First rule of this blog post is no nastiness. No finger pointing. No fighting among each other. I’m about to discuss breastfeeding. I know I can see you reeling. I can hear you screaming: “step away from the computer!”.
Now I’ve got that out of the way, let me explain what this is about. In a few days, I will be giving the closing address at the 2nd annual Lactation Consultants of Australia and New Zealand conference. Yep, that’s right. I will be speaking at a conference in front of, I don’t how many, midwives and other health professionals – all who are experts in the field of breastfeeding. How did this come about you may be thinking? Well, earlier this year I was interviewed in The Advertiser’s (Herald Sun, Daily Telegraph equivalent) Weekend Magazine about how Mums are increasingly turning to the internet and social media for parenting information. An organiser of the conference saw the article and contacted me. She thought the topic would be of interest to attendees and asked if I would be interested in speaking. Sure, I replied. Then I got swept up in life and promptly forgot about it until last week. Now, to put it bluntly, I am shitting myself.
I am expected to stand in front of people for 45 minutes and talk about blogging, Twitter, Facebook and of course, my own experiences breastfeeding and how I sourced my information. I am so nervous I will mumble, get flustered, forget what I am saying mid-sentence, ramble on, tell jokes that aren’t funny and bore people.
So, I decided I’d ask friends on Facebook, Twitter and my super-cool blog readers what you think I should say? How do you get most of your parenting information? How do your friends get their information? Do you think it’s changed over the years? Do you think there are mixed messages regarding breastfeeding? What are the dangers of asking for help in the arena of social media? What are the benefits?
Hi Bianca..I have had mixed experiences breastfeeding too. My firstborn was jaundiced and so was disinterested and so with much guilt he was bottlefed. The second I didn’t even try breastfeeding so she was bottlefed. The third I gathered up courage to feed and was successful for a few weeks ’til my parents visited from NZ and I lost my milk in the busy-ness and stress of the visit. The fourth I breastfed successfully for over 13 months! The last didn’t want to suck at all and I actually had trouble teaching him to suck from a bottle…the advantage was that he never dribbled either! Truly I have had totally different babies..and I think the best message is the one you have already proclaimed, which is ‘no judgment’…I am very thankful for all the help I could get with bottles etc and know there are so many different reasons why a mother can’t or even won’t breast feed and we need all the encouragement we can get either way.
First of all best of luck to you – you will rock!
All I can offer is that breastfeeding personally was a disaster for me and I too often felt the sting of judgement. Once, in a lift a complete stranger was making small talk with me and cooing over my 3mth old and asked me if I was breastfeeding. When I answered no she shook her head and said “shame” and ignored me the rest of the ride! She never bothered to ask why not, just chose to judge. And it still hurts now thinking about it….
As for my information, I garner it more from trusted family & friends as I still feel there is so much chance for judgement online as I’ve seen some very staunch opinions expressed. I’m completely cool that each to their own where views are concerned but being so fragile about breastfeeding failure it would hurt if someone online (even if I didnt know them) judged me.
Good luck with this and let us know how you go xx
Oh this is exciting for you B! Wish I could go to the event.
I absolutely DO turn to social media now for opinions on these things….cos in all honesty my kindred out there in twitter-land and blog-land are going to 1. support me 2. not judge me and 3. give me good advice cos they already know a little (or in some cases a lot!) about me. In fact, the advice you gave me about the little man visiting the soon to be tiny man and I in hospital and all those other tips have sat with me so very much that I’m taking every single word of your advice. In reality, the CYH nurses didn’t have time or were so old fashioned when I was learning to feed Bebito and he was learning to feed from me that I didn’t learn anything from them and don’t even get me started on the bazillion different ways I was told to approach things in hospital.
The only person who helped me last time was the midwife in my ob’s office who actually spent some time with me one-on-one and who knew me. IF we encounter issues this time around I will call a lactation consultant for proper support.
