When someone you care about dies you go through many stages of grief. Disbelief, anger and immeasurable sadness. Then you feel more anger in the pit of your soul. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s simply not fucking right. Guilt creeps in. We should’ve made that coffee date happen. Why did I miss that party? We never went for that walk together. You feel shame for missed opportunities and taking life for granted.
The anger builds up so much and weaves through the sadness and starts to suffocate you. You feel so overwhelmed by the bitterness that you push it from you you, lock it away and run. You run so fast you try and pretend that it didn’t happen. That the person you long for is still alive…somewhere.
You dig into your memory bank and slowly replace the spitefulness at the world with snippets of joy. You remember moments when you least expect them. Walking home from work. Getting your haircut. Washing the kids’ hair. Reaching to get milk out of the fridge in the supermarket. As each day passes you push the fact that they died further and further away for fear the reality will eat you up. And then out of nowhere, up pops their smiling face. You see them standing in a crowd or you look for them at the school gate or crane your neck over a fence thinking you heard them. People start to look like them. And for fleeting moments you let yourself believe that are have not gone away, that they are still with you.
This refusal to let them go keeps you going for awhile until you remember that are not coming back and then you miss them. You long to have one more bear hug. You wish for one more cheeky comment and guttural laugh. You wish to see that sparkle in their eyes. You long to see the Facebook photos of their lazy days spent with their family, playing tunes and dancing.
They have not gone on holidays, like you’ve been tricking yourself to believe. You go back over old posts and fill your mind with images and words that were shared. You sob when your new phone wipes all your old text messages.
While you’d tricked yourself into thinking they would be coming home, you’d been storing up things to tell them. Who will I tell these things too, things that only they’d get? You feel that anger rising and you don’t want to feel that anymore. You don’t want that emotion to be the one you feel whenever you think of your friend. You don’t want it to be sadness either. Instead, you want to feel close to them and remember how they made you feel when you were with them.
You start telling them stuff. You say it in your head, in the hope that they can somehow hear you. Little things like: “Hey, I listened to the new Alabama Shakes album today, I reckon you’d love it.” or “OMG did you see that hilarious story on the Daily Mail?” or “I went to that new hipster coffee shop on Goody road, it’s got delicious brownies”. It makes you feel closer to them, but it’s not anything like the real thing.
And then you see one of their gorgeous children in class with one your girls and they are dancing together. Their smiles are wide and look so very happy. And they are doing all the actions so beautifully and you want to shout into the universe. “Can you see them honey? Can you see? Look how cute they are. Look at our babies.” You want to kick the ground and pull down the sky and reach right into the depths of the world and pull her back to us so she can be standing right there next to me, smiles on our faces, watching our babies dance together. And you can’t.
Now, I whisper when I see her face: “I miss you, please come back now”.
This is my message board to you my friend. And today my message is short. “I saw your babies at the park with your amazing girlfriends they were playing in the sandpit and patting a cute dog. They were smiling. Your friends are doing an amazing job and that husband of yours, man he is a good man, but you knew that. We all miss you so very much.”
Have you got a message for someone? You can leave it here.
This can be our message board of love.
Darling, I want you to come back and jump on the trampoline with your nieces and hit golf balls with Bearhands and tease me mercilessly.
I miss you.
Big hugs xxx
Oh man, that was incredibly beautiful. I felt that deep to my core, a friend is in her final days and will leave behind 3 children…I hope to see them smiling and dancing. X
The 12th anniversary of my mother’s death has just passed…I talk to her like that every day. And this weekend, I’m heading to Adelaide to spend a day with a very dear friend who I feel is not gong to be with us much longer. Sitting here with tears for them both. x
So I saw my mother on the weekend and while I held my tears inside parts of me missed her lots….it’s been 6 months since she told us to get out of her life….so I stayed back but saw her from a distance in amongst a crowd of people for a whole day….grieving yes, but she is still here amoungst us just a big wall of bad words and broken trust lay slayed in front of me and between us. No healing was had…not this time. Why can’t we love them more when they are with us….
I understand this grief my lovely, and it is just as raw and awful. And tinged with hope.
So you cycle through the stages over and over again and it feels like it will never end and no one will understand.
