I’m convinced I was a yo-yo in a past life. I mean it, not even a super rad Coca-Cola Limited Edition Gold Plated one, but a stupid red plastic yo-yo you get from the $2 shop. The reason I know this is because I am still displaying characteristics of a yo-yo (and I am not referring to going down). What I’m talking about is my weight.
I know I just need to go walk the dog (we don’t have a dog, I am referring to myself), but instead I just sit around on my big fat bum, eating cheese and drinking wine. I get on the scales every morning to give myself even more of a reason to wallow and then I go straight to the fridge and eat more crap food. It is such a ridiculous bullshit cycle of self sabotage.
Recently, I lost 12 kilos. I was inching closer to my goal weight. I was so proud of myself. I was feeling fabulous, fit and enjoying my new found love of clothes again. Then it happened. As soon as I started basking in the glory, I started getting lazy. Before I knew it, I’d put on a few kilos. I was grumpy yet still in denial. “I’ll lose it next week, ” I told myself for two months.
Then I set another empty goal – to lose five kilos by the Digital Parents Blogging Conference in Melbourne. I wanted to get back that wonderful glow that comes with healthy eating and exercise. That glow you get when you slip on your jeans and you think you look good in them. I lost two kilos and then quick smart put back on another five. I am now edging closer to a weight I vowed I’d never get to again. I feel so angry at myself. I feel ashamed at my lack of resolve.
When I walk into the conference next week, I will once again be tugging at my shirt to cover my belly. I’ll go to the dinner dance and feel flabby and uncomfortable in my oversized dress and I will be engaged in an internal dialogue of self attack.
Next week I will be standing in a room of accomplished, wonderful women who I regard as my friends, some I’ve met numerous times, some I’ve never met face-to-face. We’ve seen each other’s avatars; photos taken from the best angle, then altered with filters. I don’t think I look like my photos on Facebook or Twitter – I only put up photos which I think hide my self-loathed bits. I stretch my neck out or tip my face to the side to look skinnier or younger.
I need you to know people out there who I’ll meet for the first time, that I am rounder and older than may photos may suggest. And while I was feeling fabulous about attending the event a few months back, when I was looking the best I had in years, now I am not as confident about it all. I will smile and laugh and probably drink too many wines. You might think I’m funny and confident, but in reality I will be embarrassed about my body and will be hiding my insecurities.
You also need to know that my body image issues are a long running problem of mine, but don’t define me as a person. It doesn’t change me professionally or alter my mothering style. Body image insecurities aside I am a strong, independent woman who will look you in the eye and smile when we meet. Who knows that everyone in that room will have at least one thing they worry about and therefore I know I am not alone – that we are in the same boat.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, remember when you are feeling nervous or shy or worried what others think of you, try not to. Even the most self assured people there are nervous in same way. Be brave and know we are all there to share our experiences and learn from each other. We are bloggers for god’s sake – that’s what we do. We put our fears and worries and pasts and loves and fears and dreams and insecurities out there for all to read. If there is one room where we should all feel safe and accepted and feee of judgement it should be next week in Melbourne.
Please come and say hi, I’d love to meet you if I haven’t already. And when the music starts at the end of the night, kick off your shoes, push aside your barriers and dance. Dance with reckless abandon.
Are you attending the DPCON next week?
I was talking to All Consuming about this. We call it smug eating. The eating you do when you reach a goal.
I can’t wait to meet you in person…finally. I look a whole lot more tired than I do in my photos.
Love & stuff
Awesome post! I know all about the feeling overweight, flabby and disgusting in a crowd of successful people – whether or not reality matched my perspective. Good on you for being confident and encouraging fellow attendees to do the same.
When do you arrive for the conference? Would you like to join me and a group of lovely bloggers on Thursday for dinner before #DPDrinks? I think the more the merrier ;o)
I love you. No, I really, really do. You’re so honest. It’s refreshing. And you just know how to pull punches with the words.
It’s like a superpower when you realise that everyone is worried about their own bits. And it makes you realise that you can move on from that. Because we’re all exactly the same.
Yes, we are.
Have an awesome time at the DPC. Wish I was going so I could meet you in person! xx
I’m going!! and I’m bringing my shiny new 11kg with me…
F@#K we women are our own worst enemies. That you even have to think about this shit is doing my head in. Just get in there and enjoy yourself and wobble to your heart’s content, B. If people give two hoots what a remarkable soul like you looks like then they are the ones who should be feeling self-conscious and insecure.
You rock and you will rock. x
Gorgeous as always, Bianca. Gorgeous words, but gorgeous you, too. You might *feel* like that next week but if I was in the same room I’d be dazzled by your beauty, because although not everyone would agree with me, personality is what makes someone beautiful or not. And yours is stunning. xo
Oh, Cate! That is fantastic! xo
the crazy thing is… I bet more than half the people at DPcon will be feeling exactly the same way… I know I will be. Wishing I’d found that love of running people talk about… wishing I had thinner armpits…. wishing I could at least fake being confident a little better….
So please know that if I don’t come and say hi… it will be because I am being shouted down by that little voice in my own head telling me I look as crap as I feel….
But lets hope we both get over our outsides and have some fun!
want to know something strange?
regardless of what number the scales throws up when you step on it, every time you step off it, you’re just as beautiful, perhaps even more beautiful, than when you stepped on it.
numbers are numbers, beauty is constant and beauty is the sum of our insides & outsides and yours dear Bianca are gorgeous, never forget that.
