For the past eight years, I’ve been a mum. For most of that time I’ve worked from home, sometimes only small amounts, sometimes a lot. I started this blog just after the birth of our third child. With three kids under five, it was either blogging or scrunching up into a ball and rocking in the corner. During this time I’ve also volunteered a little for charity, I’ve mentored some other women and I’ve rediscovered my love of rollerskating.
In comparison to other mums out there, I’ve seriously underachieved, I’m not the CEO of a multinational company or foreign correspondent. I haven’t run a marathon or launched a hugely successful music career. I’ve not taken in foster kids or nursed a seriously ill parent or singlehandedly been responsible for the physical therapy of a disabled child. I have not had to negotiate welfare bureaucracy, fighting for the ability to feed, school and house my family. I have not had to walk the streets to pay for my education or dodge bombs or the fist of my husband. I have raised three kids in a middle class, white Australia.
I’ve sobbed on my lounge room floor, feeling crippling self doubt and loneliness, as my newborn babies have wailed into the night. I have crouched next to my child while she gasped for breath, asthma sucking the life from her before my eyes, before doctors pumped the air back in. I have driven through the streets, my whole body shaking with fear as my third child vomited from her hive swollen lips, after peanut butter was ingested for the first time. I’ve cried in the school yard as I’ve watched one of my girls struggle with anxiety. I’ve sat at home too many nights, drinking wine and watching TV, while my kids have slept and the world has done interesting things. I’ve born the scars of three c-sections. My boobs nearly scrape the floor while I walk the familiar school, shopping centre, washing machine route.
I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day, seven days a week. With my husband, I guide three people in the journey of life. There is no greater responsibility.
Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.
I shrug my shoulders, I quieten my voice and I state the fact quickly before deflecting to another topic. Sometimes the conversation continues. How many kids do you have etc? Sometimes the conversation ends. Sometimes the duck and weave tactic works and I then stand listening to an in-depth description of someone’s job which I, at times, have to pretend to be very interested in, unless of course they actually do something interesting.
I’ve been trying not to react with embarrassment anymore, like I am in some way less valued because I took myself out of a traditional working environment to raise kids. I am trying to reply with pride and joy, as I should, that I am a mum. I am a woman, with many varied interests, a bourgeoning career and philanthropic pursuits, who has three children, who I adore. They are my greatest achievement, for to be able to grow human beings is a pretty fucking big deal. To be able to raise children, even if you did not grow them, is a pretty fucking big deal. Being a mother is a pretty fucking big deal.
Us mothers are undervalued. We are often patronised. We are, at times, ignored or overlooked. We are made to feel less worthy as we do not financially contribute to the economy through “simply” mothering. We “do not work”. We are selfless, shells of ourselves, with baby brain and floppy mid-sections. Unless of course we post instagram pics of our amazing post-baby bellies to somehow hide the fact that we birthed children or are in fact mothers at all. Even when we do “work” we are forever reminded of what we’ve sacrificed or the many ways we should feel guilt or shame for “abandoning” our precious babies. And for those mums who do successfully “juggle” the work life balance and become leaders in their fields of business, law, politics, entertainment, art, construction and sport they are forever referred to as the “mum of two kids” or the “mumpreneur” or “mummy blogger“. And the women with no children are all referred to as “childless” which is just as irrelevant to their success. Unsurprisingly, their male counterparts do not ever have to discuss their marital or parental status. No-one ever asks them.
You are always just a mum, regardless of your professional success or your personal struggles. Somehow your greatest achievement is always downplayed.
We are not “just” mums. We are mums. We are freaking super heroes.
From this point I will no longer to refer to myself as “just” anything.
Bianca x
You never cease to amaze me with your wordsmithery (is that a word?!) – you’re bloody amazing. And I adore you. x
I adore you also xx
Perfect! I adored every honest word xx
Thank you x
absolutely Spot On, Bianca. I’m done with apologising. We are awesome
Go you x
I once had a family member say to me she wanted to be “more than just a mum”, I was horrified! I wanted to shake her and tell her bit to wish it away, not to hide from it, be embarrassed or ashamed. Those of us lucky to be mums through choice or circumstance are blessed to know and experience life in a very different way. Experiencing life through the eyes of a child (a child you made) is enchanting, inspiring, heartbreaking, funny, sad and so much more. I’m so sad when women label themselves and feel shame. Bianca you’re a mum! It’s part of what defines you but not ALL of what defines you. I take my hat off to mums, it’s a tough gig! Puff your chest out peacock and be proud…and hey hats off to you because you’re a mum of 3!
