* Warning this post contains the word tampon. It may offend some people who don’t use them.

Since the birth of our third child I have once again been reaquainted with my friend – the tampon. The little white personal hygiene item has been a subject of conversation among my fellow bloggers and it got me thinking if I could redesign them, what would I do? So here goes it…

bigwords’s Top 7 Ways To Modernise Tampons

1) First off, the colour is all wrong. White? Really, who came up with that bright idea? I am thinking black or glow in the dark would be more fitting (ahem fitting, get it?) And you know what they say: “Once you go glow in the dark…” My friend Mrs Woog came up the bright idea of a range of faux fur ones. Brilliant she is, just brilliant!

2) I have also considered perhaps a range of tampons with the faces of famous people on them. There’s the obvious David Beckham, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Tiger Woods (get it, hole in one) and my personal favourite Matt Damon. And then there’s the not so obvious Grant Denyer (he’s a little white dude), George Bush (except he made more messes than he cleaned) and there’s alway Eddie Maguire (they don’t call him “Eddie Everywhere” for nothing).

3) And sticking with that theme, you could personalise your tampons with pictures of say a cork or a finger or perhaps (and this would be my favourite) with your husband or lover’s picture. Great Mother’s Day gift idea! You can only imagine the joy on your sister-in-law’s face when she opens up her personalised meds at Christmas lunch. Perhaps you can’t come up with a Kris Kringle idea or a gift for your kids’ teachers? The opportunities are endless.

4) Then there’s the shape. V-shaped could be handy or ribbed? Maybe just penis shaped at least there’d be a couple of balls to get it out easier. Have I gone too far? Nah.

5) Personally, I would also love it if my tampons were packaged in designer leather bags which could also be used to carry my lipstick. You’d have to be careful not to mix up the lipstick and the tampon though. Don’t laugh, this is possible if you’d had too many champagnes and it’s a dark toilet. I know people who have accidently put them upside down. And man it’s tricky to get a tampon out without access to the string.

6) That brings me to the colour of the string. Is there not a more obvious colour? How about a nude string or a string made of black hair? And seriously, do they really have to be THAT long? I know vaginas come in different shapes and sizes, but that is one mighty long string!

7) And lastly, if you can find a way to make them vibrate then I do believe YOU WILL BE A ZILLIONAIRE. “Putting the fun, fun, fun back into periods”.

Do you have any design ideas?

* I would like to thank the magnetic Mrs Woog, CEO of Woogsworld, and the delectable Beth of Baby Mac for inspiring me for this blog post. As most good ideas, this one started in a little bar and involved a too cool for Sydney waiter who was forced to listen to tales of a group of women who were meeting in the said bar to celebrate their award winning tampon designs. This then extended to a Twitter discussion, which in turn got me thinking about this blog post, which in turn might lose me some followers, but hopefully gain me some others. Thanks!