(this is before marriage and children – OBVIOUSLY)
I must apologise to my husband for drinking too much wine and falling asleep on the couch while watching The Voice last night. He had retired early to warm the bed for us, if you get my drift.
I had that one extra glass of wine and was
drunk exhausted, so got my blanket and snuggled up on the couch in the hope I’d fall alseep and not have to have sex be extra comfy. I fell asleep.
When I woke up I was
relieved terribly upset I’d missed my chance, but then realised there’d be many more chances. There’d be chances everyday if I so desired. If we didn’t often have children, in our bed or following us around constantly, there’d most probably be chances a couple of times a day.
Then I got
nervous excited at the possibility Twiggy might still be awake or would wake up as soon as I got into bed. It was then I knew I’d have to do The Slide.
The Slide is a well-practised manoeuvre of
drunk tired men and women everywhere who although really enjoy sex and love their partners very much, just can not be bothered. It’s a stealth like move, but first you must be prepared. You must get changed/or nuded-up for bed in another room, the lights might be off and you must have toileted before bed so as not to wake up your hopefully sleeping partner.
Then when you think the time is right, you slowly slide yourself into bed, in the exact position you want to sleep. Then, the next move is required – The Ironing Board. This is when you lay there as still as possible, all the while listening for the sounds of your partner’s breathing until you are sure they are sleeping. It is not until you are sure they are asleep that you can move into another more comfortable sleeping position.
This is when your partner may pull a move of their own, a move which you secretly
live in fear of desire. They could be pretending to have been sleeping the whole time (also known as The Zombie). And just as they sense you are fully relaxed about to fall asleep, they pounce with The Hand Creep. Trust me, this is a real move, it happened to me last week. I jumped off the bed startled and then I knew I had been beaten at my own game and had to admit defeat. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes defeatist sex is the best kind.
Last night, there was no Hand Creep, but I wish I’d executed a better Ironing Board as it was really uncomfortable laying on that darn toy kangaroo one of the kids had left on my side of the bed. Or did my husband leave it there to get me back for falling asleep on the couch?
So, husband I apologise and hopefully we’ll get another chance tonight.
Have you ever had to do The Slide?