For the past month I have had the flu. I know right?! A whole freaking month. Not only have I been feeling supremely sorry for myself, I’ve also spent a lot of time doing not much. This is not good for me because my inner voice amps up and starts pointing out all my flaws. Mainly, it’s been focusing on the fact that I am now at my heaviest, despite committing to my Wobbly series for over a year. I like to self loathe a lot. And man, have I got a lot to self loathe about right now. I am massive. I had to grab my belly folds and hold them back to shave my own bikini line the other day. That should not happen…ever. So, to be clear, I’ve decided it’s time to get back on the health wagon or else my entire vagina will disappear from view never to be seen again. Once this damn cough goes away, I’m going to start exercising again. And stop eating entire tubs of Ben & Jerry ice-cream to self medicate against boredom.
I’ve also been confronted with the ageing process. I’m no spring chicken anymore. I’m not “drive at 40km and aimlessly swerve through car parks” old, but I’ve definitely left the “stay out until 3am” stage of life.
Here’s some telling signs you are getting old:
1) You debate whether you should renew your license for another 10 years, because well…10 years is a long time when you’re over 40.
2) Every time you cough, a little bit of wee comes out. Oh, who am I kidding? A lot of wee comes out.
3) You’re holding your iPad with your arms stretched out to read the words and then unsurprisingly find yourself getting glasses for the first time.
4) You’ve got wrinkly hands, fat ankles and grey in your eyebrows.
5) You think going to bed after 10.30pm is thrillingly risky.
6) You get grumpy when someone repeatedly parks in the same car space you like to park in at the supermarket.
7) You wouldn’t dream of drinking without first having a meal. The saying: “eating’s cheating” just doesn’t cut it anymore.
8) You make groaning sounds when you get up and the thought of kneeling makes you break out in a sweat.
9) Watching the Living Room on a Friday night seems like a perfectly fun thing to do.
10) And the last tell tale sign you are getting old… your kids have started referring to you as “cute”.
Have you got any more signs to add to the list?
WHERE do I start???
When you have to keep turning down the car radio after the P player brings the car back…
When you’re turning down the offer of another drink and reach for a glass of water instead…
When you start laughing at your partner’s dad jokes while the kids roll their eyes…
I’m sure there are more, but I need to go make another pot of tea!!
Oh, and totally get the supermarket carpark spot thing too…how DARE they?!
When people are high up in their important professions are obviously much younger than you (the surgeon I recently visited, a lawyer, etc.).
When someone who I thought was ‘around my age’ turned out to be 10 years younger and says to me: “I didn’t realise you were that old!”
From the perspective of this 45 plus year old it’s when you notice your boobs seem to have moved around to your back, you start growing a moustache and can’t wait to sit down and watch Antique Roadshow.
the fact when I was talking to my teenager about when I was a teenager & ended it with ” well that was 20 years ago”. What the actual fuck?!!!
Also the fact I have to turn the radio down to park because I need quiet to concentrate. Or the fact I comain about my teenagers excessively loud music. Or I say things like ” my daughter is NEVER leaving the house dressed like that!” Or what about when I’m happy to roll a 5pm dinner, that makes me old too yeah?
If my week contains more than 3 nights out (and they might only be till 8.30pm) then that’s a big week..
When you have to scroll what seems like forever to find your year of birth when filling in online forms. Or when a telemarketer calls about social media and you’re too old for the survey (sob!)
Yep, I can relate to all these things, you feel bad, lament your lost youth, but then you think about the alternative – it puts everything back into perspective. Being sick makes you feel down, hopefully you’ll feel better by Spring, and you will be ready to reinvent yourself as your best “mature” self.
My sign? Despite feeling that I still MUST be 45 years old.. My daughter just turned 44.
Sorry you are STILL SICK, B. That STULL SUCKS. Surely not long now??
As for getting old, I’ve realised recently that most music sounds like “background noise”… eeek! Me even ten years ago would be horrified. x
I just plucked a John Howard off my face this morning. A long white curly hair. Tough as too. Luckily it was in my eyebrow and not growing out of a wart.
Or when my threader and I had a “communication mishap” and she started threading the entire side of my face and jawline and without the soft focus of the blonde hair that I didn’t actually realise was there previously, I had all these jowly creases. Argggghhhhh!
PS – I thought I was the only person alive who shaved their bikini line.
Number 10! Yes! Or worse, teenage daughter offers to help you… down step, with bags, over fence……..
When you no longer look at younger staff and think – wow, they’re young (because you’ve been doing that for too many generations of graduates?) – I realised I started thinking ‘how young they are’ when we had new graduates, and I was only 27! Oh, and working as I do with surveys. no longer being able to avoid the ‘middle aged’ column (sigh).
1. When you realise you have neck wrinkles. 2. when songs from the 90’s get re-mixed and you find yourself saying “the original was way better”.