You are totally wonderful xx
I love this! I’m going to try really hard not to say I’m ‘just a mum’ too (you know, with that little shrug, just a mum, whatever) xx
Hooray – you can do it x
Just freaking fabulous more like!!! x
mwah x
So true, and so beautifully written.
thank you x
So true, and beautifully written.
Love this, Bianca! If you haven’t already, you MUST read Naomi Stadlen’s ‘What Mothers Do… Especially When It Looks Like Nothing.’ It’s an absolute rallying cry for the importance of ‘just’ mothering, and why society as a whole should value us ‘just’ mums a shit-ton more.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-especially-nothing/dp/0749926201
A shit-ton more without a doubt! I’ll take a look, thanks Laura x
You know, I haven’t done any of those extraordinary things either and I’m not even ‘just a mum’. I think all us women need to start holding our heads up high and being proud of our lives, our achievements, ourselves. Because everything you have done as a mother is so incredibly admirable – and damn extraordinary I reckon! And everything I have done as a ‘childless’ full time employee is pretty damn great too… And there is so much inspiration we can all share with each other no matter the different paths we are walking. Thanks for this beautiful, insightful post Bianca!
YES – we are all extraordinary. Love your truth. Thank you x
I have battled this so much too. Beautiful post xx
Thanks sweetheart x
Love this. Makes me want to be more aware of how I reply when someone says ‘so are you focusing on being a mum or…’ and I say, ‘no yadda yadda’ and cut them off quite quickly so that they know for sure I do something important… Raising little people is the most important thing we could ever do. This post was a super beautiful reminder 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and yes, you are right – really important and amazing xx
I was “just” a secretary for my first few years of working life. I hated it when people asked what I did and somehow felt small every time I had to say it. When I finally made my way into the industry I coveted in a job I loved I grew about a foot taller. I realise now that we are never just one thing, we are many things. What we were, what we are, what we’re hoping to be. Beautiful post.
So true Kirsty – we are so many different things and for many it’s not what you do but what sort of person you are. Thank you x
Man, I wanted to cry reading this and then I had the urge to jump up and wave a flag and start a fucking revolution. Amen sister, a-fucking-men. Thank you.
Let’s start a revolution xx
You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever said, “I’m just a mum”. When asked, I would say “I look after my kids.” I always saw my role just as important as that of my ex who was at the time working full time. As you described, there is nothing “just” about being a mum. You are a MUM.
I love your comment. Thank you x
So brilliantly written. Mothers aren’t a ‘just’. Our role is so important no matter what we choose to pile on our plate.
Very true. Thx
Amen to that sister. And there is nothing harder, more gratifying, joyful or terrifying. Love your work lady. x
Best mum post I’ve read!! You have just described me, almost to a T and I could hug you right now! You certainly are a super hero, we all are! I am going to try and not be ‘just’ a mum too. Go you xx
Oh gosh that’s very lovely x
Just love this Post thank you from just a grandma
thank you for reading x
This is perfect. Thank you, I needed to read this today x
I hope it made you smile x
When someone asks me what I do, or when filling in forms, I say “I mother”. Succinct.
perfect x
I am a mother to two beautiful, amazing, perfect children. I wish often that I could say “I’m just a mum”, yet I work full time and cringe when I tell other parents. I am jealous of the time other mum’s get to spend with their children, watching them grow up. I would love to be the one to take them to school each day and pick them up and help with their home-readers. Never feel ashamed to say you are “just a mum”. You have have a pretty perfect job as far as I’m concerned!
Oh honey I hate to think you feel judged in any way. I bet you are a super amazing mum, who has amazing quality time with your kids xx
I like this. When I’m on maternity leave, I often fall in to the trap of saying/thinking “I’m just a mum”. But maybe that’s because all mums are superheroes…and us mums aren’t any better than any other mum…so we say “just a mum” knowing the other mums think how awesome that is cos they get how awesome and hard it is. I do hear it in my profession too..”I’m just a nurse/just a midwife/just a student” etc. I don’t think it’s cos people think they are “just a..” But rather cos they don’t want to big note themselves??
