Whenever there’s stories in the media about men suffering from depression, quite often there are comparisons with women and statements like the following made: “Women don’t suffer in silence as they talk so much more about their feelings than men”. I don’t think that is necessarily true. In fact, I know it’s not. This isn’t a blog post about who suffers more of less. This is not a battle of the depressive sexes. This is an observation I have recently made about myself. And I know there are many other women also like me. So many women quietly going about their days, not reaching out.
When I was younger I would talk to anyone about my feelings. If I was sad, or struggling with something, I would tell someone. It was normal to spend Friday nights propped up at a bar somewhere, beer in hand, dissecting my and my girlfriends’ lives. I had lots of friends from different walks of life who I would see at regular intervals depending on my moods and needs. There were work friends, uni friends, high school friends and even a few friends from my primary school days. I do believe we all talked a lot, all of the time. The debrief was a regular event.
I’m lucky, I have an amazingly supportive, hands-on husband who I share a lot, but he’s not a woman and sometimes I want to talk about him, not to him! As I grow older, my friendships change. The number of people I see regularly has dramatically declined. The time I get out of the house, without my three children in tow is minimal. The time I spend talking to others about my feelings or struggles or hopes has diminished. Partly, I believe that is why I’ve taken to blogging, but even then there’s things I do not want everyone to read. And when I do get time to myself I either want to see a movie or spend time with a friend laughing, not complaining.
I still see my girlfriends, but many of them also have children or, if they don’t, I generally have my children with me. Anyone who has kids, or has friends with kids, know it is virtually impossible to carry-on a conversation from the beginning to end without interruptions. Children are not conducive to deep and meaningful discussions. And to be honest with you, I always find it easier to open up after I’ve had a couple of wines and you can’t do that when you have to bundle three kids into the car and drive them home.
I am so busy just getting through the day. Kindy drop-offs, freelance work, cleaning, you know the deal. It really doesn’t leave much time to call someone on the phone for a long chat, as us women are apparently meant to be doing all the time. I do believe as my kids get older and start school that I will once again find those moments to spend quality time catching up with girlfriends and the floodgates will open. I will once again over share. And I hope others over share with me.
What I would like to see is a recognition that women at home with small children and those at home without them, yet surrounded by people who are, are most probably not talking as much as some people believe; that they are feeling isolated and alone. That depression among women is probably much higher than people admit.
I am not depressed, but I have my share of lows. I am also not the wonder woman some friends have labeled me. Not in those exact words, but many have made passing comments lately about how I take things in my stride, how I make parenting look easy. “How do you do everything that you do?” I’ve been asked a lot of late and it makes me uneasy. My answer is always the same. I smile and say: “Oh man, I have no idea. I’m not that special there’s a lot of people who do a lot more than me” and then I change the subject. But I do know. I don’t do anything well – just a lot of mediocre. I struggle a lot. I don’t spend much time with other people except my family. I cry quietly when no-one is looking. I hold my face in my hands over the steering wheel while my kids scream in the back seat and I wonder how I will get through the day without rolling into the foetal position. Although I am lonely at times, I am not alone. I know many other mothers going through exactly the same frustrations. I just don’t talk about it with anyone. As they don’t.
I recognise the facial expressions of other mums who are having a tough time of it, I try to ask if all is ok, but as quickly the question comes out the kids rush into the room and distract us. The time passes.
So, mothers out there vent away. This is a safe place. We can read each other’s comments while our kids are asleep. We can reach out to each other and know that we are not alone, that we are all at times trapped in our domesticity. That while we no longer have the luxury of time to chin wag with our friends, those times will come again. We may have to teach ourselves how to open up again, but it won’t take long.
Leave a comment if you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear how you’re coping.
If you do think you are suffering depression then today is the day to reach out for help. Please click on this link to Beyond Blue, your happiness is important.
If you do think you are suffering depression then today is the day to reach out for help. Please click on this link to Beyond Blue, your happiness is important.
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
This was wonderful post. Completely spoke to me.
This is amazing, YOU are amazing! It will reach out and speak volumes to so many who feel the same. I dont so often feel tired these days but “defeated” and I know its not meant to be this way. Sometimes the world and all its seemingly equally important demands on you are a tad overwhelming… You dont know what to do first, and in any case, as you say it all only gets mediocre attention in the end. And as a (hopefully reforming) perfectionist I try not to let that eat away at me.
Thanks again for shedding some light into the crazy world we live. As always, love your work Big Words!
As a woman who is depressed can I just say you’ve hit the nail on the head? With two kids under five I barely have enough time to sleep let alone talk about my feelings!
No one likes to admit that they’re not coping because we fear the judgement and let mentell you it’s there! I’ve heard women make judgements on others who’ve left their child’s bedside during a looooooong hospital stay – how dare you go out for a coffee! I wOuldnt be able to leave my baby in hosPital when the reality is they have no idea what it’s like to have to do just that every day for months!
I’ve even had a MAN ask me why at six months my daughter wasn’t still breastfed. I CHOOSE SANITY!
PEOPLE need to be more supportive of each other and make it safe to discuss our lives.
What a wonderful post. My kids are older now, but I remember those days, and the comments on how I made it all seem so easy… yep, so easy I bottled everything up. Cried quietly in the hall way, where the kids could’t see me, then painted on a smile and onwards we went.
Worked so well (ha!) for so many years… until last year when a few things happened all at once, and I found myself sobbing in my GP’s office. Anxiety, depression, the black dog, call it what you will, I finally realised I needed some help and that needing the help – asking for it – was not a failure on my part.
One mental health plan and a number of sessions with a psychologist later I have skills to deal with the stress, the anxiety. I can pat the black dog at my feet as it slumbers, and know I am not alone.
