Our family has a new member, its name is Asthma. It’s a real bitch, but we will do what we can to keep the peace. You know it’s like that dodgy family member who always outstays their welcome, but you can’t get rid of them. You’ve just got to hope they don’t visit too often.
Along with asthma, came our first stay in hospital. Miss 4 and I had a “special two night sleepover”. Not that there was much sleeping what with me in protective mother overdrive mode and of course, the regular nurse visits to check Miss 4’s oxygen levels and administer medicine. It was a scary time as anyone who has had a sick kid would understand. It was also an introduction to a world that unfortunately we may continue to find ourself from time to time.
So, here’s bigwords’ Guide to Hospital Stays.
1 – If you think you need your phone charger then it’s most probable you will need a change of underwear and pajamas Trust me on this one, sleeping in your jeans is not comfortable and spending the next morning in them is just plain gross. But hey, at least you have a fully charged phone to ring people to let them know you smell a little fishy.
2 – Do not eat the green jelly. It is that colour for a reason – there is nothing real in it. And definitely do not eat the hotdog wrapped in alfoil or the “mashed potato”. And don’t get food from a nearby takeaway restaurant expecting a higher quality of cuisine. The spring rolls also did not have anything real in them either, unless you count THE LENGTH OF STRING.
3 – Bring headphones and panadol. The first item helps drown out the sounds of other people’s crying children. The second deals with sleep deprivation. These things are usually medicated with wine, but drinking in the children’s ward is like having a bong at a Young Liberal’s convention.
4 – Do brings lots of coins for the vending machines. As evidenced by Number 2, hospital food is not nice. There are times when bbq, salt and vinegar and cheese and onion cover all the major food groups. Coke and Cherry Ripes are just the icing on the “highly-processed, full of additives” cake.
5 – On the topic of cake, do not offer the very skinny teen a chocolate cup cake. She is in hospital for a reason.
6 – Do get people to bring real coffee in with them, as no amount of milk and sugar can make instant coffee taste good. No matter how desperate you are, it is still best to have caffeine withdrawal than drink poo flavoured water.
7 – Do talk with the other parents, it helps you realise you are not alone. And they smell bad too, so you don’t feel so gross.
8 – Do take the time when you are awake with worry to kiss your sleeping child. It will help calm you and give you something to do when all that’s on television is football and the only magazine is one detailing the arrival of Bec Hewitt’s first baby.
9 – Do watch where your child is walking when playing in the communal toy room so as to avoid her stepping in the warm wee of a yet toilet-trained toddler you just met.
10 – Do thank the doctors and nurses – they are amazing people. A-MAZ-ING.
Have you ever had to spend time with your child in hospital? Have you got any handy tips?
the only tip i have is that, when you are 7 months pregnant and on a road trip to Broken Hill, and when your three year old decides to have his FIRST EVER asthma attack, try to have it in a beautiful country town that has just completely refurbished it’s geriatric wing and is using it as their emergency department until their old emergency department is fixed … we had a double room to ourselves, complete with TV and ensuite.
not that having a kid in hospital is ever ‘lucky’, but that was a stroke of luck for sure! but nothing will ever improve hospital food and coffee … xt
Ha Ha! By the way if you never let people know that you are on the nose when your on the phone, they will never guess!
I hope your little girl is OK now, and that the asthma doesn’t rear its ugly head too often.
And yes, what’s with that hospital ‘food’?!
I hope your little is better now, asthma is rotten. We have that in our house too and watching your little one have an attack is awful. No further tips from me but agreeance that doctors and nurses are the best.
OMG – is it terrible that I laughed HARD at #5? Yeah, probably, but I know i’m going to hell anyway, so it’s all good. LOL
Spot on post! I hope your small one is much better now and you won’t be needing to recall this list any time soon.
When my big girl was a very small girl we had a number of one and two night stints in hospital with asthma. She wasn’t even two and it was horrible. My best tip is to pack an overnight bag for your child AND YOU as soon as you call the ambulance or decide you need to go in. Better prepared than not!
My girl seems to have outgrown it now thank goodness, I really hope yours will too.
thankfully the only time I’ve had to spend in hospital with mine was when my eldest got grommits – and I spent so long hiding from everyone else crying that by the time I’d regained my composure she was out of surgery. Silly mummy!
