* Warning this post contains the word tampon. It may offend some people who don’t use them.
Since the birth of our third child I have once again been reaquainted with my friend – the tampon. The little white personal hygiene item has been a subject of conversation among my fellow bloggers and it got me thinking if I could redesign them, what would I do? So here goes it…
bigwords’s Top 7 Ways To Modernise Tampons
1) First off, the colour is all wrong. White? Really, who came up with that bright idea? I am thinking black or glow in the dark would be more fitting (ahem fitting, get it?) And you know what they say: “Once you go glow in the dark…” My friend Mrs Woog came up the bright idea of a range of faux fur ones. Brilliant she is, just brilliant!
2) I have also considered perhaps a range of tampons with the faces of famous people on them. There’s the obvious David Beckham, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Tiger Woods (get it, hole in one) and my personal favourite Matt Damon. And then there’s the not so obvious Grant Denyer (he’s a little white dude), George Bush (except he made more messes than he cleaned) and there’s alway Eddie Maguire (they don’t call him “Eddie Everywhere” for nothing).
3) And sticking with that theme, you could personalise your tampons with pictures of say a cork or a finger or perhaps (and this would be my favourite) with your husband or lover’s picture. Great Mother’s Day gift idea! You can only imagine the joy on your sister-in-law’s face when she opens up her personalised meds at Christmas lunch. Perhaps you can’t come up with a Kris Kringle idea or a gift for your kids’ teachers? The opportunities are endless.
4) Then there’s the shape. V-shaped could be handy or ribbed? Maybe just penis shaped at least there’d be a couple of balls to get it out easier. Have I gone too far? Nah.
5) Personally, I would also love it if my tampons were packaged in designer leather bags which could also be used to carry my lipstick. You’d have to be careful not to mix up the lipstick and the tampon though. Don’t laugh, this is possible if you’d had too many champagnes and it’s a dark toilet. I know people who have accidently put them upside down. And man it’s tricky to get a tampon out without access to the string.
6) That brings me to the colour of the string. Is there not a more obvious colour? How about a nude string or a string made of black hair? And seriously, do they really have to be THAT long? I know vaginas come in different shapes and sizes, but that is one mighty long string!
7) And lastly, if you can find a way to make them vibrate then I do believe YOU WILL BE A ZILLIONAIRE. “Putting the fun, fun, fun back into periods”.
Do you have any design ideas?
* I would like to thank the magnetic Mrs Woog, CEO of Woogsworld, and the delectable Beth of Baby Mac for inspiring me for this blog post. As most good ideas, this one started in a little bar and involved a too cool for Sydney waiter who was forced to listen to tales of a group of women who were meeting in the said bar to celebrate their award winning tampon designs. This then extended to a Twitter discussion, which in turn got me thinking about this blog post, which in turn might lose me some followers, but hopefully gain me some others. Thanks!
I’m with Woogs, I’ll have mine in faux fur, maybe a Beaver?
He WAS too cool for Sydney. What a strange (expensive) bar that was.
Loving the Kris Kringle idea. Think you’ve got a hit on your hands. And better that than anything else.
I think you can already get multi-coloured ones. I like the idea of the personalised one … the perfect gift for the girl who has everything.
Tassles baby!! They need tassles on the end. Nice & tickly. Oh & I love the idea about the famous faces on them. Since I am attempting to keep my language clean on other people’s blog post I won’t tell you why i think that’s a great idea. Because I can’t do it without swearing.
LOVE it. You would totally win the best designed tampon at those awards!
hahha! wish i had seen this conversation as it happened on twitter! lol! wonder if you were trending with the word ‘tampon’ or umm… ‘brad pitt’ !
as one who is cramping and about to run out and but some more of the little buggers – you made my day! now to face the disappointment of not being able to find anything that compares to your ideas
That waiter was a fuckwit. If he rolled his eyes at me one more time, I was going to punch his lights out.
Great post babe, great memories. I actually think that that was the last thing I rememebered that evening….. x
Oh my. You are SO getting a call from Libra’s development department.
Clever (and hilarious!) you. xx
Did you know u can get tampons “with wings” aka Carefree Flexia!!! *raises left eyebrow*
really? Where do the wings go???? Sounds uncomfortable!!
As long as I can work from home!! x
Such a funny night! If only I could too could remember more of it. Until we meet again gorgeous…. xx
Maybe you can draw your own pictures on them!?
Maybe we should start some awards like that? Any excuse for champagne!!
Or maybe an actual tiny little beaver!!??? x
it fitted in nicely with the whole vibe of the hotel!! But it was loads of fun x
Tassles?!! Now that’s a GREAT idea. I think you’re onto something!!
Exactly – for the girl that has everything!! x
“Putting the fun fun fun back into periods”.
When were periods ever fun?
I like the penis shape idea, but forget the balls, I wouldn’t want lumps like that in my knickers, just keep the string. And maybe have them come in assorted colours, like some boxes of condoms are. With matching or contrasting string colours. For added fun?
I like your little leather bag idea, you’d only need to buy that once, then get refills.
George Bush on a tampon?
Surely, you meant on a butt plug?
Bloody funny, Bianca! Maybe the string part needs to be glow in the dark? And you need a Tampurse to solve your storage problems! http://www.tampurse.com/
Maybe you should have just thrown a tampon at him?
I’m feeling a bit queasy all of a sudden. George Bush? Not near my bush.
Did anyone think of a Prince Charles one? He did say he wished to be one once upon a time…
And if you could shape them to hit the g-spot… For once we might start looking forward to our periods!
you too are making me far too jealous with your nights out and stuff. When are both coming to Lapland God damn it?!
THAT was awesome. I think one shaped like a penis would just be fabulous… and a bit larger, of course. x
Personalised tampons; genius. Reckon Mooo would pick it up?
Hilarious …yes send your ideas to Libra or Miss Jeour ?
A tampon to match your #merkin even
Oh, just checked it out- blingety bling!
LMFAO! I love it hahaha I seriously think you may be on to something
I don’t wear tampons but I’m not offended, because the reason I don’t wear tampons is because they aren’t personalized and don’t come in a cute little leather satchel in which I could carry my lipstick!