It happened. I broke. Last night while my 18-month-old child screamed, I sat on her bedroom floor and cried. I heaved. I wept until my husband came in and gently touched me on the arm, swept the baby up with him and whispered: “Go to sleep, honey”.
I couldn’t take myself off to my glorious bed though as our other two children had already climbed in there to get away from the toddler who we’d let scream it out. It had worked with the others – not this one. She just won’t give in. She just keeps screaming. She’s as stubborn as hell.
As I lay on the lounge hiding from everyone, with my blanket thrown over my face, I willed her to sleep. She had to or my husband and I would crumble in a heap. We’re just so tired. We’ve been going to sleep late, up working, and then waking before the kids to work again. I’ve probably got too much on my plate, but I like to eat a lot. I’ve always been hungry for more.
I momentarily indulged in the idea of grabbing the car keys and driving away. It was 1am though and I didn’t know where I’d drive to. Where does a nearly 40-year-old married mum of three kids drive at that time of the morning? And I wasn’t wearing a bra. The thought of just leaving made me feel better for a moment, but then it just saddened me. I can’t go anywhere. This is my life. I’ve chosen this path.
I am just so tired. Nearly every night for months our toddler has been waking just as we are going to bed or just after we’ve fallen asleep. Sometimes she will settle down in our bed and go straight back to sleep. That’s if we’re lucky. Generally, she will scream. You know the deal if you have kids. You know how relentless it is. You know how damn tired you are and how you never think you’ll sleep again.
I knew as I sat on her bedroom floor sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks, that she may have broken me for now, but soon she’ll stop waking through the night and soon we will be through this stage. I was just so exhausted. I still am. It’s never-ending. The never-ending exhaustion.
Are you exhausted too?
bigwords xx
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
After a week of spontaneous teary outbursts (mine) last night things finally broke for us when our son fell all the way down the stairs, moments after I had been screaming at him to hurry up and get downstairs for his bath. Life feels too fast for me at the moment… thankfully apart from a bump on the head he is fine. I felt like someone was giving me a warning shot though. I relate Bianca – oh so much.
Hi Bianca. First time commenting here, I’ve been reading the blog for a month. Just a suggestion, I’m guessing you’ve tried to find out what’s bothering your toddler?!? Maybe it’s time to get some help, ie Ngala or other similar services. Sometimes, when we’re too close to a situation/person we can’t see a solution to our troubles. I would also look into sensory issues (Occupational Therapists deal with such issues). Anyway, just some suggestions, I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. Best wishes! Bianca from Perth
There is always a reason for constant crying. When it is relentless & co-sleeping doesn’t cure or settle them, it is something more. Always check with your Doctor their ears, it’s the number 1 cause of screaming issues in the middle of the night due to the pressure lying down for long periods. If not the ears it could be bladder infection or another painful but not obvious problem. If you can, when behaviour is out of character, get them checked for piece of mind. Every time we did, there was always something wrong. This is the hardest job we will ever do!
I broke down into tears in the Apple store in Docaster today. Yep, I hear you. I get it. And you’re right…there will come a day when we won’t remember the relentlessness of these days of young kids and no sleep…bring it on. In the meantime, you’re not alone xx
You are doing a great job. Hard work being a Mum let alone working too. Give yourself a break. We have all been there at some stage, you are not alone
I just emailed my husband to say ‘Im not achieving anything, im tired, im anxious and im over it’…my son was the same. You would just lay your head on the pillow and BAM he would be up and screaming…turned out he needed grommets (the lying flat for 3-4 hours after 7pm made the fluid settle in his little ears and then the pressure would wake him)…I literally thought I would go insane. When I talk like you are here Im never asking for solutions but you do need to crack it, throw yourself on the floor, say no to a few things and then regroup and get back up. Its like a friggen rollercoaster ride that doesnt stop x
big big hugs hon! its the hardest most energy sapping thing we will ever do! it feels like it will never end! Jamie and I are looking forward to being in our 50’s so it will all be over and we will have our energy back again! i have moments like that alot and you’re never alone. Just at that moment in 1000’s of other households the same thing was happening! (ps what is with these stubborn 3rd children, we have one too) xxxxxxxxx
My neice was doing the same, going to sleep at bedtime fine, then waking up just as her parents were going to bed, and screaming until 5am! The grommet suggestion below sounds possible. Something my sister tried with my neice was worming her, which has helped…
