Last weekend a group of super-amazing, so hot right now Australian bloggers met in Sydney for the inaugural Australian Bloggers Conference. For many participants, it was the first time they’d met their online friends in real life and bonds, verging on stalking, were formed over blood poisoning amounts of champagne and apple mojitos. As many have already written, the conference was brilliantly organised by five women who between them have 18 children – that’s 18 children. No-one actually explained that four of them had no children and only one of them had been pregnant for the past 20 years.
Aside from reaffirming that blogging was a serious, and ludicrously fun, pursuit – I think most of us in that room also realised that we have an unhealthy love of Twitter. I was convinced of that when the majority of women on my table started tweeting each other during dinner, leaving meat to go cold on the table and drinks untouched, which is simply inexcusable. Maybe we are so used to never eating an entire meal without distractions, we were shocked by the prospect of actually eating warm food. At least I didn’t wee on my food like someone I will not name, ahem…Megan Blandford. Ok, it wasn’t wee, it was a weed-like garnish, but someone tweeted a bit fast and got mixed up.
So, as the night got exceedingly blurry and my dance moves got proportionately more freaking genius-like, I feared I had been sucked into some strange “bubbles” induced social media world where the robot rules and Twitter is Queen. I knew this when I heard Michael Jackson’s iconic song, Thriller, start playing over the second-rate DJ’s dodgy speakers, and instead of bowing to the King of Pop, I yelled “OMG, Twitter’s on, this is the coolest song ever.” It wasn’t until I had fully immersed myself in the music of the night that I had, as Oprah would say an “AHA moment”. Not that I suddenly teased my hair and started looking wistfully into space while singing Take On Me, I actually realised that the song I was dancing to was Thriller, not in fact Twitter. Three things happened then. One, I realised that perhaps drinking two drinks simultaneously over a period of two days probably wasn’t working for me. Two, I needed to get out more and three, there was a great blog post in that.
So here goes it, my reworked version of Thriller. Now to be known as… Twitter.
It’s close to midnight and I’m still typing on my keyboard,
Under the moonlight, I watch the tweet stream moving really fast,
I’ve drunk too much, but still I can not make myself turn away,
My pupils sore, and hashtags flash right before my eyes,
’cause this is Twitter, Twitter night
And no one’s gonna save me from the spam that’s about to strike
You know it’s twitter, twitter night
You’re typing for your life inside a Twitter, thriller tonight
You hear the door slam and realise that your child’s in the room
You feel the small hand and wonder if you’ll get them fed by noon
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the child creepin’ up behind
You’re out of wine
’cause this is Twitter, Twitter night
There ain’t no extra hours to fed and clean your house
You know it’s Twitter, Twitter night
You’re typing for your life inside of Twitter, thriller tonight
Night Twitter calls
And the Tweeps start to build on their masquerade
There’s no escapin’ the witty banter of the night
(you’re left open wide)
This is your online life
They’re out to stop you, there’s family closing in on every side
They will harass you unless you close your laptop for the night
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together
All thru the day I’ll steer you from the tweet stream on the screen,
I’ll make you see
That this is Twitter, Twitter night
’cause I can thrill you more than any Tweep would dare to try
Girl, this is Twitter, Twitter night
So let me hold you tight and save you from the drunk tweet of the night,
Twitter. Here. Tonight
(rap performed by Sawhole)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Twitterers trawl in search of fun
The gin’s been drunk, they’re onto rum
And whosever shall get a retweet
Will giggle at their humorous feat
Then stand and face the turtle
And sit inside the white pod shell
The smell of Nutella’s in the air
The banter of twitterers in the room
And little kids from your womb
Are closing in to seal your doom (feed us, dress us, clean the room)
And though you type to stay alive
Your body starts to quiver
For no mere blogger can resist
The evil of the Twitter
* maniacal laugh, in deep echo, bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha*
Bring on Aussie Bloggers Conference 2012. I’ll be there with my sparkly glove on!
PS: My apologies to you Mr Jackson. May you be happily moonwalking in the sky. Or with Elvis in a South Carolina diner, if the conspiracy theories are to be believed.
You are freaking hilarious. I love it. And I Loved meeting you. Only wish to didn’t live all the way down in the laid. xxxx Big smooches.
OH.MY.GOD. This is the coolest thing I have ever seen! Cooler than my first born child in fact.
If at all possible, I just fell in love with you even more. Freaking hilarious. XXX
It was no typo, I meant it, she really had weed on her fish. She is a crazy lady that MB!! Bit like your funny crazy self.
