It’s official I will not be winning any Mother of the Year Awards any time soon, unless of course they hand them out for doing shit things. I know everyone has bad moments when they’re a parent, because it’s impossible to be perfect all of the time, but I’ve been racking up mine.
Yet, as I believe it’s important to acknowledge your failures as well as your successes I’ve decided to nominate myself in the little-known Parenting Fail category of the MOTY Awards for all my crappy moments.
BAD THOUGHTS AWARD
For wondering how much to list my 3yo on eBay for after she woke up the entire house this morning at 6.15am, by screaming repeatedly from her bed: “WAKE UP EVERYONE. GET OUT OF BED”.
For threatening to send my kids to live with another family after their continual requests for “something to eat”.
For telling my middle child that if she didn’t eat her dinner that the meal she’d get next would be a “poo sandwich”.
For almost punching out the health nurse who dared to belittle me for my 4yo’s “incorrect pen-holding skills”. This is on the morning my husband went on his 400th million work trip, leaving me with three tired, emotional, unruly children and booking me in to supervise the 4yo’s health check in the first place. This leads me to the next award…
BIG MOUTH AWARD
For telling the kindy teacher that the health nurse was a “fucking mole” and “stupid bitch”.
LAZINESS (OR HAD ENOUGH) AWARD
For feeding my kids Nutella sandwhiches for lunch and considering feeding it to them for dinner as well. At least they eat them FFS.
For managing to make each one of my children cry this week by screaming at them to go away or shut up or leave me alone. This was followed closely by the…
For buying gifts for my kids to try and erase the memory of their Mother losing her shit.
For wondering if simply putting a jumper over the top would disguise the following…
For letting my kids sit for hours on the iPad, iPhone and computer while I work.
For actually getting teary at the thought of leaving my children to escape on a child free break to Darwin. I think it’s sad because WHY AM I TEARY! It’s quite obvious I’d be a better mother if I got a couple of days lounging by a pool, going to markets, having afternoon naps and drinking champagne in the sun. I AM JUST SO TIRED.
BLATANT LIE AWARD
For telling my children, when I kiss them goodnight tonight, before jumping on a plane, that “I wish you were coming with me”. That’s a big fat lie. I’ll miss them and I adore them, but I am super excited to be flying alone. I will watch a movie and drink gin. Is it Darwin o’clock yet? Is it?
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So, for all the parents out there doing it tough – you are not alone. We all say and do crappy things. What matters is you recognise when you need time out, clear your head, relax and get back into it again with a better frame of mind. Everyone needs a break, make sure you get one.
Have you won any MOTY Awards in the Parenting Fail category this week?
PS: And to my Mum – you win the MOTY Award for making this trip possible. What a super cool early 40th Birthday present. xx
PPS: And to my husband for sending me a text at my most frustrated moment telling me what a brilliant job I am doing as a mum, worker, blogger and tantrum coach – I adore you and please make sure there’s chilled champagne on arrival xxx
I not even going to list all the ways that I trump you in almost every category, but I’ll leave you with this t-shirt slogan I saw a woman wearing at Noosa Civic Shopping Centre the other day: “I always knew being a mother would be shit, I just didn’t know it would be THIS shit.”
Needless to say, hugs were exchanged.
And I adore you! Have a fab time gorgeous. You’re a fabulous Mama by the way & all you’ve listed just means you’re a real human being! Xxxx
Having just come back from an awful CHN visit, I’m totally with you. I have even said, “did you eat mummy’s deodorant? Do you think you’ll need lunch?”
Oh this is all GOLD, but the best is the Big Mouth award.
I feel like a substandard mum a lot of the time and I only have one…but this column did make me laugh! Love your honesty!
Thanks for sharing B but this week I completely out do you. It was half way through week 3 of hubby’s 4 week work swing so we are all a little weary by this stage every swing but it does not excuse me calling my 13 year old a ” fuckhead” . I just completely lost my mind because the kid WILL NOT STOP ARGUING with me!!! Every conversation we have right now is an argument & on that day I just couldn’t cope any more. I always promised id never swear at my kids. around them, sure, but never at them!I am officially a crappy crappy mum. I did apologies to him but he told me to get lost & not talk to him….
You go & have the very best relaxing time ever! Instagram the shit out of it so I can live vicariously xx
P.S your posts are coming through Bloglovin anymore- any ideas why?
We can be MOTY together. I do those things constantly. Yay for trips to Darwin!
IMMA LET YOU FINISH but I am pretty sure that my mother has taken out the MOTY award for all time.
Haha, I hear you. Yesterday I actually asked my toddler, ‘Do you TRY to annoy me or are you just good at it?!’ To which she responded, ‘I’m REALLY REALLY good at it! I’m the best! Winner! WINNER! WINNER!’