I can so relate to this. We are on the other side now though. There is light at the end of the tunnel! My daughter basically did exactly as your daughter is but from about 4 months til she was 12 months. I was in the same place as you too ~ exhausted, broken. I was so tired it was sometimes dangerous for me to even drive and I felt completely isolated from family and friends. Noone could relate. When Zoe hit 12 months she just started sleeping through again. No amount of anything I did could stop her night waking and screaming, she just found her groove when she was ready. Is she still as stubborn as ever now? You bet! That’s a whole other story but she’s a great night sleeper now. Big hugs, as I’ve been there and you wonder how much energy you have left to keep going but you do. She will get there eventually. Xx
That is exactly how my husband and I feel at the moment. Pregnant with our 4th (with severe morning sickness), 12 month old mostly sleeping, 4 year old sleeping but 2 year old screaming at night! My sister (Jay) suggested worming and it appears to have worked. Within 2 days of her having the liquid that you can buy from the chemist she was sleeping better…she has never been a great sleeper but this was terrible. 7 nights in a row of screaming ALL night! I mean ALL night! She now has a cold (one week on) so sadly sleep is still elluding her a little but she is not crying for no reason. They don’t recommend giving under 2s the deworming stuff but I highly recomment seeing a doctor as they migh prescribe something. Deworming was a thought that did not occur to me because that has dirty connotation and we are not dirty people, BUT IT WORKED!! Good luck…I’m sorry that you have to go through this…
I would suggest having her ears checked if she has a cold. The ears could be infected, the pressure on the ear drum when lying down is excruciating for them. My daughter had the same, after a few nights, the ear drum ruptured and bled. After antibiotics, she was fine. Good luck.
Yes for about 5 years. I have found the parent helplines here terrific. Talking to a qualified nurse or counseller has given me some really practical actions to address issues with kids – including unsettled sleeping. I looked up the website in S.A and they have similiar services. Torrens house unfortunatly is only for children 12 months under but they may be able to refer to a service for older children.
http://www.cyh.com
Good luck and BTW driving in the middle of the night ( maybe with the music blaring) sounds like a very practical escape from the relentless crying. I’m sure if you get pulled over the kind policeman will understand why you are not wearing a bra!
My grandmother said a wise and wonderful thing: “All things come to pass, they don’t come to stay”. I repeat this to myself during hard times. It’s utterly true and a great source of comfort to me. Keep on keeping on 🙂
Oh honey!! Yes, I am exhausted with every inch of me – even my little toe! J has worked every weekend since Christmas & not taken a day off apart from last Saturday at all. It feels monotonous, overwhelming and ridiculous! I try hard to be positive but far out when Bebito is in to the 2nd hour of a tantrum & The baby naps for 15 minutes the whole day after waking 6 times overnight I want to run for the hills. I have no where to run either and I wouldn’t but man the sheer relentlessness is too too too much! I think we need to escape for coffee some time soon! Big hugs lovely friend. Xxxx
After several nights of my daughter keeping me up while she scratched at her excema and cried, she finally slept last night. And so, for a refreshing change of pace, my son had several nightmares and had me up most of last night. You’re right. Never-ending. xx
I get it. And it is relentless. Utterly. For me those days are passed, but I do not forget. It will pass. And for now, just do what you have to do to get through.
As for driving away in the middle of the night, I bet all you’d find are other braless mums desperate for a little peace with bed hair and bags under their eyes driving round too.
xxxxxx
Yes, yes I am. I get this. I’m not going to tell you that “this too shall pass” I fucking hate when people say that to me. So will a gastro bug, but it doesn’t mean it sucks any less when you are in the grips of it. Hang in there x
I can totally relate. It’s hard. We only have one, but she is a non-sleeper, even now at 7. We have recently started her on a course of Melatonin and for the first time in what feels like years (and probably is) we are getting some sleep. This too will pass…. and I don’t think anyone would judge you for not wearing a bra out at that time of night!
Big Hugs to you and hubby…hope you get some good sleep soon…I can remember those days and it aint pretty for anyone. Your only ‘broken’ temporarily xx
sweetie, I can only say that I know that pain. Dimples has always sucked at sleep. She turned two at the weekend and I am still up with her in the night. Stubborn as a mule and everything her older sister is not. Sometimes I am so tired I don’t hear her cry and DH deals with it: I assume that my body just can’t take any more broken sleep and filters out the noise.