Love your work.
LOL, very clever! Damn, now I have to go to you tube to remind myself how the music in the verses goes (how could I possibly have forgotten that after all these years???).
Gold, just gold. xx
Love it, you’re a genius! 🙂
oh my this is freakin’ hilarious. I’m singing along and love it WAY better than the original. You, my friend, have missed your calling … or maybe this is part of it!!!
OMG that is just too funny for words!
You’re very clever Ms BigWords – and I loved finally getting to meet you on the weekend (even if I didn’t recognise you!!)
Quite frankly, I’ve felt for a long while that ‘Thriller’ needed a revamp. Zombies, werewolves (et al) are sooooo 19-something-or-other.
You were the person to do it, Big Words.
My favourite line? “You’re out of wine.”
It made me jump in the car and drive to Dan Murphy’s and buy up BIG.
Gold gold gold GOLD!!!
I was dancing on said dancefloor when you came up and told me your freudian twitter slip. Laughed then like I’m laughing now, man. GOLD.
Oh BRILLIANT!!!!!! You MUST record. You MUST!!!!
MJ will be Tweeting somewhere. I guarantee it.
Love LOVE this! Best. Post. Ever.
HILARIOUS! Love it, love it, love it. Laughing my head off (which is a change from weeing on fish). Love. It.
So great to meet you and dance crazily with you! xxx
Ha ha! this is great, we must learn this for next year… I think Michael Jackson and Latoya are the same person any way… I’m sure she wont mind.
I told you on the night… You already had the Tweet of the Day with the wondering if trolls taste like chicken thing. And then you went and one-upped yourself with this. Now you’ve got the whole song!?? This, my friend, is pure genius. No two ways about it. I am going to cherish this song. It’s so, like, Now.
Genius! So funny, you are fabulous, I wish I had spent more time getting to know you.
*Sigh* Wish I had been there! That’s pretty much the BEST Anthem ever.
“hashtags flash before my eyes”. Loved it.
I was a witness to this stunning moment in musical history. It gave me one of the laughs of the night. Up there with robot dancing and vaccuum cleaner humping. You are amazing to come up with these words so quickly. I’m still digesting it all. Very glad I got to meet you BW xx
I just totally laughed out loud on the train on my way home from work & I swear people are looking at me like I’m a crazy lady but hey, that there is some true brilliance! You are a genius Ms B! You are such a warm, wondrous and gorgeous woman & I am so looking forward to a lunch date soon. Xxx
Genius! Nutella’s in the air…. Glad you all had a ball at the ABC. x
There was an extraordinary amount of twittering going on. Even during the conference part. I thought the DJ did a great job, but I have nothing to compare him with so I’ll bow to your knowledge.
This is too cute! You really do have a love-affair with Twitter. I am drawn straight to our table at the conference where you laughed out loud when there was no actual joke told (except on your screen!) It was great to meet you x
You are pure genius. You MUST perform this at the next Bloggers Conference. You really must. I loved meeting you and so glad we got to sit down and have afternoon tea together. xxxx
Coolest. Thing. Evah!!!
You are incredibly clever 🙂
so funny then and even funnier now the song is complete!
*bows in awe*
BAHAHAHAHAH! Love it!
This is absolute gold! No one can resist the evil of twitter!!! Ha ha so true. You are one funny mama
Hilarious ! & true !
Love, love, love! Michael Jackson would love this update too. Much better than the original too. (And damn you for having so much fun at the AusBlogCon without me). xx
Dammit. What an awesome post! #stillponderingthemathonthe18kids
this made me laugh so hard I peed.
But I am old so that is a given.
We totally need to flashmob this shizzle, complete with iphones.
How freakin hilarious is this? You are too clever! Twitter ought to make good use of your skills and market this to their advantage…
Oh, I LOVE this…and now I’m waiting – waiting in anticipation – for the official music video!!
You are so funny. 🙂 xxx
I’m slow to this – but I LOVE it.
ha! That’s hilarious! I’m so sad I can’t drink at the moment.
OMG, how did I miss this post? What an absolute crack-up. You should totally record and release this … or sell it to Weird Al Yankovic! (And the Sawhole rap is a classic touch).
That’s brilliant!! Now you just need to vlog yourself singing it!!
Love it! I’m laughing like crazy. I agree with Kelley, we need to flash mob this one in 2012.
I’m slow to this – but I LOVE it.