Thank you for this post. xxx
You are right, it is so hard to have a meaningful conversation with
anyone in real life. For some of us, it’s hard to even find anyone you
would want to have such a conversation with. That’s why I started to blog. There was noone else to talk to, other than paid mental health professionals. “Friends” will listen to a point, but after a while they get bored…. really…!
I rencently asked my readers to tell me about themselves and a lot of them told me that they read blogs to connect with others and they write blogs to get all the stuff out of their heads, so it seems that in the blogosphere at least we have found a way to air our feelings, even if we can’t do it in real life.
Very insightful post, Bianca!
I know exactly what you mean. I don’t open up to people because of either lack of time, lack of closeness or realistically their general lack of ability to help. Not they are not well intentioned, not at all.
But hearing things like, it will get better or how about a trip to the movies, when I’m in the middle of a ‘moment’ sounds nothing but condescending, trite and trivialising the issue. I know they mean well but they have picked the wrong moment to say those things.
I am brutally honest with myself but I don’t feel comfortable being that brutally honest with others. I know where my baggage. Tucked away nicely. One day if I’m brave enough I’ll open it up for others to see.
Two years ago I wrote a post on my blog about disappointment. I was pretty vague about what was wrong but just spoke about disappointment in general. Most of my friends were a little alarmed at the tone of the post and were worried. I confided in 2 people (one being my husband) about the actual cause of the disappointment. And while both were supportive in every way imaginable they didn’t quite understand my distress. It didn’t matter which way I said it, they understood the words coming out of my mouth, but not the sentiment. That actually made me feel more alone.
And for me even if I know that there are others out there suffering the same as me, it doesn’t make me feel better to know that I’m not alone. Because my issue still remains.
I can see how this reads. I’m being difficult I know. I’m not ignoring my ‘stuff’. Just working out on my own terms.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Your timing is immaculate. This is precisely how I feel today. Precisely. And there must be many others at any given moment too.
Thank you.
Beautiful post Bianca.
As some people know my next book, a collaborative effort called ‘Beyond the Baby Blues’ (out Sept 2011) is about perinatal depression anxiety and depression. One of the things we try is to do in the book is challenge the myth that motherhood is always a blissful time. Women, even when not clinically depressed, are often ashamed to admit they are not loving it, that they feel isolated and sometimes unfulfilled. Blogging is one way of reaching out and connecting with others, and that can only be a good thing.
For anyone who knows a woman whom they feel may be sufferring depression before or after childbirth PANDA has an excellent helpline. http://www.panda.org.au/
I could relate to practically every thing in that your post, B. You are fab and I hope this post touches everyone who reads it like it has touched me x
Thanks B, it certainly always needs addressing. I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed but I would say I was as low as I could possibly be when we had to live with Phil’s parents between house settlements. Seriously. And then we moved into a tiny house with more children and fuck all money to do anything. Total first world problems and had no business complaining but still didn’t stop me from feeling like we had just completely fucked up and made the wrong choice.
Thanks B. xx
Great post – I think many women like to compare their reasons for
sadness and occasional feelings of despair with others. If their reasons
seem not as bad as someone else’s, they berate themselves for feeling
this way, shut up and move on, never really dealing with those feelings.
You don’t need to have a death in the family or a serious illness to
feel despair and be overwhelmed by the everyday. If you want to cry and
have a stomp of the feet, do it. Find a girlfriend who can have a
morning or a day that’s all about you. Putting on the face and always
underplaying how you feel can be an exhausting business in itself. It’s
not self indulgent, it’s necessary and it will make you feel a whole
lot better.
thankyou for this post.
i wanted to comment on something specific you said in your post:
“and those at home without them, yet surrounded by people who are”
this is so true. i don’t have children [not for lacking of trying] and yet all my friends do and rarely have time to spend with me “being a friend” as in doing the things that we rely on friends to do – listen when we need to talk, lean on when we need support or even just be there. subsequently i very rarely get to offload to ligthen the burden, have someone to just talk to, openly and honestly and indepth, or someone to just ring me up and say “hey how are YOU doing today?”.
it’s hard because complaining about not having anyone to talk to, to lean on when others are struggling with parenthood and life is viewed as selfish by a lot of people and perhaps it is but i’m a firm believer in that everyones problems are relative to their own situations and just because someone’s problems might not seem big to you, doesn’t mean they aren’t to the person that they are affecting.
so again – thankyou for this post, there will be many, both with children AND without who can [unfortunately] relate to everything you say.
~x~
This post is so true. so true.
I suffer from depression. I have a long history of it. The problem I have with bouts of depression is I don’t talk to anyone about it until it’s over. Like post natal depression. I talk about that now… sometimes, to select people. online. But at the time I thought if I told someone they would want to help. And helping usually involves coming over. and seeing the house that has fallen apart around me in my depressive state. I would spend so long cleaning before they got there, the thought of that was exhausting. How could they help anyway?…. Or sometimes the help my husband gave me made me feel like even more of a failure.
I am really really good at giving advice and support to others. But I am not that kind to myself. Also, my real friends live in a different country and there is no one here in Australia that I trust. I consider this another personal failing.
Most people mean well, but they are all talk… even me.
“everyones problems are relative to their own situations and just because someone’s problems might not seem big to you, doesn’t mean they aren’t to the person that they are affecting.”
Totally!!
I find that I don’t talk about my issues so much with the friends I do have, because they all seem to have much bigger issues that make my life look rosy in comparison. yet it’s not really. is it.
exactly 🙂
what might be a huge problem to one may seem small and almost insiginificant to another and vice versa 🙂
the way i see it, if someone has a problem or issue and they are struggling with it in any way shape or form, then it’s important that that person seeks and receives support.
~x~
My wife and I feel the same. We are being swamped by backlog. We constantly rush to “do at” things rather than have the time or the energy to do them well. We have to prioritize and hope that something important doesn’t fall of the list. When it does we feel like we have failed our kids or ourselves. There aren’t enough hours in the day… because if there were, we’d both sleep more.
