I’ve had a lot of sex in the missionary position over the past eight or so years. And by a lot of sex, I mean not that much.
Of course there were the long periods of time when Twiggy and I were “trying to get pregnant”, there was a lot of sex then, also in the stock standard “man on top” position. I read somewhere it helped the sperm travel faster to the egg, so that was what we did. I would also lay on our bed with my legs straight up in the air afterwards for at least 10 minutes. And avoided hot showers. I was desperate for each of our babies. By the time I’d fallen pregnant with each of them we didn’t actually want to sleep with each other at all as we’d “tried” so many times.
I still remember the first time we had decided to “try” for our first baby. There were candles and there was a rug placed outside on the lawn under the stars (we lived in the hills and had no neighbours). We were going to make love and get pregnant right away because that’s what happened in the movies. The movies were wrong. I’m pretty sure the actual reality of conception was a lot less romantic, been over with pretty quickly and might have even had us both saying: “Far out, I hope it works this time.”
And when I did get pregnant, I was not like some women out there who love having sex, I think having one person inside of me at a time is enough. I was really uncomfortable when pregnant and super massive, so it was all too tricky. And let me tell you, having c-sections does nothing for your sex life in the short term, as I’d imagine having stitches in your vagina would also impact it.
Then comes the newborn stage of life, when you try and have sex, but then you think the baby will wake up and catch you at it, but you’re too paranoid to let the newborn out of your sights. So it’s a catch 22 situation. Then there were the months of breastfeeding, which also made sex an awkward proposition, unless I was wearing an industrial sized bra to stop milk from squirting all over the place. Not to mention you are both so tired all of the time.
Seeing that we ended up having three kids, under the age of four-and-a-half, it means that for at least six, of the past eight, years I’ve been either trying to get pregnant, pregnant or breastfeeding. The rest of the time has been a race to the finish line without a kid crying, waking, needing a nappy change, asking for something to eat or storming in to discover their parents doing a “special dance”. And stupidly, we have never got a lock for our bedroom door. I know right?!
How is a couple even able to get intimate if they are so nervous one of their kids is going to barge in any second? Thus the over reliance on the missionary or as I prefer to call it – the “quick the kids are going to catch us” position.
Yesterday, this all changed.
You see, our baby started kindy. So for the first time in eight years we had no children at home and as we both work from home – that was a big deal.
We went to the markets for breakfast, we got some tiles for our new bathroom, we had sex WITH THE DOOR OPEN and it wasn’t the missionary position, we napped, we went and had a burger, we drank beer at the pub and we pretty much walked around with a confused look on our faces. Who even are we without our kids at home?
So, it seems after years of either being too tired, too pregnant, too rushed and too nervous, we have finally clawed back two full days a week that we can “go at it” without our kids catching us. I wonder what happens to couple who have lost themselves during the “dry” years? Do they find it hard to get back on the horse again? Is intimacy a foreign concept? Sex is a vital part of any relationship, yet if you’re not “getting any” at the moment because you’re in the thick of it – pregnancy, newborns and little kids – don’t stress. Get what you can and give yourselves a break. One day soon you’ll find yourself waving your kids goodbye at the school gate and rushing home for “business time”.
Ten minutes it all it takes ; )
Bianca
PS: Apologies to all the school mums reading this. Do not look me in the eye, nor mention this blog post to me, if it’s makes you embarrassed, but remember we’re all “doing it”.
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
Yep, all school parents have done it at least once, right? I find that there are still ‘dry’ (cough) patches, even now when the kids are all a bit older. Kids are tiring, no matter what and being tired is the ultimate sex killer at our place. But we go okay, regardless. It’s a really important thing to keep having a crack at (so to speak). (‘Hard’ to talk about sex without dropping dreadful puns (said the actress to the bishop)). Cheers to lots of rumpy at your place, two days a week at least! x
Oh there’s still dry spells – kids are exhausting! Your comment was a delight, I read it in the afternoon ; )
Brilliant! I just KNEW this is what you guys would have been up to yesterday. Glad you made the most of it! x
You are very wise my friend xx
This is one of the only perks of being a FIFO wife- husband is home for one week out of five so you go HARD for that week & then its a month long dry spell. Keeps things interesting & you’re always up for it 😉
This comment has so far won comment of the year ; )
I remember writing about sex once and your reply was a one lined “EEeeeeewwwwwww”. So I was expecting to read this and feel the same way. I didn’t. All I could think was – geez those guys are going to be so poor by the end of first term, but so so so happy!
Nicely played, I think everyone should celebrate their kids starting school in the same way. xx
Luckily it doesn’t take all day so we still have time to work!! xx
Haha! Love it! Good on you x
Thanks!
Ha, Kirsty, I thought of you when the lock on the door (or lack thereof) was mentioned! We don’t have a lock on our bedroom door either, so far we’ve managed not to be interrupted. Good on you Bianca for getting down to business!! I keep telling my husband that he should work from home more often, it’s only when I mention the extra benefits he considers it more fully. Enjoy the childfree days!
Yes – he should work from more often! ; )
I was blushing while reading this ha! Sounds like you have a wonderful marriage 🙂 Enjoy!!
Thanks! sorry to make you blush ; )
Hahaha, this did make me laugh. I often say that what’s kept us together all these years is the phrase: ‘It’ll be all right when we get going.’
I have a FIFO husband too and all four kids at school, so daytime delights are part of life… and hooray for hellos and goodbyes. Who can be bothered after 9pm??!!
A lock on the door is essential in our house… we have two big teenagers now who stay up late and like to pop in to visit us. Mind you, they need locks on their doors too!!
Glad it made you laugh and that you too are getting some ; )
Nice one Bianca, you are on bloggy fire this week, and now we know why!
Hahahaha
Love a bit of afternoon delight. One of the many reasons I love working part time and have a husband who can pop home for a full lunch service ;).
Afternoon delight is the best!
“….with the door open and NOT in the missionary position.”
Maseltov!
I’m so thrilled for you. It’s like someone left the gate open. Brilliant. Wonderful. Soul stirring, excellent. The next hurdle, in my experience is when one of you is ill and it’s hard, or rather not. At all. Ever. Difficult to work through. Difficult to try and understand when you’re burning with pain or desire or f*ck it, a bit of both. Life seems to be full of these challenges, all we can ask is for the grace and patience to get through the challenge that’s facing us now. Sounds like you got that down pat. Good on ya chica. Well done.