Kids huh? They’re pretty awesome. You feed them, teach them, guide them and love them. If you have concerns you look online, read a book and ask people for guidance. You don’t know what you’re doing most of the time, but you do your best to find out what you can.


But why did no-one tell me these things?

1) Kids are born with a homing device which alerts them to when you are about to do a poo on the toilet. They could be playing happily, but as soon as you sit down on the loo, they come running. It’s been about 7 years now that I’ve been able to shit in peace at home.

2) As soon as you have guests over, or go to someone else’s home, your children will immediately be starving. They’ll need to eat constantly the entire time. Forget thinking you’ll chat over a platter of cheese and a couple of glasses of wine, their little fingers will be constantly reaching over you to grab handfuls of crackers. Instead of reminiscing about dancing to bands in smokey bars, you’ll be repeatedly saying: “That’s enough. This is adult food,” while swooping to shift wine glasses out of the way.

3) Clothes are optional. Forget spending money on cute outfits, your children will spend most of their time nude or wearing their favourite My Little Pony knickers which are two sizes too small for them. Instead of wasting your time asking your kids to get dressed, concentrate on searching for their piles of clothes left all over the house, beside the trampoline, on the toilet floor and in the car.

4) Gone are the days of walking barefoot, all it takes is stepping on a tiny piece of Lego once and you’ll always wear your shoes inside. And don’t get me started on loom bands, you will be finding them in your carpet, under the couch and pretty much everywhere until, well… forever.

5) You will spend far too much time doing cool hairstyles for your children’s toys.

6) As soon as you get into bed and either turn the light off to sleep, start reading your book or think about sex, one of your children will wake up. Every. Single. Time.

7) There will be periods of time when your children would have “done nothing” at school or “don’t remember”. It’s ok, one day they’ll talk to you about it again.

8) You will say: “Put your school clothes on” approximately 50 gabazillion times in your lifetime.

9) There will be a point in time your children will discover your secret stash of chocolate and they will eat it. It’s around this time that they will also discover where you hide their birthday and Christmas presents. Putting something up high, doesn’t work when your kids are taller than you or have mastered the chair to tabletop manoeuvre.

10) When your children cuddle you, your heart will triple in size and tiny fireworks will burst out. That’s a fact.

Here’s some things I do know. What would you add to the list?

bigwords x