Thank you for writing this post, strangely I had never even thought about it in that way, that despite the fact that a group of women will sit around a table and talk about intimate details of their lives, often they talk about everything but the real issues. I think its a lot to do with the competitive nature of our lives now, we spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to the people around us especially as mothers and that means putting on the game face and making out like its all ok. I suffered from some postnatal anxiety after both my girls were born but with some help from my GP and lots of love and support from my husband I managed to get through the toughest times. Now I am super careful to take time to really talk about how I am with those closest to me. Parenting has been the single most desperate, exciting, frightening, life affirming experience of my life!
Great post, and so true. This is something I was planning on writing about soon – I’ll link back to you as I think you’ve hit the nail on the head better than I would!
Love this post, Bianca. SO true – when I wrote on my blog about being depressed so many people who know me were surprised. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ they’d ask. Well, how do you bring it up? How do you sit there over lunch and say, oh by the way I cry all the time and I don’t know how to get through this? (as you look after a toddler and your friend runs off mid-conversation to chase after her own little one.)
I think this is why I love blogging so much – writing about these things, and reading how others are really, truly coping as well.
I’m very proud to say, though, that I haven’t even cried yet this year (except at tragically stupid things like someone being voted off Masterchef) or felt that horrible state of hopelessness. Things are floating along nicely right now.
Always here if you want a chat, Bianca. xx
I agree time to drop judgement and understand everyone has challenges and need support, thanks for your honesty x
Naomi you know how much I love you, thanks xx
Thanks for your kindness megan, you are truly gorgeous. I am so glad you have much less crying this year, Masterchef aside. x
I look forward to reading it. Thanks for your comment xx
I am so glad you got the help and understanding you deserve. I agree, parenting is exactly as you described x
It’s like we are all running through the day. I hope you both get some sleeping and quiet time soon x
It’s so true sometimes reaching out is harder than just getting through the moment. You have a lot of friends you can call on online, anytime gorgeous xx
Yeah, I was thinking of some of my friends without kids who are constantly surrounded by them. It really is so tricky finding that time to reach out and see they are ok. Thanks so much for reading and your honesty x
I sit in the toilet and cry because it’s the only place I can be alone (though sometimes not even then, since my children often follow me even there). With two children under 5 it’s hard to get out of the house and it can be lonely spending day after day doing the same old routine of neverending cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. And even when I do get to catch up with my girlfriends (of which I have very few close ones left) it’s not just the fact that we’re both constantly distracted by our children, I also feel like I have prove how well I’m doing. I don’t like to admit that I’m not coping because somehow that makes me feel like a failure as a mother.
The tiredness doesn’t help either. The constant tiredness from running around after kids all day, running around to kindy and playgroup and swimming and shopping, then getting up several times a night to one or other of the children. The more tired I am the lower my ability to cope.
I just recently got diagnosed with mild depression after my husband finally realised how low I was feeling and how I really wasn’t coping as well as I should be and urged me to see a doctor. I have my first appointment with a psychologist in a few weeks.
If it’s making someone sad it is a problem – it shouldn’t be on a rating system x
I agree a lot of people do hide behind other’s problems and downplay their own. Putting a brave face can be exhausting – time everyone just each other some slack I reckon. Thanks for your comment x
Sounds like a crapola time Bern. You are gorgeous sweetheart, thanks for your support x
Thanks so much Holly. I really hope it does too xx
Some wonderful advice. Look forward to reading your next book x
Oh honey, I truly hope tomorrow is a happier one for you. Reach out if you need to talk xx
Thank so much Michelle x
So true, it is not only hard finding the time, but also the person/people to talk with. I sincerely hope you find those people to share with. Thanks Dorothy for your honesty x
Your comments is so very generous. Defeated is the perfect word. Your comments rings true to me, it really does, thanks so much x
You are not being difficult. You are being honest and brave. As long as you are working through what you need to in your own time and getting the support you need that is what matters. Keep reaching out, because one day someone will be there who gives you the responses you need. Big love xx
Jo, I am so glad you are finally getting the support you so very much deserve. It is so fucking hard being a mum. With 3 under 5 I am so aware of how the daily monotony, and lack of sleep, can be so tiring. You will come through this. They will get bigger and you will get more sleep. Take care, big, big love xx
Fantastic post!
Many people have said they started blogging because they felt this way. So did I. Sadly, even on my blog I now feel I can’t let it out because sometimes it just goes on and on, like a long grey cloud (and I’m not even depressed, though I was when my first two were little). I often feel now that other people don’t really want to read blog post after blog post about the bewilderment of a lonely mum. My mum said to me recently that I was so lucky to have finished my degree and to have nothing to do, no deadline or work I had to get done. I don’t know if she’s forgotten what it’s like to be at home with small children and have no reason to get out and talk to other people without feeling like you’re pestering them, or if she’s just a bit daft. I’m lucky, I have one great friend and we catch up about once a week or so, and also have long conversations on the phone while we each do mundane housework, without her, I would have no one at all (yes, I have my husband, but as you said, sometimes he’s not the right person).
What an awesome post and so, so true. It’s so hard to let your feelings out when you’re constantly at the call of small children and overwhelmed by busyness. Sometimes it’s hard to even sit with your feelings until you understand them yourself let alone share them. Right now I am pretty happy but I have friends who have a lot of things going on and I worry about them, I want to st down with them over a glass of wine and let them pour it all out but it’s hard to even snatch the time to get a sketch of the situation, let alone get down to how they feel… And I know I will have those times again myself, and wonder if I will cope.