Hello, Yo-yo here too! I can totally relate to this… and especially the bit about it not defining me or change the fact that I’m a strong independent woman. You’ve articulated that so well. I’ll be there next week, trying to walk fearlessly. I’ll be accepting everyone warmly and hope that is the same spirit extended to me as well. I look forward to meeting you.
Well I do know you and I think those photos are just you with beautiful lipstick on. You’re wonderful and beautiful B. have a great time xxx
I am still the same size…ie short n fat….and O L D E R…and methinks the oldest blogger. BUT B, and the lovelies I see below, I am coming because I don’t want to miss out on seeing some of you again, and meeting new people. B, you were on my table last year. I’ve loved you since then, and didn’t you win the ticket …so, you are one person I want that special hug from…and you Kate Pickle..please don’t be shy. I’ve met you twice…
However, I am so NOT Pollyanna…as I cannot for the life of me settle on something to wear for the MyBlog My Story segment. How did I know when I made my submission I was going to be filmed. Thanks to that knowledge (found out a week or so ago) I cannot make my mind up, and will do a disappearing act at sometime through the day to change. …Honestly, we are already friends….on-line and off, and it ‘shouldn’t matter’ but yet it does. Female thing?
Me and you both lovely girl. Me and you both. I will sink too many wines with you for all the same reasons. xxx
What a beautiful charmingly honest post. I wanted to meet you before but now I really want to meet you. Hopefully I suss you out. Here’s to a buzzing conference with buzzing attendees xx
Oh mate. You might worry about your outsides, but we sure as hell don’t xx
So if your a yo-yo can you do cool tricks? I bet you can…….but seriously I know how you feel, I am heavier than I have ever been in my whole life BUT I am also healthier. My eating habits are much better now than ever before & I can feel it on the inside. I definatly should exercise but hey I cant be perfect right?
You my lovely blogging lady should not be worried about what others think of you, their thoughts should not matter but as woman this is the fucked up thing we do to ourselves ! I also get the sabotage thing, I do it too & its nuts, so nuts I want to punch myself when I do it BUT I do not want to define myself by weight or clothing size anymore, I just dont! Be like me B & concentrate on health not size. If your feeling sluggish try cutting out one of the things that are “bad” or do what I have been doing & start on the green smoothies ( they make you feel super healthy & seem to crave less sugar, who knows maybe thats in my head) but dont get hung up on your size because the people who matter, really matter, dont give a shit about it.
I will be dancing with reckless abandon with you – tuckshop arms in the air x
I LOVE that!! And it’s exactly what I do… lose a kilo? Celebrate with cake!
I could have written this (well, probably not as eloquently, but you get what I mean). I struggle with my self image every time I leave the house. And I like you, I am great at losing the weight… keeping it off? Uh, not so much.
But I have learned, through experience and AGE, that nobody really cares. Especially at events like this, where we are all there in pursuit of a common goal; sharing, laughing, enjoying each other. I promise you, no-one will notice those bits you aren’t happy with – they will be too busy wanting to down wines and dance with you instead!
Whatever goes on inside your head, you sure as hell didn’t display it when I met you. I thought you were confident, self assured … and absolutely gorgeous! And here I was wishing I had just a fraction of what you had “I’ll have what she’s having”. Well, it WAS breakfast!
I’ll be tracking you down next Friday to chat evil Editors! xx
I saw you on the Today show when you were bearing it all (Kinda) and that didn’t put me off one bit. I admire your ability to share how you feel, even if you’re not feeling fab. You’re right too, we’re all coming with our own hung ups of sorts.
Bianca, you have such a presence about you – it’ll no doubt be a magnet for people so be warned 🙂 We are our own worst enemies mate, just be proud of the person you are xx
I think you are hot, inside and out. Believe me, I do not see what you see xx
Ummm, I could’ve written this too! Up, down, up, down and I feel really, really embarrassed because the whole reason I started blogging was to help me lose weight. I thought putting it out there would keep me accountable and would guarantee success. I lost 3 kilos and nothing else, since May last year. Now I just write about my kids!
I have bingo wings, at least two chins, and more dimples on my bum than most babies but I always remember what my Nan said – “smile, they can’t look at both ends at once….”
What I also keep in mind is when I meet people I don’t think about their looks so why would they be judging mine?
So looking forward to next week! So many wonderful women in the one place. Bliss.
Ok well I’m a size ten and I still stress about my weight and worry and obsess of food, so I am in no way a good example of a healthy self image.
I’m scared I won’t recognise people at all at the conference! Or I won’t know their names! So just so you know I’m Jess, I write at diary of a SAHM, I stalk your blog occassionally (no where near enough) and ill be wearing a purple top. Can we be friends? 😉
I know I’ve put on weight since last time I saw everyone, but hey, that’s life. I’ve bought some new clothes and accessories and I’ll be fine. Well, mostly… 🙂
I’ll see you there!
I really really get this. I have the same fear and it’s really killing the happiness vibes 🙁
Can’t wait to meet you, I’ll be the other one downing too many wines so I can build up the confidence to not worry about my multiple chins and crooked teeth and feeling so much older than everyone else and like a total amateur.
Oh I *wish* I was going to the DPCON next week, Bianca! I would love to meet you in person. And Melbourne is such an awesome place; every time I go there I have a blast!
Everyone will have the same fears and worries – I know I do at when I’ve been to other things like DPCON too. Just relax and have fun – and make sure you post and tell us all about it!
You know I love you right. I don’t see what you see. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you help me be me… and that’s not always easy.
Can’t wait to see you again. xxx
If only looks weren’t so important to people. Then you wouldn’t have to worry what others Think of you.
But they shouldn’t think anything other than you are funny, smart, kind and beautiful.