I must apologise for my lack of blogging, but this week I started weight loss guru, Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation program and to put it simply I AM SO HUNGRY AND EXHAUSTED I CAN NOT TYPE. My brain has only just enough energy to look after my three children (who are all sick, covered in snot and are not sleeping) and to print off the mountains of exercise and meal plans required to do this weight loss program.

I must also apologise for not including in this post my starting body measurements or my “before” photo as I was so shocked by seeing my half-naked self and seeing how wide my arse is that I decided I do not need any extra humiliation to spur me on. As Oprah would say: “I had my ah-huh moment”. In my case it was more like a: “Who the fuck is that huge woman in that photo and why is she wearing those ghastly bathers?” moment.

Here’s a few things I’ve learned this week:

1) Do not ask your husband to help you with your body measurements. He will get distracted by your boobs.

2) You must always look your worst in your “before” photo so you can look at it when you feel like eating a dark chocolate Cherry Ripe and a bag of hot chips.

3) You must clear out all booze from your house and not walk past the bottle shop when doing the kindy run so you don’t feel the urge to stash cans of bourbon and coke in the pram and skull them on the way home so your husband doesn’t find out. Same goes for bakeries and chocolate donuts.

4) When you go for your first walk and attempt to jog for part of it, make sure you have a sports bra which actually fits you and wasn’t purchased when you were 10 kilos lighter. This would avoid having to hold your boobs while stumbling along the road, puffing and sweating like an old PR executive attempting to get all jiggy with the young journos at a Christmas Party. Also make sure your pants don’t go up your arse, leaving you struggling to pull wedgies out of your bottom while attempting to simultaneously hold your boobs.

5) Don’t be disheartened when you can not even do one sit-up. That’s what recliner chairs are for anyway.

6) No matter how hard I’ve tried, tracksuit pants and runners are not sexy, nor are they cool, and wearing them all day in case you get the urge to do additional exercise does not work. Soon you will start wearing puffer vests in case you get the urge to buy a four wheel drive and talk loudly at the school gate about your children’s new Swedish tennis coach.

7) And finally, going to bed at 8pm might take away the urge for late night snacks and make the days go faster, but it also shortens the time between killer work-outs and cardboard-tasting couscous and apple breakfast surprises.

I am now half-a-week into my 12-week program. I am one kilo down. I am going to smash this out of the park. And when I do, I promise I’ll post that “before” photo right next to my new “after” photo.

Are you doing, or have you done the 12wbt program? Have you lost weight before? Do you have any tips for me to keep motivated?