So glad I read this – just today tried to “vent” with two other mums but never seemed to finish my story (between six kids running wild). And tonight can’t seem to hold conversation with husband without it descending into yelling. You’ve reminded me the importance of “baring a little soul” on my blog. Thank you. xx
Hi Jo, I soooo sympathise with that “not even being able to go to the toilet in peace” thing. There are so many frustrations and taboos around parenting and yet, when I do find the space and time to talk with my female friends about it, I pretty much always find I am not alone. Know right now that you are not alone. I for one know all about everything you describe. I don’t know why we females seem to have to pretend that we are A1, star parents the whole time…. seems to me we’d do each other a lot of favours to drop the pretence! On the other hand, maybe it’s a coping mechanism and by saying it’s ok and looking like it is, we manage to kid ourselves a bit that it is. I find affirmations can be really helpful – something like “I am a great mum and I always do my best” might be useful – though we can’t ever know what our kids are going to do next we can help make our lives easier by being in charge of our own reactions to what they do….. easier said than done a lot of the time. My affirmation this week is “In every moment I have a choice in how I react – nothing and nobody can make me feel bad about myself.”
Big hugs to you. And remember you not the only one feeling like this.
I don’t think I’m depressed. I used to be – all the meds and therapy obviously did something. But I still know what you mean. I’ve never been so social in my life since having a kid – kindy, mothers’ groups, coffee with friends… yet I’m still very lonely. It’s why I spend too much time online.
Oh Bianca, thank you so much for putting this out there. It helped me feel a little less alone and a bit more a part of something. I have never felt the fragility of my mental and emotional well being more than in the last year when the Batsman was diagnosed with autism. I have good days and bad days and very bad days but I always feel like I am walking on a very tiny tightrope and that if I let go all the pieces of the house of cards will tumble.
Having a child with special needs has increased the sense of isolation I feel. I’m not like the other mums at kinder arranging play dates and chatting….I am the one who is the focused demon with the slightly mad glint in her eye as the drop offs and pick ups are completed and we race to the next therapy session or paediatrician appointment. It’s exhausting. I don’t talk about how that feels really because I don’t want people to think I am whiny. I too have lots of people who say to me “oh you are amazing….you get so much done….I couldn’t do what you do”…I don’t know what to say when people say that other than it may look ok on the outside but I am fucking paddling very hard under the surface of the water!! I don’t have a choice, it’s what our gorgeous little man needs right now.
Blogging has been the best thing for me….it helps so much to form my thoughts into posts and do something that feels creative and like it’s mine, just mine. I have begun to connect with some lovelies in the blogging community and there is so much genuine compassion and care among us. Sometimes I have felt really disappointed in the support and connection from IRL friends since the Batsmans diagnosis and my online community has come to mean a great deal to me.
Thank you again for this wonderful post and I think we should all work to increase the connectedness between us like you have so bravely done here. Glad I got to hang out with you a bit at ABC…..it seems like so long ago now. Sorry for the essay and I wish you a happy rest of the week xxxxxx
Thank you, you hit the nail on the head. I try and keep my blog happy, but I’ve written a ‘one of those days’ post when I just need to say, boy was today crap!
I wanted to blog, because I feel I can relate to bloggers, and yeap like you, are surrounded by people that don’t get me, wonder how I have the time, and yeap I barely leave the house. So I understand, I agree and I’m living that life, I’m grateful to know I’m not alone.
I find I apologize about the state of my house every time a visitor arrives. I am so convinced that everyone else has their shit together and would be at 5am to vaccuum if that is what it takes.
Though I don’t suffer depression, I do suffer from thinking I don’t quite measure up to being as good as I should be.
too true!
I’m only nine weeks into this journey, and I’ve already felt guilty for sobbing in the middle of the night with what most people would call an “easy” baby. She was very much wanted and I waited til I was 30 to have her, so shouldn’t be sitting there wondering what the hell I had done and how I was going to get through another minute, let alone the rest of my life in relentless and constant mothering mode. I had my fair share of the baby blues and zero friends in real life to reach out to. This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I hope I come through it relatively intact.
Can I also say you are fricking phenomenal for giving a thoughtful and considered reply to everyone’s comments. The world needs more people like you x
wonderful affirmations, just wonderful xx
Wonderful post Bianca. So much that needs to be said.
Stacey those first couple of months with a newborn, particularly your first is so very, very hard. It is such a steep learning curve, change in lifestyle and you’re so darn tired!! You will get through it and when those baby smiles and giggles start – bliss. You’re doing a fab job xxx
Ah that old “don’t measure up” chestnut. You are amazing. I too suffer from clean house syndrome. man, we are tough on ourselves xx
It’s amazing how your perspective clears up once you write things down. And the comments are so amazing, so overwhelming the support and honesty of everyone. Thanks x
Oh hon, it must be so bloody hard all the extra commitments and the worry. Anytime you need to talk I’m here. Man, this blogging community is wonderful. Was so lucky to meet you xx
We are all very real your online friends. Skype me if you want a “coffee” once the kids are bed. anytime sweetheart x
Oh, Stace, you should have said something … glad you have now. Coming over for tea x
I don’t think I’ve finished a conversation with anyone in four years!!!! Send me a link when you “bare a little soul”. x
I’m not convinced anyone has their shit together, Clairey. Still doesn’t make me not worry about my own shit though.
Thanks for you lovely comments. You know I started pilates recently and that one hour or so a week gives me some quiet time which is really helping me “sit with my feelings” and writing is amazing therapy. We really need to put aside debrief time with our friends, so important xx
That is so fantastic you and friend talk while you do the housework. Friends like that are like saviours. and remember it’s your blog, write what you want! thanks for your honesty xx
Bianca, this is an amazing post. I haven’t suffered from depression but I have low days and overwhelm days. Balance is such a stupid concept. I say thank god for blogging. We get to have the virtual chats we struggle to find time for with our face-to-face friends. (I don’t see IRL anymore because so many of your are now friends … just friends who don’t get to physically see each other so much).