I agree with you that there are HUGE number of societal pressures around feeding – whether it be bottle or breast there seems to be judgement everywhere. I don’t get that judgement from my online pals. And my Mum & Grandma have stunk at giving me advice on this stuff….so old fashioned in their approaches….and I fed the Bebito til he was 21 months and in hindsight only gave up cos Mum was pressuring me to stop.
Oh, and sorry for the essay length comment! 🙂
xx
How exciting!
My take on breastfeeding is “be gentle on your baby, be gentle on one another”.
I breastfed my three, sometimes in tandom. I had a rocky start with my eldest, and then an easy ride with the next two. I feel lucky.
Breast is possibly best, but my overarching opinion in all things to do with babies and nutrition is that a well hydrated baby is best, no guilt attached.
B, you will rock!
xx
Sounds like they got the perfect person for this gig. I was a proactive breastfeeder for each of my three babies. Unfortunately my body’s capabilities didn’t match my mind’s. Hated the guilt but hated more the thought that I was actually starving my babies. Which turns out I was!
In my experience I found the mixed messages you get in social media are really not that different than the mixed messages you get in the ‘real world”. I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed both my babes (inluding a premmie), but the mixed messages I got about breastfeeding started in hospital – each different midwive had their own advice, approach, strategy that seemed to conflict the midwife on the previous shift! When I left hospital, I found the same conflict in all other sources of information – blogs, websites, ‘gurus’, friends.
Best wishes for your upcoming talk. I hope it goes well.
I was breastfeeding prior to be involved with social media can not comment so much on that. As someone who had little trouble with breastfeeding, I was often envied by some friends. There experiences helped me to appreciate the great gift I had been given. Not that I could breastfeed but that I could feed my babies with little difficulty. Every mother knows that it can be difficult to decipher exactly what your baby is crying for. How much more frustrating when once you identify the reason you struggle to satisfy that need. When there are an endless supply of people waiting to judge you on your success, well that is not fair and not helpful.
I have parented thus far with the help of books, magazines, the internet, friends and family. I like to look at the advice presented and pick and choose what suits me and my family best. Usually that means applying paragraph 4 in chapter 7 from book 1, two points from my mum, that one thing my friend did that worked and ditch the rest.
Kim
You will be fab at this!
I arrived back in Jakarta with my eleven day old baby, the email address of my Obstetrician in Oz and the hotline number to the Australian Breastfeeding Association. I had NO idea what I was doing and was absolutely terrified.
The hotline was fabulous for keeping me focussed on breastfeeding and encouraging me not to give up (I really struggled). The women I spoke to were always supportive. I’m not sure if things have changed but at that stage a bottle of formula was NEVER given as an option. Unfortunately I, like many others, became obsessed with breast being best and perhaps put myself through some unnecessary evenings of hell where I obviously didn’t have enough milk and had a starving child to deal with. I know you have to “feed through” these evenings, but a couple of times I think a bottle and a good nights sleep would have meant a much happier mother and child.
I went on to breastfeed all four of my babies but the second time around I didn’t hesitate in throwing in a bottle of formula if I felt it was needed.
Where did I get my information? It depended on which country I gave birth in. In Jakarta it was a mix of online and a “Well Baby Clinic”, in Malaysia it was from my Obstetrician, in Tripoli it was friends (internet connection was unreliable), in Malta it was the midwives at the hospital, in Canada it was the weekly visits to the baby clinic. I signed up for all of the baby websites with the weekly emails etc. I also rang the various hotlines to the Health Department. I guess, in a nutshell, I used everything that was available to me and not just one specific thing.
Good luck Honey, you don’t need it though, you are the perfect person for the gig.
Kxx
4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle
http://shamozal.blogspot.com/
I think all soon to be mums need to be told that most of time parenting doesn’t come naturally. Breast feeding is hard and painful to begin with. And no woman should feel condemned if she can’t continue.
