As I walked away holding my eldest girl’s hand, the boy yelled after me: “But I wanted you to bounce me on the seesaw. Come back lady, please lady you have to play with me”. I gripped my girl’s hand as we walked faster to our car, where my husband was buckling our two other children into their seats.
I felt like a terrible adult. Although he was not my child, I felt a sense of responsibility to him. His mother was completely disengaged. Perhaps she’d had a long day and needed a break. Perhaps she was unwell. Perhaps he’s a tough kid and she’d had enough of entertaining him. Perhaps this was her chosen parenting style – to dump and disengage.
We had gone to the park to hang out as a family. It’s been a busy week and we needed some together time. The moment we stepped onto the bark chips we were pounced on by this boy. Every time, one of our kids tried to go down the slide he’d push in front of them and sit there. Every time one of our kids went to slide down a pole or climb a ladder, he was there blocking their path. His mother sat there watching, not at any stage stepping in. Then his behaviour escalated. He tried to push one of our kids of some play equipment. Still no response from his mother, so we moved to another part of the playground.
He chased after us. She took this as her moment to grab a magazine and sit reading under a tree. Again, he pushed past our kids, until Miss E pointedly told him he was not welcome.
He moved on to another family, until they too got up and left. He passed us with tears in his eyes, still his Mum sat reading her magazine. My heart reached out to him, but shamefully I did nothing. I just stood there watching him wandering to another group of kids; lonely and needy.
They’re everywhere; attention starved children with longing in their eyes. Their desperate need for validation pushing others away. Their parents dumping their kids in public places – parks, pools and shopping centre playgrounds – with an expectation others will entertain them. A number of times lately, we’ve been in a playground and a caregiver has instructed their young child to play while they’ve headed off elsewhere. Does that mean we are then responsible for that child?
I’m all for free range parenting, if it’s premeditated and comes with safety mechanisms in place, but not when the only reason you parent that way is because you are lazy and don’t give a shit about your kid.
What are your thoughts on pushy and needy kids in playgrounds? Do you ever say anything to their parents? Do you feel a sense of guilt?
Love to hear what you think,
bigwords xx
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
My girl is only 12 months old so I haven’t experienced this in such a degree as you but the last time I went to a play park there was this little boy, would have had to have been 3/4 and he came running over to my nephew and started slapping him on the back. My sister and I moved our kids away from him and they started playing again. My nephew crawled over to us, we were sitting right next to this boys mother it turned out, and crawled under my legs and was now between me and the Mother. That same boy was on a mission, he came stormed over and double punched my baby nephew (also 12 months) in the lower back!!
My sister and I both jumped up yelling at him “hey hey hey” and kind of brushed him away. It wasn’t until we yelled that the mother “re-engaged” and she had NO idea what her boy had been doing. She asked what happened and we told her he just punched our baby and she just turned back to her conversation. Her boy continued to pick on other little boys smaller than him.
Then as they were leaving i saw her ask her son what did you do to the baby. To which he said “i hurt him”. Can you guess what she did???
NOTHING!!! No reprimand, no apology. Just put his shoes on, remained disengaged, and walked away!
I was absolutely disgusted!
We always wind up with other people’s kids at the beach, on holiday, at the park. It’s very sad.
Growing up my Nan used to embarass us by telling off other kids in public. Her reason was that “people just turn a blind eye and someone has to stand up and say what’s right”. Now that I’m a mum I have become that parent in the playground that will happily tell another child off when they do wrong. I love my kids meeting new friends and playing without my help when we are out. But I think setting boundaries on behaviour is necessary and that includes showing them not to let others get away with it too. I could care less if the parent is near by. If they won’t do it, then I will. And I don’t mean by disciplining them – more by saying things like “You need to take turns” Or “please don’t push” or “if you are going to be nasty can you please not play near us!”. My kids are told all these things too. It shows that a few rules help everyone have fun.
Save the guilty feeling for other areas of your life. As a mum there are plenty of opportunities for guilt. Think of it as a community service.
http://melonheads-mellsy.blogspot.com.au/
I watched a horrible scene unfold at our local park one day. A father was there with his 4-5yr old son. The boy was begging his dad to watch, to play, to have fun. The father ignored him. The boy then started complaining that he was too scared to do things or needed help to get down the pole. The father became enraged by his whining, called him a whimp for not doing it on his own when all the boy wanted was for his dad to play with him. He was desparate for attention. The situation end quite violently, the father threatened him with going home if he wouldn’t play on his own and by this point, the father was yelling. He dragged him off to the car kicking and screaming and insulting him. I was really confronted by the situation and saddened by the lack of interest or realisation on the father’s part that all the boy wanted was some fun.
I watched a woman this morning leave her son alone in a busy hospital waiting room. He was initially playing with another woman’s child. The other woman got up at one point and said “your son is playing inappropriately with my child” and asked the mother to take her child away (the former’s child was about 5 or 6, the latter’s not much older than 2). The first mother just shrugged it off and then left him outside to annoy everyone while she went in for her ultrasound.
Ohhhh I am not going to judge this mum because I don’t know her story, but I do know that ALL our kids want from us is our complete attention. And when you see kids out there just crying out for attention, it’s a little heartbreaking 🙁
I always feel for the kids whose parents are absent even when they are present. Imagine how much they must be craving attention. And while my moments when I can focus solely on my kids are precious, we always reach out to these kids at the playground. I want them to have the example of being kind to and supporting other kids, even the lonely, left-out or un-cool ones. But, I also don’t hesitate to insist on polite behaviour from mine and other people’s kids – taking turns, looking out for the littler kids, etc. The unparented child is often quite happy for the attention and that someone cares enough to provide a boundary.
I would probably have said something to the mum, but I’m a bit confrontational like that!
At the park, sometimes my daughter heads off to play while I have some quiet time to myself. Sometimes we play together and I encourage her to try something new, or spend five hours (or so it seems) pushing her on the swing. Whichever way it goes, I’m watching her every moment. I think it’s so important for kids to know that while it’s okay for their parents not to be by their side constantly, they are always there for them. I hope it was a one-off for that boy, but sadly it doesn’t sound like it.
I don’t know what to say about any of this. When my kids were little, single child families were rare, the neighbourhoods were bursting with siblings. If one was at a playground, so were his/her siblings. Crowds of kids played together.
This lonely child who doesn’t know how to play with others is really sad. Perhaps his mother also doesn’t know how to help him play with others.
I’ve seen kids like that and I always try to include them when I can. It’s hard sometimes, because I’ve come with my kids after all and they are my priority.
Usually I’d agree with you, but right now (having suffered from morning sickness for over 2 months now and being slightly absent myself) I’m glad you are giving this mum the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she was sick and had no help to turn to.
I don’t have kids but I have seen this happening far too often. I am actually reminded of this episode from Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra’s friends visit them with their 4-5 year-old boy. Ray dislikes the boy from the beginning. Turns out that the boy is a menace, and the credit (to some extent) goes to his parents who cover him up at every point.
So there’s also a flip side: Parents can be disengaged with their kids but they can be overly engaged as in cover their kid’s mistakes even when it’s clearly not right.
Sigh. The whole thing makes me wonder how difficult parenting really is. Kudos to my folks and everyone else on this blog!
Love
Pooja
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