PS. Stoked you had the guts to go dark again today. I’m such a wuss.
Thanks gorgeous xx
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend Nikki. And I love you read and comment on the comments. You are such a generous soul.
Ps: recently I went blonde. I couldn’t get back to the hairdressers quick enough to go darker! I’m a wuss too xx
Come hang out with me, and close your eyes to my bathroom that needs cleaning and the windows that have not been washed in quite some time…
We love visitors, out here in the burbs!
Oh, see I met you as a blonde (yes, I’d seen your gravatar but isn’t it funny that I just associated you with what you were when I met you!). Anyway, yep, not going totally back but definitely lightening up the front. I’ve got an important photoshoot on Tuesday and it was pretty stupid in hindsight to choose this exact moment to change!
I will come visit and bring cake xx
Thanks gorgeous. We are all so lucky to have each other and this space. When people don’t “get” why we blog I say “you don’t know what you’re missing”. xx
xxxxxx Busy yet lonely, I get it.
Thank you Bianca for opening up the conversation to all of your readers. It is so true that even amongst others we can feel lonely. We are “looking capable” but inside may be quivering about the next question someone’s about to ask.
I am a stay at home carer now. In perfect times, like on TV ads, this is supposed to be “our golden years” of retirement- sit back, plan your OS trip, buy a Winnebago & become grey nomads.
HA!
Life is not turning out for us, married for 40 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, anything like the promised years of retirement.
Suffice is to say…. We struggle. Him with multiple physical & mental ailments (at 62) and me, with reasonable health but now full time responsibility for the household, the finances, the life we have. One of us is disabled. He will die much sooner than normal lifespan. But I am not disabled. I care. But I will lose him much sooner than it might have been.
So.. So? I have had many year of work as a teacher & school deputy then principal. I went to Uni & did 3 courses as I worked. I have an intellect. I have a need to connect. But I am in a 2 person household. And I am lonely. I seek companionship socially from time to time with friends from teaching. Essentially it is up to me to make the most of whatever social opportuntied come my way.
I have found on-line friendships,& compatable relationships through FB , twitter and blogoverse. It is here, such as reading your post & commenting where I am not as lonely. I too, become frustrated with the mundane life I lead as a carer. I also know that I need to “care for me” but that is an over used platitude.. Easier said than done.
Must add: my hub & I have an enormous love & respect for each other & are each other’s best friends but I can’t sit down & complain to him about him.. Yeah? Thanks Bianca…. Your writing is wonderful
Great post. I’m one of the volunteer telephone counsellors at PANDA Benison mentioned below. For me it was about knowing my limits, self care without the guilt and debriefing with anyone who would listen! PANDA is not limited to women with ‘full blown’ depression, it’s for women (and men) who are finding the adjustment to parenthood difficult or if they’re feeling anxious or confused about how they’re feeling. One of the great things about PANDA is it’s a follow up service, so we continue contact with our callers until they’re linked in with help or feeling strong enough.
Let’s keep up the talk and support.
This is so true for me, even though I am.. Ahem.. Older. Blogging is my connection to the world. It is good if someone pops in to read .. And I always appreciate a comment too but more than anything .. My blog is my space & available to me when I can get there 24/7.
I am so blessed to have met you Bianca, and Megan and so many others here too at Aussie Bloggers. Wonderful support. Everyone of us “gets it” and we, like Naomi & I can say, safely “yep, went under.. Got a healthcare plan. seeing a psychologist & (in my case) have some anti depressant meds” Nobody is judging. We just affirm & care
Sarah, I loved meeting you in March & I know we struck up quite a conversation about schooling & readiness. I am always up for a “meet up” in Sydney… Xx
Wow, are you living in my head?? I really enjoyed reading this and all the comments, it’s something I have been thinking about recently with my BF who is only 20mins down the road but rarely see, let alone chat and chat with. We always ‘mean’ to call each other but then it’s 5pm, feeding time! I have really enjoyed my local play group for a bit of chat time with other parents while the kids go nuts together. Thanks again, it was lovely to read and relate. George
I do not suffer from depression, but seriously struggle with the social isolation, and therefore, loneliness that can come with being a mother to young children. I have never been good at sharing – I tend to keep everything to myself, sharing is something I have had to work hard at over the years (blogging helps!). I was finally starting open up when I became a parent. I had to go back to work when my son was 7 months old – I put on a brave face and got on with it. And to be fair there were aspects of being at work that I did enjoy. However, trying to work, study and juggle babies, meant I had little time to maintain the important connections I made with the other mothers in mother’s group. I know some of the women in this group have now developed solid friendships – something I have missed out on. Some existing friendships have changed – we are at very different places in our lives (grown children vs babies), we no longer connect on the same level. Some friendships have been lost – I have been judged very harshly by some for returning to work (apparently I am not a good parent-obviously cannot love my children as much as a stay-at-home-mum).
For me one of the hidden casualties of parenthood has been friendships – I have beautiful delightful children, a fantastic loving partner and great family – I love my life, but I still feel lonely and miss having friendships with women. Hopefully Bianca you’re right, and eventually the time will come where connections will be made again.
You’re so wonderful you know and hell, I couldn’t agree with you more! Brilliant insight. I’m not sure why I don’t talk as much as I used to….it’s sure got a lot to do with the small child and will be made even more difficult when the second small child makes his/her entry. I somehow find it easier to blog/tweet these worries – like they’re being better received by you and my kindred than people who supposedly know and love me very well. It’s an interesting phenomenon.
Stace, we got your back! I promise. So BLOODY hard to adjust to this new life regardless of how adorable they are. xxx
I could write a massive reply to this, but I don’t want to depress anyone. Pun sort of intended.
