I am having a “go away” day. A “leave me alone” moment. You know them. Those moments you look back on with regret.
Those moments you find yourself questioning why you ever had children at all and then you almost implode with guilt for all the people who have ever struggled to have babies or lost babies (young or old). And then you quietly, yet somewhat frantically, chant in your head: “I take it back, I take it back, I love my children. I just hate being a mother today, right at this second… and this second…”.
Those days you beat yourself up for not being approachable and quietly spoken and encouraging and super loving. Those days, that stretch on for days, that you just want to be alone. When you are not satisfied with grabbing a minute here and a minute there to yourself. When you want to be selfish and get a whole hour, maybe even an entire afternoon, to be quiet.
When you yell, shield your eyes from their constant questioning, close your heart to their constant demands. When you shut down. Yep, one of those. I am in the grip of one of those moments.
And no, I don’t need a hand or a phone call quietly suggesting a might like some time out or an email chirpily asking if I’d like to meet for a coffee, as much as I love you my friends. I just want my kids to go to bed on time, in their own beds. I want a nice meal with my husband (as long as he doesn’t talk!!), perhaps a glass of wine, some crap television and some quiet time to read a book in bed by myself. I want to go back in time and grab the moments I wasted crying over being alone. I want those back now, when I actually appreciate them. Is it too much to ask for?
How do you do deal with these moments?