Oh B, we have all been there at one stage or another. Some of us feel like we’re permanently there, too. I am looking forward to the day where sleep deprivation will be all but a glossed over memory, and we will drink in honour of the fact we survived on such a small amount of sleep for so long. x
I’ve done that. I’ve been on the floor crying while the baby screams. I had to be physically hauled out and told to go to bed. When my toddler was not yet weened and not yet sleeping through he once screamed for an hour and forty five minutes without cease. Did not stop. I have never known tiredness like the past few years. It is the primary reason I am only going to have one child. It is too exhausting.
I have only thoughts for you. Be kind to yourself. Try to do something nice for yourself.
xox
Hearing you lady!! We are going through the same shiz here. Next time come over for a cuppa, you are only 3 streets away. One of us is usually sitting in the kitchen at 1am, head in hands willing one of the kids to go to sleep, come and have a cuppa and we can complain together! X
It sounds like what used to be called “night terrors”. Could you perhaps discuss this with your doctor? He may know of a support group that can offer helpful suggestions. I have no other ideas for you. I have no experience of this, all of mine were such good sleepers. I’d put them to bed at night and they’d wake around 6am.
Oh! I’ve just remembered something. A friend, J, years ago had a daughter who wouldn’t go to sleep, insisting on staying up to play and wandering around the house. She would give her a dose of Horlicks in warm milk as a bedtime drink every second night and she said it helped with getting L sleepy enough to stay in bed. It’s a malted? milk powder available in jars at supermarkets, add it to warmed milk.
I am in the middle of toddlerhood and they just wear one down. Mentally it’s exhausting and worse if there is a lack of sleep. Thinking of you. Hope there are some decent sleeps and quieter toddler moments just around the corner x
Nothing to say, no advice. I just wish you didn’t have to go through it.xxxx
Sounds tough. I’m exhausted but not from my children, they sleep, but I work till midnight 3 nights a week, so getting to bed at 1am to wake to the alarm at 6.30 is exhausting. I do remember those days though when they don’t sleep. It is hard work.
I once daydreamed about hoping in my car and driving to a motel and checking in for 48 hours and doing nothing but sleeping, eating occassionally then sleeping some more.
I’ve been there. On the floor crying while one of my boys screamed. Begging them to sleep, to let me sleep. Neither slept well before the age of 2. I’ve had more sleep lately and I feel like a different person. There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. Exhaustion sucks. Hope you get a few hours extra very soon.
I so remember that place. A shift working husband complicated the situation and I will never forget the utter helplessness of watching him leave the house at 3.00am to go to work because he couldn’t get any sleep while I sat on the lounge crying along with the baby and wishing I had somewhere to escape to. I didn’t know you could be that exhausted and still breathing! I don’t have any words of advice except to say that it does end eventually – I can’t even tell you how or why I just know one day she did start to sleep (when she was around two). Thinking of you and hoping it eases soon.
A nearly 40-year-old married mum of three kids can always drive to Athelstone for a shoulder and some empathy. I have walked in your shoes – your exact shoes and I truly can relate.
And as I type this, I realise I haven’t been woken by anyone apart from Andrew’s snoring for ages….
xxx
Purest form of torture ever is sleep deprivation. My son would have been lucky to sleep through on five separate occasions for the entire year of 2011. No exaggeration. I thought I would go insane and was often found curled in a ball of hopelessness and tears. This year its suddenly stopped and I have no idea why. Age thing? Safety thing? Couldn’t tell you and besides, what works for one child doesnt always another.
All I will say is that from the moon and back know you are not alone and that many share your pain. Hope that helps somehow in the slightest (probably not, when you are so freaking tired!!) but definitely know the feelings you have described oh so well xx
Oh I do feel for you. I haven’t had this exact situation, but sleep deprivation is a real bitch and feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We’re just coming out of a particularly difficult toddler phase, so stay strong and it will end. Good luck!
Missy A was a monster as far as sleep was concerned. She is through it now at just 2 years. She used to disturb her brother and then he was a monster… and I was already a monster because I lacked sleep and it all got very black. All of a sudden one day the fog cleared.
Sweetheart. I am done broke, and I do not know if the pieces will ever properly go back together again.
Love love to you XXXX
Oh God darling, I feel your exhaustion. I have been there. I have had the same urge to get in the car and drive. Anywhere. Far, far away. Hopefully by writing it down and sharing and getting some love and reassurance you have purged some of it from your system. And hopefully you have had some sleep. Do know you are not alone. It will get better. And consider asking someone you trust or even paying a babysitter for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep. Everything is better with sleep. xoxo