I hope Miss4 is okay now (I know the change of seasons can be a tricky time)
xxxCate
urgh. Hospitals. I hate them. Our eldest boy has asthma and it’s been a bitch. Thankfully he is outgrowing it and now keeps it well under control with inhalers. You have my sympathies. Glad you’re both home now!
what a brilliant post! Poignant. So sorry you’ve had the hospital experience, and I understand about asthma being an asthmatic myself and having had two very sick neice and nephew with asthma. You’ve done really well coping with such a stressful time. Do they think your little girl will grow out of it? Vxx
Poor you and baby big words! I loved your list. It should be included on hospital websites. And the fishy pong is genius. Xx
Wishing all well. Only done a couple of croup dashes in the midnight hours – hope you don’t have too many asthma stays. Post was hilarious – the hospital should circulate for comic relief for other weary stinky parents x
sorry you guys have had a shit time of it. Your tips are genius. My only one was remind your husband to bring you in some slippers, or joggers. They look better than the high heels you came in with and you won’t feel like a tool in your tracksuit and stilettos walking your child to the toilet. Yes, that was me once.
Hope the only time you go back to that place is to visit new babies from now on. xx Bern
Great post. Sorry u had crappy hospital visit. Hate them. Always bring:
1. Baby wipes. Means u can clean yer fishy bits!
2. A blanket. Cos hospitals can be cold at nite & it’s rude to steal off kids beds!
3. Mints – cos yer breath will stink from vending machine garbage!
4. A book. Cos u will be bored outta Yr tits!
Hope that helps lol.
We did three months in the delightful W&C (Newlands) last year with Charlie in full traction (broken femur.) Hence I am in love with Captain Starlight and shudder with horror every time I drive near Kermode Street.
The staff are beyond amazing. But for any parent, it is hell on earth.
I nodded at every word B – humour is the only way to survive it…
Diminishing Lucy: Charlie is poorly.
xx
PS Did you notice that, in the parents room, the TV – the SAME SHOW ON ALL THE TIME. I swear to god, I cannot watch Mythbusters EVER again without being reminded of that smelly room. It always smelled of cup noodles. Hurl.
I wish I’d read this about 18 months ago on our first trip thanks to my son’s lovely bout of croup.
A change of clothes is my only tip, after being projectile vomited on and covered from head to toe in lumpy vegetable bits (shame on me for force feeding him hours before when he appeared fine..) and then had to spend the next few hours in a hospital gown until clothes could be retreived for me from the husband…
I’ve spent an unexpected night in hospital when my oldest swallowed a coin that got stuck halfway down. by morning it had worked its way into the stomach so we were sent home. Whew! My tips? Sleep as much as you can; don’t eat the food; (congratulate yourself the next day on sticking to the diet you didn’t know you were on); always carry the book you are currently reading everywhere you go.
Brilliant list – I hope you don’t have to use it yourself too often.
So very very true, and funny, and scary!
Brilliant post! Hope you don’t need to use it again in a hurry x
the coffee thing is NUMBER ONE.
Oh and don’t report the parents beating their child to the nurse when you have NO FREAKING IDEA about Cystic Fibrosis.
Brilliant post, makes a difficult situation funny and slightly easier to handle. I hope your daughter’s OK and you’ve managed to have a good shower. And wash those jeans…
Touch wood Emily has not been to hospital but I loved your guide especially about the coffee. Humour is the best medicine as they say. Brilliant post.
Love your hilarious take on what is not a hilarious situation. Always steer clear of the bad coffee and questionable jelly. And Bec Hewitt xo
Have I spent time with my child in hospital? hhhmmmmm. Going to avoid that question…
Your guide is gorgeous. Sad and funny and awww and really gorgeous. Poo flavoured water, though? And the cupcake offering? Oh, hon! Can just picture it…
hello there,
We have asthma living with us too! Our eldest has suffered for the last ten years (poor might!) I have spent many a night on the floor of a children’s ward wishing I had remembered to stuff earplugs and paracetamol in my bag!!!!!! I agree also that real tea/coffee is the nectar of the Gods and unfortunately hospital brown liquids are tasteless and bitter!
I wish you and your small person well
🙂
We ended up in hospital when Monkey Boy was 4 weeks old with bronchiolitis. In the whole of Belle’s 5 years she’d hardly even been to the doctor so it was a totally new experience. I say always keep a spare set of clothes in the car and the charger in your handbag. It never actually occurred to me that we’d be staying in hospital when we left home. When people are bringing in real coffee get them to bring real food too. And, I was horrified that I wasn’t allowed hot drinks in the children’s ward. I understand why but considering the level of coffee consumption under the circumstances it sucked that I had to leave Monkey Boy every time I needed a top up. Also, see if you can get nurses to check obs when the kid’s awake when possible! Just as Monkey Boy would go to sleep they would wake him to take temps etc. Have to love the nurses who were willing to do it 5 or 10 minutes earlier knowing that we were getting next to no sleep as it was.
We’re still waiting to see what happens with asthma… everyone told me that if he got bronchiolitis so young that asthma was a given. So far, so good… one cold a few weeks ago and no asthma-y type symptoms yet.
I hope this is visitor comes rarely and leaves quickly for you.