For the past month I have had the flu. I know right?! A whole freaking month. Not only have I been feeling supremely sorry for myself, I’ve also spent a lot of time doing not much. This is not good for me because my inner voice amps up and starts pointing out all my flaws. Mainly, it’s been focusing on the fact that I am now at my heaviest, despite committing to my Wobbly series for over a year. I like to self loathe a lot. And man, have I got a lot to self loathe about right now. I am massive. I had to grab my belly folds and hold them back to shave my own bikini line the other day. That should not happen…ever. So, to be clear, I’ve decided it’s time to get back on the health wagon or else my entire vagina will disappear from view never to be seen again. Once this damn cough goes away, I’m going to start exercising again. And stop eating entire tubs of Ben & Jerry ice-cream to self medicate against boredom.
I’ve also been confronted with the ageing process. I’m no spring chicken anymore. I’m not “drive at 40km and aimlessly swerve through car parks” old, but I’ve definitely left the “stay out until 3am” stage of life.
Here’s some telling signs you are getting old:
1) You debate whether you should renew your license for another 10 years, because well…10 years is a long time when you’re over 40.
2) Every time you cough, a little bit of wee comes out. Oh, who am I kidding? A lot of wee comes out.
3) You’re holding your iPad with your arms stretched out to read the words and then unsurprisingly find yourself getting glasses for the first time.
4) You’ve got wrinkly hands, fat ankles and grey in your eyebrows.
5) You think going to bed after 10.30pm is thrillingly risky.
6) You get grumpy when someone repeatedly parks in the same car space you like to park in at the supermarket.
7) You wouldn’t dream of drinking without first having a meal. The saying: “eating’s cheating” just doesn’t cut it anymore.
8) You make groaning sounds when you get up and the thought of kneeling makes you break out in a sweat.
9) Watching the Living Room on a Friday night seems like a perfectly fun thing to do.
10) And the last tell tale sign you are getting old… your kids have started referring to you as “cute”.
Have you got any more signs to add to the list?