted way.

Aside from my family, I don’t have anything I’m passionate about.

I enjoy baking. I like to take photographs. I would happily watch back-to-back Real Housewives of New York episodes. I enjoy reading. I love traveling, but who doesn’t?

I write, for a living and for fun, and for a sense of purpose on my blog. I’m not a particularly good blogger – I’m unsure how to “build a community” and maintain momentum. I don’t have a “niche”. I can’t “teach” anyone anything. I’m mediocre at social media and ok at public relations. I’ve never written “the” book despite starting dozens.

I’m not lacking in confidence or self belief, I just believe I’m not brilliant at anything enough to stand out.

I don’t have any hobbies or interesting creative pursuits. I’m not even a very good friend, as I’m weighed down in daily life stuff.

I’m an awesome mum, flawed, but awesome. I could be a better wife.

So, today when I watched these two women attack each other, I felt sad that they were both so upset, but I also felt a little envious. They had built a “community” based on their passion. They had both created something for themselves that took them to new places and brought them new challenges. It’s their passion, whether at times a little misguided, that attracts others to them. In the end, they’ll both realise that it doesn’t matter if you mix colours or not, it’s the fact they have each grown something out of what they love, that matters. Run your own race. Let your passion lead you.

I want new challenges. I want to be passionate about something. 

I’m not unhappy. I like what I’m doing. I have a wonderful family life and a super cute dog. We go away in our caravan. We want for nothing, except maybe some financial security, but doesn’t everyone. I must admit living freelance job to freelance job is pretty frightening when you have three kids.

I know there’s something bigger waiting for me. And I don’t want to settle on something that doesn’t make me want to wholeheartedly throw myself into it. I just don’t know what it is.

How do you work out what makes you tick? How do you work out what your passion is?

I keep telling myself that when I grow up I’ll know. I’m grown up now. I still don’t know.

Bianca x