Recently I was faced with the dilemma of having to buy sanitary napkins again. By again I mean, since having kids and being forced to buy those enormous surf boards that need a whole bag of their own to transport. I’m not joking – I packed an entire bag of them the first time I had a child. I wasn’t sure how many I’d need and they are truly enormous. You could attach one to each butt cheek, if going to a fancy dress party as Kim Kardashian, and you’d still have to strap them down with gaffa tape.
Anyway, I found myself standing at the pad aisle trying to find something suitable for my monthly requirements. Seriously, why don’t they have any with a built-in slow release hormone function to ensure you are stable throughout menstruation? Failing that, they could at least come with a family-sized block of Cadbury chocolate and a bottle of gin.
I stood looking at the murder of pads (murder I believe is the collective noun for many pads or maybe colony like a colony of beavers) and my eyes started rolling into the back of my head I was so confused AND BORED. Seeing that I am nearly 40, anything remotely period-like is just plain, mind numbingly boring. So, I just grabbed the cheapest thinnest looking, no wing-variety of pads and shoved them in my trolley.
It wasn’t until I had to use those suckers that I realised they were in fact panty liners to keep your panties fresh during the day. Two things are wrong about that sentence – the word panties and the fact women do that. I mean really? Really? I have never thought to line my knickers to keep my undies fresh. Isn’t that what undies are for?
That’s how I found myself with panty liners in my handbag. I am not quite sure why I still have them, but today they saved me. And this is why.
Not being the most organised person I had forgotten to replenish my tissue stash. So, when Miss E sneezed while I was standing in just my knickers in the change rooms of Target and a massive greenie was dangling from her nose I was unprepared. I dug through my bag looking for a shopping docket or a chewing gum wrapper and there like a beacon of light was a panty liner. I whipped that cheeky bugger out of its wrapper and used it to soak up the snot like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills coming across spilt champagne. I felt like I was in a suburban version of Man vs Wild – Woman vs Child. Luckily I wasn’t thirsty, that could’ve got nasty.
What have you been forced to use in an emergency?
bigwords x
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Boyo’s icecream on a stick snapped off the stick so I fashioned a bag out of a pad wrapper for him to hold it. Luckily, blue tartan not pink bows! Insult to injury!
Also made a sweet container out of a Moxie tampon tin. Benefits of an irregular cycle – always have ladygear with me..
Dear gods, I do occasionally feed my child vegetables!
Awesomely told tale B. I think you are braver than that drongo Bear Grylls anyway! As I am Queen of the Overpack when it comes to the smalls I haven’t yet had to improvise. I’ve had several wardrobe malfunctions in my day though & had to blue tak a dress strap on a pinafore style dress which had popped a button whilst out shopping for baby furniture when pregnant with Bebito. Why I had blue tak & not a safety pin in my bag I am not sure!
As I found out after slamming my finger in a car door, panty liners are useful for wrapping around a broken finger that is also cut to the bone. Wrap it tightly, add a layer of electrical tape and you’re good to go.
Tampon up my nose when I was driving and suffering from a huge bleeding nose.
My dad actually has panty liners in his work ute as they are a cheaper and better alternative to the non stick wound dressings you can pay a small fortune for!
Hah! I wonder if my son would appreciate having a tampon shoved up his nose when the snot attack happens. And I’m always without tissues when it happens. Oh, I see people have already done the tampon up their own nose.
Those things that dentists use look like tampons anyway.
*GIGGLE* I can see you now. And yes, people do this. They do this not for that so fresh feeling, but because sometimes, post-pregnancy (or multiple) they pee a little when they sneeze. Or cough. Or breathe. But not me. I’m just trying to explain it to you. Not me, though. (Or am I protesting too much?) 😉
So busy laughing I cant possibly comment!!
My toddler recently decorated our bathroom with sanitary towels. I was in the shower and came out to find them stuck everywhere. I left them up for the day. Very artistic.
‘ladygear’… Love it!
Woman vs child: love you survival skills!
I used a loose baby sock that was floating around in my handbag to wipe toddler snot today. I will keep the panty liner thing in mind for next time.