design-11

I’ve had a lot of sex in the missionary position over the past eight or so years. And by a lot of sex, I mean not that much.

Of course there were the long periods of time when Twiggy and I were “trying to get pregnant”, there was a lot of sex then, also in the stock standard “man on top” position. I read somewhere it helped the sperm travel faster to the egg, so that was what we did. I would also lay on our bed with my legs straight up in the air afterwards for at least 10 minutes. And avoided hot showers. I was desperate for each of our babies. By the time I’d fallen pregnant with each of them we didn’t actually want to sleep with each other at all as we’d “tried” so many times.

I still remember the first time we had decided to “try” for our first baby. There were candles and there was a rug placed outside on the lawn under the stars (we lived in the hills and had no neighbours). We were going to make love and get pregnant right away because that’s what happened in the movies. The movies were wrong. I’m pretty sure the actual reality of conception was a lot less romantic, been over with pretty quickly and might have even had us both saying: “Far out, I hope it works this time.”

And when I did get pregnant, I was not like some women out there who love having sex, I think having one person inside of me at a time is enough. I was really uncomfortable when pregnant and super massive, so it was all too tricky. And let me tell you, having c-sections does nothing for your sex life in the short term, as I’d imagine having stitches in your vagina would also impact it.

Then comes the newborn stage of life, when you try and have sex, but then you think the baby will wake up and catch you at it, but you’re too paranoid to let the newborn out of your sights. So it’s a catch 22 situation. Then there were the months of breastfeeding, which also made sex an awkward proposition, unless I was wearing an industrial sized bra to stop milk from squirting all over the place. Not to mention you are both so tired all of the time.

Seeing that we ended up having three kids, under the age of four-and-a-half, it means that for at least six, of the past eight, years I’ve been either trying to get pregnant, pregnant or breastfeeding. The rest of the time has been a race to the finish line without a kid crying, waking, needing a nappy change, asking for something to eat or storming in to discover their parents doing a “special dance”. And stupidly, we have never got a lock for our bedroom door. I know right?!

How is a couple even able to get intimate if they are so nervous one of their kids is going to barge in any second? Thus the over reliance on the missionary or as I prefer to call it – the “quick the kids are going to catch us” position.

Yesterday, this all changed.

You see, our baby started kindy. So for the first time in eight years we had no children at home and as we both work from home – that was a big deal.

We went to the markets for breakfast, we got some tiles for our new bathroom, we had sex WITH THE DOOR OPEN and it wasn’t the missionary position, we napped, we went and had a burger, we drank beer at the pub and we pretty much walked around with a confused look on our faces. Who even are we without our kids at home?

So, it seems after years of either being too tired, too pregnant, too rushed and too nervous, we have finally clawed back two full days a week that we can “go at it” without our kids catching us. I wonder what happens to couple who have lost themselves during the “dry” years? Do they find it hard to get back on the horse again? Is intimacy a foreign concept? Sex is a vital part of any relationship, yet if you’re not “getting any” at the moment because you’re in the thick of it – pregnancy, newborns and little kids – don’t stress. Get what you can and give yourselves a break. One day soon you’ll find yourself waving your kids goodbye at the school gate and rushing home for “business time”.

Ten minutes it all it takes ; )

Bianca

PS: Apologies to all the school mums reading this. Do not look me in the eye, nor mention this blog post to me, if it’s makes you embarrassed, but remember we’re all “doing it”.