I love your take on it. I also reckon women tend to do it. I wish we were more ego driven sometimes. Thanks xx
Yes! You have articulated beautifully what I have also felt these past six years. Being a mum is the most important and fulfilling ‘work’ I will ever do. Mothers rock!
we are rockstars x
There is so much I love about this post B. You’re an amazing writer. The only person who undervalued my contribution to society was my ex-husband. He constantly spoke of the time I wasted at university. He questioned the hours I spent helping at school and working from home around my babies. Now that he’s an ‘ex’ I realise what a negative spin he put on those vital years I dedicated to my little humans. But hey, I don’t regret a moment of being ‘just a mum’. The relationships I built with my children doesn’t equate to a dollar value – they’re priceless.
thy certainly are priceless. We are so very lucky x
You are not “just a mum” – you are a fucking rock star with magical words springing out of your fingers. Being a mum is the most privileged – and most boring – thing I have ever done. I freaking love it.
Thanks for putting into words how thousands and thousands of women feel every day. xx
and thank you for supporting me. Love you x
Fuck yeah mums!
Fuck yeah!
Today is my mum’s 68th birthday. She is the most amazing person I know.
She baked bread for us when we were growing up because money was tight. She sewed our clothes when we were growing up (probably because that too was a lot cheaper) and the clothes were so fabulous our friends were jealous of the stylish touches she added such as strips of tartan on our jeans when the Bay City Rollers were huge. She has supported her three children without judgement all the way..and continues to back us to this day through our divorces and other hurdles of life.
She;s not “just a mum” …she’s just a supermum…and your kids will see you that way one day. Ignore the programming and bullshit external stuff and keep following your heart.
Your mother sounds truly wonderful. How lucky you are to have her and her you x
You are a Mum, a freakin amazing woman, and like all my favourite people a blogger. #yay
Thank you for celebrating the beauty of motherhood, thank you for reminding me what an important role I’m charged with. I just love being a Mum, I even love the hard stuff, mostly. For the longest time we didn’t think we were going to be parents, and then we were. She is on top of my gratitude list every day. The decision to have one child wasn’t ours to make, it was decided for us. I’ve written and re-written this comment, and I can’t get it quite right. So now I’m closing the laptop and putting my daughters Mother through the shower and to bed. Sweet dreams wonderful Mum, sweet dreams <3
Thanks sweetheart for such a lovely thoughtful comment x
I’m just a Mum too. It’s what I want to do & I hope I get to do it for as long as I can!! I feel ridiculously guilty telling people that, because I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to afford to stay home with my kids, not everyone has that luxury. Loved your post, wish I’d written it!!! 😉 X
This so made be smile! I had an unexpected cry from nowhere with some close girlfriends on exactly this. I’m just a mum. I’m not a part time teacher or nurse racking in extra cash. I’m with my boys every day but what I do notice is that they’re FULL of personality and I did that 🙂 they’re not young for long so making the most if it, even if they do drive me crazy!!
I am a mum of 3 (twins included), I stayed home for 5 years – I actually had people ask me what I did all day. Well what the hell do you think I did!!! Ate bon bons really…. One woman said If I stayed home I would be soooo bored… It was just a put down- everyone has their own baggage I realise.. Jealousy from other mums is the biggest time waster of your life. I now work 4 days a week and its the most unrewarding waste of my time…When someone says oh you don’t work or some other snide comment- walk away, and if that person is part of your circle- get a new one…. My mum is now in a nursing home and guess what her kids are the ones that are their for her. No job will ever come visit you when your old,and no -one ever said I wished I had worked more when they are dying….
I am a mum of 3 (including twins) and I have been asked by other mums what do you do all day… Really what the hell do you think I do all day.. eat bon bons and sunbake… I actually had someone tell me if they were at home they would be soooo bored, well I am back at work 4 days a week now and it’s the biggest time waster of my life… It’s not always easy being at home that’s for sure, but far better to be able to go to your kids awards days etc than stuck at work… Everyone has their own jealousy and I think anyone who makes you feel bad about looking after your kids is a fool. My mum is now in a nursing home and its her kids that are there for her.No job will ever come visit you and no-one ever said on their deathbed- gee I wish I had worked more…. Kids grow up so quick that is for sure. I now have a child in high school and really they don’t want you hangin around the school gate. Enjoy the time when they are young- It goes fast….
I love this too. Running my own business and studying and having every unimaginable disaster befall us in the last year has me only knowing two things for sure right now. I want to hang out with my husband and three children and I love all children. My ambition seems to have taken a holiday and left the important things for me.