But I understand. And I am sending you strength x
Oh Chrissy, I have this with my own Mother, I am sorry and sending you love xx
Things I’d say to my sister if I could-
I miss you terribly. I’m sorry I let your boys down. I wish I’d been a better sister. Could you hear me talking to you while you were in hospital? Could you feel me holding your hand until the end. I hope you know you weren’t alone, we were all there, loving you right to the very end. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I’ve said these words a million times in my head since she’s been gone so I hope they’ve reached her.
I want to leave a message for my darling sister in law, who was taken from us in February last year. I miss her so much, and I know her brother misses her more than he will ever say. We wish you were here, on one of those mad dash holidays from England, laughing and being with us, eating too much food and cheese and wine – remembering the things that pass us by in our everyday life but stand out to those who visit. Then of course we would miss you when you went back home – but there would be phone calls and emails and parcels, and we would visit you of course. I wonder how much my daughter is really like her aunty and I wish you were here to check!! I wonder how much my son is really like the way my husband was at his age – and you were old enough to remember Al then. So many questions that won’t be asked or answered. I just wish you were here, even if here means on the other side of the globe!
I’m so very lucky that I have no one to leave a message for, so I will leave one for you. I adore you, B. x
my darling Gordie, I think of you all the time, but with more restraint now, given the passing years. I miss all the little things we shared a look, a smile, finishing each other’s sentences.
I wish you could see our beautiful, big and small, grand babies. Is Jett really like you were at the same age or is that my imagination and wishful thinking??? Am I holding on to you by thinking that? Probably !! But you were part of the reason I am the person I am today.
Always and Forever My Love xxx
I so want to leave a message, but I can’t, I’m crying so much.
How do you know my heart so well?
I miss you so so so much. I’m sorry I was in such denial whilst you were being realistic and planning for the inevitable. I cant stand that you allowed me to be that way in order to protect ME, when I should have been supporting you and your thoughts and feelings and helping you prepare to die. I hate that you did that alone! I’m sorry it took for you to go, for me to realise how absolutely incredible you were. I wish your baby had her mummy – this is quite possibly the most painful part. I hope and pray you are somewhere happy with your sister and not existing in misery like I fear, awaiting the long wait for your family to join you. It’s so painful here without you, and I’m sorry I’m not living life like I should be given what I have seen and experienced. I hope you’re ok. Love you x
(I’ve been needing to “say” these words…thanks for the opportunity Bianca. X)
I miss too many, to Eleanor, we all miss you. It’s just not the same without you. To Peter John, I still don’t understand but I have hope you are happy with your choice, I miss you, I love you and I wish things were different. To my darling Nanny with the hat, oh how my kids would love you, I so wish you had the chance to meet. Please watch over them. and to my Mother, I miss the memory of you. What a shame your choices have created this.
Thank you xxx
Stunning piece of writing, Bianca, under such sad circumstances. I felt that post deeply and get a sense of your connection through your words. I am sorry for your loss. I lost someone very dear to me recently. It’s very raw still but I was glad to have the opportunity to say goodbye. There are two things about death that are hard to reconcile. It’s final. And it’s fucking sad. And people need to remember there is no expiry date on grief. Xxx
Did my previous comment make it?
Sured did. It was beautiful thank you xxxxx
It’s been 12 years now. There’s a photo of you I see everyday. The other night as I lay in bed I cried as I thought of you. It was strange as I haven’t done that for years. I wish you could meet my children and husband. I dreamed we were texting each other the other night. I love you xox
This made me well up 🙁
I miss her every day too. I don’t get to see her babes or walk the streets that she did, but I listen to music and talk to her.
I hope as time passes, your heart will sing watching her babes become confident little people. Thank you for being such a great friend to her littles and Keith.
So beautiful and powerful. Going to squish the crap out of any friend I next see!
What a beautiful, beautiful post Bianca. We lost someone very dear to us about 4 years ago and it is amazing how often I see someone in the street and I catch my breath as it looks so much like her. Big hugs to you x
Nick, I see, hear, feel you everywhere. Even though I wasn’t there at the end, and I wasn’t there to see you finally at peace, please know you have never left my heart. My world is a lesser place without you in it x