My kids are now 18 & 16, and trust me, there will be more than one cycle of loneliness and struggling in your lives.
Everybody needs to hang on tight, do the best you can, and if you feel yourself spiralling out of control, reach out.
Thanks so much for your honest and brave comments you really do get in there and offer so much support not only in your house but to those of us online too. Lovely to have met you and remember the more you reach out the more people you’ll find going through similar experiences. love xx
Thanks for your comment and for being a volunteer at such an amazing service as PANDA. I encourage anyone reading this who needs to talk to tap into it. x
Mother’s group was really good in the early years for me too. We used to sit in a circle and give everyone a turn at venting or to ask questions of the group. It was truly special. But as the number of kids increased – many have two (some 3,some 4) it changed into more of a playgroup. It got tricky for me. Was not relaxing anymore! I hope you and friend find that time to chat soon xx
The work versus stay at home mother bullshit just pisses me off. Everyone does what is right for them and their family. judgment needs to be ignored, you are doing a fab job, even if you feel completely rushed all of the time. Social isolation is my biggest issue too. Just finding the time and place. Such an adjustment of having kids. Such a change. On-line works for me – I do not have to get out of my pjs! thanks for your honesty x
I, and many others, will definitely be available to chat to you once baby 2 arrives. I wont lie, it is really tricky that juggling act. But you will get through it fine – you are a brilliant mum. And if you are ever feeling crap, which I’m sure you will, just let someone know. Anytime gorgeous, anytime xxxx
I have been depressed for 2 years now and do see a shrink and on meds but none of thisreally help i just try most days to block it out and if i cant i go write my thought down in a book. My shrink even says she is not sure that she really can help me anymore 🙁 Before i was a sufferer of depression i was such a bubbly person really fun to be around. Now i am hiding in my shell and i have been locked in my shell and thrown the key away never to be found again……….. I use to love to be that social butterfly but now no way pitty i tend to not know myself any more……… And my life will go on ,will it ever change no i doubt it i have been hit so hard with suffering dirt has been chucked over the ground so deep the top for air is inevertable (if that makes any sense) at all?
Thanks for your brave and honest comment Dannie. I truly hope you continue to get the help and support you need so you can find that happiness you deserve xx
Hi Bianca – I read this late last night after a long day at work and coming home just in time to say goodnight to my little boy. Can really relate. I moved home to Melbourne after 8 years in sydney to be near my family but in doing so moved away from my social life. So it’s been a double whammy having my bub. My closest friend here doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand how tough it can be. All my girlfriends with kids live a fair way away, so my support has been largely my mum who I was never very close to anyway. I felt guilty in the first few months for having those moments of thinking “maybe I made a mistake and wasn’t cut out for this”. And still have those moment where tears are shed away from anyone’s eyes. It’s funny too because one of my most vivid early memories as a child was an incident where my brother and I were testing my mum’s patience and she lost it and ran into the house crying. We never stopped to think why. Now I get it. One of those moments where it’s all built up inside to a point where something relatively little will tip you over the edge. No one prepares you for the mental/emotional change that comes with having children. I am pretty much a get on with it kind of person…and yes for me too blogging is my way of stopping to vent, breath and feel like I am not going it alone. I am thankful that I love my work, and going back to work helps me feel like a person in my own right and not just Little T’s mum. I wont’ let anyone or anything make me feel guilty about that!
I have been struggling with depression or PND for the last 18 months. I ididnt think I was until I went to hospital to book in to have my second child and she asked me how I was, no one had asked me that. I said I was good, she then asked me if I find myself in tears very often. Well that just opened the flood gates and it all came out. I remember the look on my husbands face, I think he was in shock and then denial. How could he have missed his wife being so miserable. He told me that I wasn’t depressed, but if I did want to talk to someone that he would support me. I decided that I did need to talk and had been seeing a counsellor about a year ago but then I had my second child and found that I was going ok, or so I thought. Last week I took the plunge and made an appointment again. I’m supposed to keep a diary, I suck at that so thought I send so much time on the Internet why not start a blog. I too find that I’m an never alone but and so incredibly lonely. Thank you, you have brightened my day, I don’t feel quite so alone anymore.
I am so glad this has helped you feel not so alone. You have made my day too. Reaching out for the help you need and knowing when you need the extra support is a wonderful place to be. Here’s hoping you find that calmness again soon, thanks for your comment xx
Being in a new place without that much needed support network must be difficult. I am so glad you reach out to your mates online, me included. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for your life choices – good on you for knowing what works best for you and your family. thanks for your support xx
Bianca – I have just nodded my way through this post. It’s like I could have written it (although, I’m sure, I’d have never managed to be as eloquent as you!)
Completely agree. After the 4yo was born, I really struggled. That first year with three kids under 5 was quite difficult for me. I felt so overwhelmed at times, and really, most didn’t have a clue. One night, I was having a particularly challenging evening, and a friend called in to sell tickets to her sons’ school raffle. She asked how I was, and I broke down. She had NO idea. Because I didn’t tell anyone!
Here’s the other thing: I think, when people – say, like you and me – tend to get jokey about things and be humorous about life….you and I both know that that sometimes hides how we feel, right? People probably think we’re pretty much happy ALL the time. I’m happy most of the time, but I have terrible down days sometimes. But being funny is a great cover. You know?
Fab post.
xxx
what a great post! this week i have been thinking about the depression i suffered from in the last few weeks of my last pregnancy. bub is about to turn one and it just reminds me of how low and desperate i was this time last year and how i didn’t really let anyone know apart from my husband. i wrote a post about it and some of my closest friends were shocked to hear what i had gone through and felt bad that they hadn’t noticed, but the thing is we are masters at covering up things we don’t want others to see. we suffer in silence rather than let those around us in.
blogging has provided a huge outlet in my life. like you said when you have small children it is difficult to have normal conversations with people, it diffficult to find time to pick up the phone, and there are many, many lonely hours at home with little adult contact. yet blogging has opened up a world to me to share my thoughts with other like-minded people. i have found a whole new community that has enriched my life and always brightens my day
thanks for this post x
Thankyou for this post.