I loved breastfeeding my 4 bubs for a total of around 44 months
I had my 1st before social media. Hope your talk goes well. X
I think social media is especially good for connecting with like-minded parents, and so hopefully the advice you get is more knowledgeable and supportive for what you need. I have no experience or advice for settling babies consistently without a boob, sleeping through, making things more predictable, important things many mums need to know, but if someone wants to breastfeed for a thousand years, cosleep and all that entails I can be more helpful. The danger is asking what seems like a relatively simple question and having the jarring experience of someone coming from a very different place answer, it can feel judgemental when it is just different dynamics. And of course, people are judgemental!!
That happens in real life too though right, I had a mum of 3 admonish me for always feeding my baby in one position, because she was told she had to use different possies to ensure her breast was drained to prevent blocks leading to the mastitis she suffered frequently. Well I had a baby with a crap latch and a low supply who could only get on well in one way for the first four months, so I needed to do something completely different and opposite to her, her frame of reference wasn’t wide enough to give me advice. Luckily I had read widely and had professional advice so I knew if I followed her advice I’d more likely make problems for myself than avoid the ones she had experienced. So I’d say I had about 40% book learning, 50% anecdotal from online friends learning (who were also the reading type) and 10% from professionals. The online stuff was really important, knowledge and support wise.
Good luck with your talk, it sounds like a brilliant initiative!
I wish I could see you talk.
You will be amazing!
6 weeks with the first and 6 months with the second…. FYI
And like most things, I do not really care what others do… Mothering is a tough gig.
Xx
First of all, you’ll be fab at this.
As someone who didn’t manage to breastfeed their first baby due to language difficulties, heavy handed midwives and lack of knowledge of the subject leading to a rather naive opinion that it would just be a matter of placing baby on the boob and bob’s your uncle,
As soon as I learned of my pregnancy I bought books, read online parenting articles and have waded through so many pro/anti debates that sometimes it makes my head spin.
I have found personal blogs to be a great source of information though, there is no agenda (with most of them) just a recount of how things were for them, tricks they learnt to help them along. They weren’t necessarily what the experts recommended but it stopped them from throwing in the towel and that means a lot.
This time around I feel much more knowledgeable on the subject and I also have social media at my beck and call.
Because I have befriended women from all over the world on twitter I know that if I get stuck at 4am and need some instant advice or just some reassurance I can get it. It makes me feel much more confident that I will be able to acheive my goal of breastfeeding without having the usual crutches that women tend to rely on ie health visitors, midwives, family members etc that are open to me due to living in a country where I don’t speak or understand the local language well enough.
That’s such an awful story, that woman should be ashamed!!
I love you. Just wanted to put that out there xxx
This is a fabulous post! I wish you had have been around when I was trying to breastfeed my firstborn at 19 with no clue and several different people telling me hugely conflicting advice. I think any information you put forward in this non-confronting manner will be helpful and accepted and loved. I have people on facebook/online that are 100% breast or they don’t want to know you, (literally, last week my online “friend” removed all of the non-breastfeeders off her friends list) and then I have the formula feeders who I also can’t whole heartedly agree with feeding month old babies 300ml of formula at a time, just so their babies will sleep through.
Formula fed DD1, Breastfed DD2 for several months, Breastfed DD3 for 6 weeks until I quit due to recurring mastitis and eventually pumping blood, Breastfed DS4 for 7-8 months.
Krystal.
Hi Bianca,
I really struggled breastfeeding Little T and have blogged about it a few times. I initially sought help from the hospital midwives (via a breastfeeding clinic they run), a maternal health nurse run clinic, the ABA helpline, a friend of my mum’s who was a midwive and a GP, but still didn’t feel like I was getting the answers I needed. Throughout the whole time (several months) I had also been seeking answers online (Kellymom was a great resource as was the ABA site), I spent a lot of time Googling to try to find tips for my situation and eventually via a facebook status update a girlfriend replied back to me about Motilium to boost supply. I then took this information back to the GP who prescribed and finally improved my supply (after 6 months of trying everything else under the sun). I was SO frustrated that all the “experts” I spoke to IRL never once suggested this to me. I am glad I listened to my instincts and kept seeking more information. Social media helped give me visibility to so many other women who were also struggling with breastfeeding for varying reasons and this without doubt helped reassure me and kept me persisting. I am sure without the online resources I would have only lasted a month or two – instead I made it to 8 months.