I think we worry that we are not interesting enough by being at home – & being someone who is interested in people I find ALL people are interesting – I look at it as my job to find out what’s interesting about others. Granted some people who identify too strongly in one particular area – be that their career, their kids, their renovations, their football team or some such are a little harder to discover what sets them apart, but we all have our own unique history, journey and ideas and that is what attracts me to a conservation or friendship not what they necessarily “do” – be that a stay-at-home Mum, a career person or someone who works purely for the income.
Super Hero! Definitely. I like that term! My good friend used to get so cranky when girls up here used to refer to themselves as “just a jillaroo” – thanks for a good read. I agree with everything. Oh and I can so relate to rocking in a corner crying, although in my case I prefer the walk in wardrobe as my preferred crying hole, in hope that no child will ever find me! ha ha ha.
The word “just’ causes so much angst and judgment and I think it’s time to change that preconception. So instead of saying you are “just a Mum”, “just a secretary”, or whatever other “just” seems to imply that you are not enough – why not say “I just try my best each day with everything I do.” Can’t put that “just” down because no one can ask you do to more!
thank you! I needing reminding of this. We are mums and we are awesome. No just about it. Xxx
This post rings so true to me! I love love love it x Awesome work x
This is so well written and hits home to me so much. I used to say all the time “I’m just a Mum” until someone pulled me up on it…that person…my Husband. He used to get so upset that I would call myself just a Mum. So not that long ago I stopped using the word just in between I’m and Mum. I now say it with pride because quite honestly it’s the greatest thing I have ever done and that is to be a Mum x
WOW! Absolute total and utter SUPER HEROES!
So many times during those first few years I thought, “I’m an intelligent woman. So why am I dealing with pooey nappies and doing this mind numbing job?” Being a mother can be so unsatisfying, so much of the time. Yet in everything we do, we are showing our children what life is all about. When I had children I knew THIS is what life was all about. No more negative thinking for me. I take pride in what I do, and THAT’S what matters.
I think we should answer “I’m a women” whether you have kids or not, work or WFH or raise children, I don’t know a women that doesn’t strive in every part of her life to juggle it all for her, her partner or family.
We are not ‘just’ anything & it’s certainly time to remove that specific word from our response. Thank you for reminding us all. xx
This is exactly why I wrote Enlightenment Through Motherhood – also after I had my third child and couldn’t believe that my birthing and mothering achievements were so often dismissed with the question ‘When are you going back to work?” BACK to work?! Link to book details here if you’re interested http://www.voicedialogue.com/books-videos-audios/enlightenment-motherhood/ (a crash course on Eastern spirituality showing how what mothers do is remarkably similar to techniques for achieving enlightenment.)
I have now been at home full time for 20 yrs raising my 3. Yes it can be lonely and boring especially when we moved from the Uk 8 yrs ago and I discoverd most Australian women work out of the home and quite often full time. However, I feel so privileged to be able to stay home. When it all feels tedious I hold on to the bigger picture of what I am actually doing ;serving and growing a beautiful family . I vaguely thought about returning to uni and doing my midwifery as I am already a nurse but haven’t worked in 20 yrs. My 15 yr old came and sat on my lap and said but who would I chat to , who would I have afternoon tea with. That was enough to remind me what I do counts and actually I don’t want to change it.
Signing some paperwork at the bank for a car lain the other day with my husband I was asked about my current employment. I said oh I am still on maternity leave. How old are the little ones the bank teller asked. Umm.. 21, 19, and 15.
I do think I have it easier than mums that have to juggle work and family. For us it has paid huge dividends with our children. I am grateful.
I love, love, LOVE this post! I always feel somewhat less of a person when people ask me what I do and I say I’m a stay at home mum {technically Im still on mat leave, but I don’t intend on going back}. When in reality this is what I’ve wanted to do for years {after a long infertility battle} so I shouldn’t feel guilty or judged for it at all.
Hooray to that! We are often our worst PR.
Beautifully written & you are so right. Wow, its like one of the most important jobs ever! Raising little human beings is a huge deal. I love being at home with mine & because I’ve spent 10 years at home with them I’m now almost completely unemployable. Yet my skill set has probably expanded by a trillion over that time. Anyway, I don’t care. I’ll take my best skills & try desperately to help support the family & ever growing expenses. But from home. On my terms. With my children all around.
Noble & worthy us mums are!