Soon I’ll be turning the Big Four Oh. Yep 40. I am not excited about it.

I always thought I’d be, but I’m not. We are going away as a family to celebrate. Off to Cairns and Port Douglas. A fancy restaurant is booked and a babysitter. I am thrilled to be going out with my husband. I am also counting my blessings to be able to chill with my girls for a week in a tropical paradise. All of those factors excite me, but the actual turning 40 part, not so much.

So many people who have already turned this magic number say how amazing it is. They feel more comfortable in their skin. Braver to be who they are and unafraid of speaking their mind. I get all of that and mostly I already feel most of those things, particularly the “speaking my mind part”.

It’s the physical act of getting older. I am scared of ageing because I don’t want to die. I see every step now closer to death. I have never been more attuned to it as I am now. Is this something that happens when you near a milestone birthday? Is this what you felt too? Will this stop soon, so I can get on with my life?

I Googled turning 40 and there were pages and pages of people suffering anxiety about it. I’m not alone out there I know. I’m also very aware of how lucky I am to get to forty, so many people don’t. I am not winging, I am just wondering when this intense period of trying to run from it will go away?

I haven’t organised anything with friends, the whole idea of it makes me want to hide under my covers. Of course, if I do nothing then I will be sad too. I don’t make it easy for myself.

I don’t want parties. I want a quiet gathering at a pub with a few mates drinking pints of beer and talking about anything but me turning 40. This is so unlike me.

If you’ve turned 40, or are turning 40 soon, please tell me what did you do to mark the occasion? Did you get all stupid like me?

bigwords x