You will be great.
If you are looking to support the SM message, you can mention my new job…as SM manager for the maternity section of St Vincents Private Hospital. It has only just started but the midwives provide me with tips to tweet and share on fb, so far they have been received well. DM me if you need any info.
I think you should talk about how to react when someone uses one of those platforms to help.
How listening is important for a mother who is sturggling to breastfeed and answering “Just give them a bottle” is really…shattering to a mother who is trying to give something a good go. Instead offering something like “Lets catch up for coffee tomorrow morning so I can swoon over your baby while you get some adult time” or offering to take them to see a professional or just come around so they can put their feet up and nap for a bit is far more help.
I also think that formula feeding is pretty heavily accepted (at least in my experience) but the best approach to someone who gets upset by formula is to “assume it’s breastmilk in that bottle”. Really it’s no one’s buisness if someone choses to formula feed. What upsets me is most people who formula feed have an “Excuse” for it. Why the excuse? There are plenty of people who simply do not want to breastfeed. Stand behind that, so the people who really did struggle aren’t “another person who didn’t try hard enough”.
There is definitely negative on both sides. It’s hard. But I think talking about how if at 3am someone pop’s on upset about BF’ing woes how a mother in that sitation would want to be approached. They KNOW formula is an option, but obviously they are not wanting to turn to it. They are wanting some people to cheer them on, or offer them solid (and correct) advice that could help them. Their baby is hungry, so giving them to “someone else so they can get some sleep” isn’t always an option.
But also, if someone chooses to formula feed not making them feel bad. It is still nourishing their child. If they had a crack at breastfeeding give them a pat on the back and a “way to go” because they tried.
mwah xx
I think what you just said is key. Don’t make mothers feel worse if they can’t or don’t want to bf. Some people can’t for physical reasons and others can’t or don’t want to because of work or whatever reason. As mothers we all need to support one another and stop judging.
Really love this post. The judgement out there is horrendous. Although I breastfed my first bub for 17 months, I had to top him up the whole time due to my supply. I felt both ends of the judgement spectrum. Felt awkward feeding him a bottle in public (even when it was sometimes expressed milk) but also felt awkward breastfeeding him in public. Very easy to get stuck at home with all of that pressure!!! Then I also felt pressure to stop breastfeeding him after 12 months. I think most of the judgement comes from women, which is ridiculous. You never really know what somebody’s story is so the judgement is not only nasty, but often inaccurate!
I definitely turn to Twitter for breastfeeding (and lots of other) advice. I don’t use Facebook for it as much. That’s because my real life friends aren’t on Twitter so I can be open, honest and not be as worried about being judged. I think the anonymity aspect of social media would be a good point to cover in your talk.
I am very passionate and am overly chatty so I hope that when other mums ask for advice or tips on Twitter, that my words provide them with ideas without pressure or judgement or obligation. I think all people ever want is for someone to understand, have been there and gotten through it themselves and to help them get through it easier due to their experiences.
I think you’re gonna be awesome. And funnily enough, I have had nothing but extreme support (or at least polite silence) with my choice to breastfeed. And sometimes the kid gets formula if I haven’t pumped for her one day at day care, or whatever. WHATEVER. Kid also has a dummy, I may as well be shot. But I’ve not had one ounce of anybody being judgemental and my life is all over the internets. I feel the support, not the stab <3
Where have all my comments gone on this post? Aaaahhhhhhh
Hi, just found you through Twitter. Currently bfeeding a nearly 10 month old and from Adelaide also. Passionate about bfeeding and social media and have personally found enormous support (emotional and practical) that has gotten me through what can only be described as an horrendous start to bfeeding. Good luck with your presentation! I spoke about my experiences with bfeeding at a “preparing for breastfeeding” (to pregnant mums and dads) recently and mentioned several places online that support can be found. It’s so much more efficient and non-judgemental than sifting through friends and family to find advice.