I was reading my favourite columnist today. Her name is Samantha Brick. I don’t know if that’s her real name, I’m pretty sure it’s code for – thick as a brick, but in all honesty I think she’s just rad. Her satirical piece on how other women loathe her for being too beautiful, was a worldwide hit and she’s followed it up with this selection of words, lightly woven together, which tackles obesity and why women must always be thin. Hooray. Finally someone had the guts to say it out loud. You can read all the lightweight details here – SORRY EXCUSE FOR WRITING. 

I love that she spends days in her office pretending to be a writer.

She’s the one at the keyboard, but surely she should be exercising.
Women must at all times be flexible for the man in their life.

And here she is out and about. Well, apparently it’s her, but I think not, BECAUSE THERE ARE CARBS IN HER BASKET. Women do not eat bread.

Anyway, I’ve decided that she really is a genius and I am going to start putting words in rows like her in the hope of gaining notoriety for my stupidity.

So, from today I am going to only eat air and drink unicorn mist. I will attach mirrors to all the walls of my house to remind myself that I must always look beautiful. I will make those mirrors of the magnifying variety to enlarge my flaws and my arse, so I always strive to be thinner and save harder for surgery to correct the inconsistencies in my facial features.

Then I will book my hemispherectomy appointment. Job done.

Thanks Samantha – you are a modern day miracle.

bigwords x