The glass of wine just sat there on the kitchen bench. It was taunting me. It was looking all delicious-like and winking at me. It was yelling: “DRINK ME I’M ALL DELICIOUS-LIKE”.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear it teasing me because my children were yelling even louder than the just poured, full bodied Barossa Shiraz. I’d poured it, under the impression that my motherly duties for the night had neared an end. My kids were in pajamas, the tv in their room was on, the lights dimmed and the warning to “not leave the bedroom” had been issued.
I’d poured that glass of wine and ducked out of the room to put on my tracksuit pants and remove my bra. I’d popped some day-old curry in the microwave. I’d put some bad reality television show about WAGs and their inability to speak a sentence without mentioning the phrase: “It’s always important to go out wearing your best fake boobs”, on the telly. I was on, what parents around the world call, the home stretch.
And then it happened. Miss H needed a nappy change. And then promptly, did another poo. She likes a clean nappy to shit in. So, then Miss H needed another nappy change. Miss E needed someone to wipe her bum. Oh, and she also needed “someone” to remove the Pet Shop toy she’d dropped in the toilet bowl. It was sitting proudly on a nugget. It was also taunting me. It was saying: “You will never get to drink that wine”. Then Miss L decided, while I was running through the house with said stinky Pet Shop toy, that she was STARVING and needing something to eat. I offered her a poo sandwich. She was not interested and her head started spinning around like the exorcist. This of course, meant the others also needed something to eat. Then the phone rang, I couldn’t hear what the annoying sales person was saying. All I could hear was: “Would you like to upgrade to our GLASS OF WINE package?”. No. I just want to sit on the couch by myself, drinking my glass of wine and eating my curry.
It was twenty minutes until I got to do that. Twenty minutes that I was taunted by that glass of wine. Actually I lie. It was 21 minutes, because as soon as I sat down and reached for my wine, all three children came running in like tiny vultures swarming around me. I think it was at that moment I displayed my best A1 Mum behaviour and yelled: “For fucks sake GO TO BED. FUUUUUCCKKK.”
Surprisingly, they did. And finally I got to down that wine. And it was delicious. So was the second glass and the third. I like to have one for each child.
Does your wine or cup of tea, reheated over and over, ever taunt you or is it just me who thinks her refreshments talk to her?
bigwords x
Haha! I’ve lost count of the number of cold Milos and flat Cokes I’ve downed. They don’t taunt me – they just snicker when I take that first horrible sip.
Oh god, I know that one well. Last night it took me over 2 hours to settle little miss teething/snotty nose 10mo (thankfully the big one went to sleep with no fuss). In the end I got so fed up I took a glass of wine in to her room and drank it as I patted her to sleep singing “Oh please for the love of god go to fluffing sleep” to the tune of twinkle twinkle.
Please god it doesn’t happen again tonight!
If I had to love by your one child per glass rule, I would have half a dozen kids!
Thankfully I rarely have that issue at home with the Averages however I do have a similar issue at work. I work in a school and very much look forward to my school dinner come lunch time (well, wine isnt allowed). However I have now started to eat salads and sandwiches as a hot lunch could be heard calling me from the front playground. I normally grab my lunch and (if I want peace from the 500 children) head back towards my office. You can bet your life the moment I sit down a member of staff comes in and requests my assistance or starts a conversation with, “I know you are eating your lunch, but….”. My dinner calls to me (mainly to tell me how cold it is)……
I’ve been taunted quite often by the extra dessert I’d stashed in the fridge behind bowls of leftovers, just waiting for me to enjoy it once the kids were soundly asleep.
I saw a sign once, not long ago, that said “having children is like being pecked to death by chickens”. Not a truer word has been writ.
I read that last line (…….fuuuuuuuuck) with such relief. To know I’m not the only one to lose my shit and swear at my kids. When it happens, I swear DHS are going to bust down my front door and take them all away because I’m such a bad mother.
I feel validated! Thankyou.
And yes, the wine, latte, tea all talk to me (and I to them).
I clearly need to have more children so that I can have more than two glasses of wine. 😉 I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who is an A1 mum. This was hilarious: “Would you like to upgrade to our GLASS OF WINE package?” Thanks for this, it made my day.
Right now I am laughing so hard I am nearly falling off my chair. I am pretty sure that the neighbors wonder how my kids will ever survive considering I lose my shit and yell like that at least once a day.
Well, now you mention it … yes. The buggers! Usually I just drink them anyway to shut them up. And I am laughing pretty hard too right now.
All. The. Time! I love that sometimes it takes swearing to let them know that you mean business!
Yep, my coffee talks to me all the time – or the tea I try to have each afternoon in the vain attempt to hide for a few minutes on my own. Sadly, the talking child is louder than the beverage every single time! Kids, man. 🙂 x