I have struggled with this very topic also, family breakdown, moving away from my family and friends. Its definately hard and all contributed to my depression i had for about 18months. (yes had) there are times when it creeps back but overall that feeling has gone away. Its so important to have some friends you can trust and let your feelings out to and if you dont have that a journal for me was a good place to start .. Just to get what i am feeling out to a place that wasnt going to judge me is important then they are not stored up in my head i write everyday in the mornings before the kids start bugging me for something i was so surprised how much better that made me feel. For me it was also about having a choice… I chose hapiness everyday and its is a struggle particularly at first to be grateful for the things i do have that are good, a roof over my head (at least for now), two children who give me hugs everday, if i chose to look at all the crap things going on i feel crap, overwhelemed, helpless, but i do have a choice on what to focus on to change things slightly bit by bit this has helpled.
Its definately hard, mothers have a very tough job, i am sure in the olden days that was why people and families lived in close communities so that the jobs could be shared accross aunties, friends grandmothers etc. We dont have this in our culture so much anymore.. i think mothers have a tough time as a result of it.
Beyond blue is a great website there is also this one my dr told me about which is good http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome to help with your thinking 🙂
so true Jodie. You know I love writing funny posts. I love it because it makes me giggle and challenges me. I love giving people who may be having a tough time of it a reason to smile and laugh. But I do have sad days as you (also a person who laughs through life). Sometimes I just need to get serious for a moment. Next week my post is about tampons – I think it is hilarious and I hope it makes someone smile as your posts make me smile. Thanks Jodie, insightful as always xxx
How wonderful to look back at a time in your life and know you got through it. I am so happy for you being brave to work through things. This blogging caper and the community is amazing isn’t it?! Thanks xx
Such a fantastic outlook you have. I’m sure it’s taken time, and continued work, to get to that point. I too try positive reaffirmations to get through tricky moments. I also like to remind myself that things pass, that life will present joy as quickly as its presents sadness. Keep looking for the joy and good. Thanks for the link and for reading xx
Thanks Bianca, Its taken a very long time to get to this point. Sometimes you aren’t seeing the good around you, it doesnt mean its not there you just have to remember to look for it. 🙂
I just clicked through so I could send you this link Rach (failed from my phone yesterday) but you have got in before me, how funny 🙂 And yes as Bianca said blogging sure helps, and tweeting, and Facebooking! Husbands come home at the end of the day thinking we’ve been hanging out with friends half the day but definitely don’t get that we don’t get the chance to talk properly – I know mine would be shocked to consider the notion (so many hours, he’d say, what did you do if you weren’t talking? Um … see that small noisy (but lovely) boy crawling around down there?!). Good on you both for posting about this. xx
yes, Yes and YES! and before i get into my own rant, might i add that men do debrief … on us!
so who do we turn to? first there was Mums group, thrown in with women i had nothing in common with, who could never understand me sitting up half the night reading a BOOK! and whose idea of debriefing was constant mizzling about their husbands, real estate, car leases …
like you, Bianca, i felt that when my kids started school, i would be exposed to a whole new set of friends. what a disappointment it was to be faced with dozens of women who had grown up together, had married each others’ brothers, and had no room for new friends … the joys of regional living, i guess! i can count on one hand those, after nearly 7 years, i would consider friends, and on two fingers those i can offload onto. how happy i am to have those two lifesavers.
and finally, let’s talk about forms and levels of depression. i NEVER thought of myself as THAT person, yet as my PMS became more and more chronic as i moved deeper into my 40s, i was shocked when my GP suggested mild anti-depressants as a solution to the red rages that enveloped me and damaged my family every THREE weeks … bliss and relief! i still have my bad days, still sit with my head on the steering wheel (oh yes!) wondering how i will get through the day, but it LIFTS. i can see blue skies ahead even if they are in the distance.
i encourage ANYONE who feels they are not handling the emotional burdens of parenthood as well as they would like to SEEK HELP. GP, naturopath, yoga, counselling … whatever it takes. don’t let it get to the point that i did, my kids petrified and flinching whenever i came too close. i don’t know how long it will take before they trust me again, but i do know it took me WAY too long to seek help.
thank you again for writing this — it is SO important. xt
Can you stick this somewhere permanently in your sidebar, B? I love it. If I were having a low day (which I am not! surpriiiise!) I would be crying by now. But I think it would be very good to come and read the comments on a day when I do feel completely alone with a lot of shit piled on top of shit on top of my head. You know? I’d love it if this was somewhere that women could dip in and read and remind themselves. xxx
Superb post.
Tracey your comment is AMAZING, so honest, so helpful and it reinforces why I blog – for this instant connection with people. I am so glad you got that help, for you and your children. What a wonderful mum you are. Thanks, thanks thanks xxx
If I knew how to do that I would. I have never had such an outpouring on any blog post before. It is overwhelming. thanks honey xx
Cate thanks so much for reading and your gorgeousness xx
I cried in the pantry the other night and then felt guilty…what the? Goddamn! I’m allowed to cry in the pantry if THAT is the place I so partake to do such things!!! And in between my tears I noticedd that we needed some mroe penne pasta. FFS! Wonderful wonderful post for all mums to know they are not alone in feeling the way they do. xx
I am so proud that you not only got a good cry in the pantry, but you also noticed your grocery needs. well done you!! Thanks for such a very lovely and cool message xx
Brilliant post and spot on. I rarely talk to anyone about my feelings, lows, plans, wants, needs etc. I don’t really have anyone close by who I’m close enough to and i’m not really close to my UK friends anymore. and yes, there’s the not wanting to admit everything isn’t perfect side of things too. Blogging does help, and some of my bogging friends have become the people I now go to ‘via email or messaging’ to talk to about stuff. Funny isn’t it, but i’ve never even met some of them.
