Never Ever

It seems that some people are a bit stupid. I don’t mean intellectually. I mean socially, intuitively and on a personal level stupid.

So, here’s a little reminder of what to never ever do to me.

1) Never ever ring me up at dinner time and expect me to be receptive to your charitable organisation’s fundraising initiative. I have three kids. They will eat me whole if I am not constantly feeding them between the hours of 3.15pm and bedtime. I will hang up on you if you call me. I apologise, but I fear for my life.

2) And on the subject of phone calls, never ever ring me after 9pm, unless it’s an emergency. This is because I am either asleep or finally relishing some alone time or working or chatting on Twitter and Facebook or drunk or anything BUT talking on the phone. And also because I always jump to the worst possible scenario. Every time.

3) Never ever tell me I look slimmer because I AM NOT. That’s a crock. Unless I am parading around in front of you in a bikini, don’t say anything about the size of my body. I am slow to face the reality that regular beer and hot chip consumption is not compatible with weight loss. So, no, I am not looking skinnier.

4) Never ever initiate sex when I am snuggled up in bed reading a book on my Kindle, nor try and hump me when I bend over to pick something up or try and get me to “eat your hot salami” when eating a meatlover’s pizza (this one is obviously directed at my husband).

5) Never ever give me directions using actual directions. As soon as you say: “Just head north along so-and-so street and then it’s on the western corner” – you’ve lost me. I need landmark directions like: “Drive towards Big W and then turn at the McDonald’s, until you get to the pub on the corner”. It’s the same with numbers, never ever get me to split a bill or work out a percentage. My brain will seize up.

6) Never ever make a racist joke to me. I will stop you and tell you why I don’t think it’s funny. There will be an awkward silence. You will regret it. I will not.

7) Never ever ask me to parallel park. I will drive four blocks away and walk, rather then humiliate myself. It is not my strong point. I am most probably a viral YouTube video.

8) Never ever ask me to a tupperware party. I made a very public declaration years ago that I will never go to one of those “selling” parties ever again. They are awful. If I wanted to buy an ice cube tray or lipstick or sex toy or underwear – I would go the shops and buy them and then I wouldn’t have to sit in a room with your extended family, dodgy neighbour and long lost school friends drawing stupid pictures and eating finger food. I have limited time away from my children, I’d much rather spend it with people I know and like or alone watching a movie.

9) Never ever talk to my boobs. My boobs do not have anything worthwhile to say, neither do I most of the time, but I know for a fact my boobs do not talk.

10) And the biggest one of all, never ever ask me if I am pregnant. NEVER. As my friend Eden says: “Seriously, you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant until you see a baby half-hanging out of her vagina”. When will people understand that women have bellies that stick out, particularly women who have already had kids. You might even know a woman who affectionately rubs their “food baby” and laughs, but that does not mean you should ever acknowledge it – ever. It’s a trap people. Walk away, change the subject, there’s nothing to see here. And just in case you have the memory of a goldfish I’ll say it again – never ever ask a woman if she is pregnant. Nothing good can come of it.

Got it!

What you would add to the list?

bigwords x