What you write here is so true, it is terribly difficult to find the time and space to really share. Going out at night has been great for me and the twins mums but is done all too rarely. I chatter to my sister in Scotland when it’s her morning and my night, that’s good.
Something I have found really tough is finding space in the day/life to grieve the death of my father, and all the changes that has brought to the family dynamic and my feelings about being here. I’m surrounded by NOISE so much of the time, I really feel I haven’t got far at all in really processing some deep feelings. And on that note, I am off to cook/feed/bath and put to bed assorted kids.
Totally relate to the bit about girlfriends: because I see them less I don’t want them to remember me as a boring moany mum, so I play down any problems. TG for my internet friends x
Segovia sent me over here and I am glad she did. The real world sees me as the person who is everywhere, doing everything and helping everyone but I am no. I don’t have my shit together, in fact it is all over the place and falling apart quicker than I can put it back together. I don’t think of myself as being depressed but I am in a funk at the moment, maybe because of all the busy or maybe because I see change in the future and don’t know where it will lead. I know I expect a lot from myself and others and do too much to compensate for the disapointment I am likely to feel when others let me down.
You inspired me… http://petajo.wordpress.com/2011/05/27/the-mouse-who-roared-at-her-husband/
Thank you!
You are one of those people for me, Heather. So kind and generous. Must so hard away from your family/friends. I’m always here x
Yes, its the noise which gets me too. Sometimes I crave/long for some quiet to get just get thoughts in order. I’ve found pilates has helped me get some quiet. So sorry about your father and I truly hope you find that quiet you need xx
You know they are probably sitting there thinking the same thing and then you all jump in your car and wish you’d spoken up. I too am much more inclined to open up online x
Sounds like it’s time to scale back on some commitments and replace them with some me time. Sounds simple, but I’m sure it’s much harder to do. I really hope you get some down time to regroup xx
Wanted to add something.. following this the other day i had a really crappy and bad weekend. I remembered something that helped me in my dark times that took me so long to workout thought i would share as i had forgotten about it.
In dark times I was getting to the point where I was letting my emotions run me. They clouded the view on everything i did everyday I felt crap. To the point where i couldnt see the light.
When i talked about choice above ..for me its about choosing not to constantly listen to those emotions. The emotions arent who i am everyone gets emotional.. but they can run you. Sure emotions and come up without our knowledge but they dont have to be the be all and end all of our day… our thoughts can be changed to not support that emotion. so i would pick myself up in my head and said you know what i am not going to think like that .. because i dont want to keep feeling like this… how could i change this thought? How can I look at it another way.. and get rid of the word “Should” should means failure … before you have even started.
anyway .. after a crappy weekend.. things are ok… thanks for this post again 🙂
I just happened to find you via Toushkas blog, and I’m so glad I did! This post sums up EXACTLY how I feel and why I recently started blogging (Whoa,Mamma). Thank you so much for sharing. It’s amazing and comforting to see how much we have in common. Looking forward to reading every post xxxxxx
I think everyone feels like that at least from time to time. I feel like I look at some other moms and I think “wow, how can they always manage to look cute, have a clean house and happy kids, what am I doing wrong?” I think I just idealize their lives when they are probably feeling the same way I am feeling.
Oh my gosh, YES!! I’ve got immediate family only 2 minutes away, and grandparents in a granny flat out the back. Weekly mums’ group. I have great friends and family and yet the past month, with sick kids, then my parents being sick, then mums’ group cancelled due to everyone else’s sick kids, I haven’t had a lot of “usual” interaction the past month. And boy have I felt it. And then the fact we might be moving overseas next year for 2 years for my husband’s work. To Japan. I’m freaking out about not having any friends or family and not speaking Japanese (other than a few random phrases for around home with the kids!). But have I told my husband this? No, of course not. Why do I do this to myself?!
Thank you for putting this out there, Bianca.x
PS. Happy Blog Carnival Month.=)
What a great post! Clearly what the doctor ordered after a few unexplained teary moments this week while driving the car, and sitting at the park watching my kids play. Missing the support of family and friends on the other side of the country, and still building up relationships with people on this side. Very thankful for the mother’s group I go to every fortnight (MOPS) where the kids are looked after by some lovely people, and us mums have time to really talk for two hours. Without this organisation I would not have met the lovely Cath/Squigglemum and I would not have been introduced to the amazingly supportive world of bloggers. So often I come across a post (such as yours) that tells it like it is, and reminds me that I am not alone.
Great post – I think many women like to compare their reasons for
sadness and occasional feelings of despair with others. If their reasons
seem not as bad as someone else’s, they berate themselves for feeling
this way, shut up and move on, never really dealing with those feelings.
You don’t need to have a death in the family or a serious illness to
feel despair and be overwhelmed by the everyday. If you want to cry and
have a stomp of the feet, do it. Find a girlfriend who can have a
morning or a day that’s all about you. Putting on the face and always
underplaying how you feel can be an exhausting business in itself. It’s
not self indulgent, it’s necessary and it will make you feel a whole
lot better.
I read this when you first posted and have just come back via the Digital Parents carnival. Just what I needed today… I was having one of those shitty days and felt the need to tell others that I felt depressed. Someone told me yesterday they have shaken their baby (twice) and whilst I haven’t myself I can understand the moment of frustration and built up angst than can lead this to happen. No excuse but I get it.
Beautiful post.
As an overthinking overachiever I’m nodding along as I read.
The more people comment how ‘Superwoman’ly I appear, the more pressure I feel to live up to that image. While exhausting myself in the process!
Thank you.
🙂