What a completely ridiculous blog post heading – I was fat shamed by a Crows supporter. I don’t even watch football so why would I care if one of their supporters is an insensitive prick? Well, I do because he hurt me.
You see, I was out at a pub last night for some rare kid-free time with my husband. We were at a mates birthday. She works in TV and there were a heap of cool media types. People who I hadn’t seen for a long time. I’ve aged and got wider since the last time we’d worked together and I was feeling a little nervous. And to be honest, with three kids, going out on a Friday has become a bit of a distant memory.
Since I started working full-time and traveling a lot I’ve put on another 10 kilos on an already sizeable frame. There’s no escaping my reality and I’ve become even more self conscious of how I look.
I’d spent the week trying to work out what to wear. I wanted to feel good about myself. I didn’t want to stick out further than I already do. Whenever I leave my house I feel like there’s a big arrow pointing at me – it flashes “fat person”.
Last night I got dressed and put on too much make-up. I felt ok. Not amazing, but ok. I had a fabulous dinner at a Japanese restaurant with my husband. Met friends for a drink and headed to the pub. Once I was inside, and had downed a few beers, I’d forgotten my insecurities. I was having a wonderful time catching up with friends and meeting new people.
When it was time to leave, I went to look for my husband and without realising I stopped in front of three middle-aged men, in their Crows gear. They were drowning their sorrows because their team had just loss. I got eye contact with one of them and he smiled at me. I smiled back, all the while scanning the room for my husband. And then the man yelled out to me: “I see you got the Fat Friday memo” and his mates all laughed at his hilarity and at me.
It was like an arrow in my heart. I wanted to cry, but did not give him the satisfaction.
I calmly walked closer to him so he could hear me, looked him in the eyes and told him he was arsehole.
And just like that, the big flashing arrow alerting everyone to my size returned, worse still I’d been publicly humiliated and shamed.
I found my husband and my friends and we left.
I told no-one. I was too embarrassed. I was too ashamed.
When I later started to sob in bed. I told my husband what had happened. To say he was angry would be an understatement. He reminded me that what ignorant strangers think of me is meaningless. He told me I was beautiful. He reminded me of how loved I am.
I haven’t written this for sympathy and pep talks about how I have such a great “personality” and it’s what’s on the inside that counts. I know all of that. Writing about things makes me feel better. I am without doubt not the only person that this has happened to and it makes me angry. I just hope that people read this and it makes them realise how hurtful words can be.
In the meantime. I don’t think I’ll go out again for awhile.
I won’t give you sympathy- as you say, that’s not the point. But I do know how awful and hurtful it is. That’s all.
Thanks for understanding x
I am sorry that you met someone who thought it was their privilege to make you feel bad. What a loser.
Complete loser xx
I too wear that arrow and have mastered the fuck off look … All we can say is there r wankers in the world. well i could probably add a shit load more but won’t but it’s not my rant this time, just know I would happily share a champas with you, love ur posts, ur honesty and we unfortunately can’t rid ourselves of the dickheads… As much as we plan their gruesome demise
Thank you x
I’ve had several people ask me the dreaded “When is your baby due” question… In light of the fact I have never been pregnant, one could only assume they were insinuating I was a chubster…
I’m not going to lie, it hurt, all 3 times its happened. Some people are just dicks and this guys sounds like a massive one!
Thank you x
Gosh that sux. Thanks x
I am incredibly impressed that you walked and told him to his face what arsehole he was – that took way more balls than he had!!! Sometimes people just suck.
Good on you for sticking up for yourself – I think I would have used some words a little more aggressive then arsehole. Love you exactly the way you are xx
What as absolute dick. No doubt his charming personality contributes to the fact that he was out with two blokes, rather than some ‘lucky lady’ by his side…’cough cough’.
Well done for being so controlled and only calling him an asshole, if it was me he would probably have that beer down his shirt.
Thank you x
Oh how so very hurtful… I can’t believe there are such appalling people amongst us. I work with people with disabilities and my god, some of the cruelty they have to put up with in the public arena… I despair. Much comfort to you xx
Thank you x
Wow You!!! For going up to him and calling him on his behaviour. The standard we walk past is the standard we accept.
Oh Bianca, what an asshat.
I’ve been that person there, standing on there on the receiving end of hateful words targeted at me when I least expect. I’ve had it happen so much that I start thinking of comebacks before people say them, who never even say them.
I want to give you a hug, and tell you to go out. Don’t let that asshole win or even still a speck of your sunshine. If I was there, I would have stood up for you and made it into an empowering moment or something, just like my sisters have done for me.
You know that only people who have their own odd insecurities would say such a thing. Secure, strong, amazing people don’t bring people down… I hope that the man that said those words learnt something on that night.
You go on and be your fabulous self. You’re doing amazing things in this world, and you should go and put your feet in the grass and let that moment go. It is over. It no longer exists in your mind. You have taken what you need from it. Let it go. xx
Thanks so much for your beautiful thoughts x
He was an arsehole, and so were his drunk slobbery mates. Good on you for reminding him.
Oh sweetie, that’s not “fat shaming” that’s just pure ignorance.
For anyone to think they have a right to talk/ridicule someone they don’t even know in public just shows how small and ignorant this arsehole was.
Never apologise about how you look, you are who you are!
Thank you x
That’s so hurtful – what has the world come to? There’s absolutely no excusing his behaviour (or his mates for not calling him out on it?!) but please don’t take it on. It says sooo much more about them than you. Sending hugs. xxx
Yes, it’s happened to me before and a time I remember in particular was in a shopping centre and a comment by a nasty young man and his friends. Interestingly, like you I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t tell anyone – as if it was a terrible secret I had to bear alone.
A long time later I mentioned the incident to a close friend and told her it made me paranoid when I was around the type of people who could (possibly) be rude enough to say something.
‘Fuck em,’ she said.
But I pondered why it hurt so much. I was (and am) fat. Did I not think anyone noticed? I wondered – was it that he said something, or the way he said it.
I realised I’d never comment on anyone’s appearance and expect the same of others…
I also wondered if he thought about what he said later, and felt a little bad.
That makes me so angry for you. Thank you for reading x
I have no words, just empathy. I have piled weight on recently and I’m feeling vulnerable about it. To say that experiencing that would be like a little death, wouldn’t be an understatement. I am so sorry some people are such shits.
Thank you x
Yes, it’s happened to me too and I felt exactly like you have. But you know what, your husband is right and that arsehole’s comments say so much more about him than it does about you. Such a funny old world… It’s ok to be a complete prick but it’s not ok to be overweight! Good on you for calling him out. Now big breath and back on that horse – you’re worth it 😘
I feel your pain, been there and got the t-shirt. Some people operate from a totally sucky life manual, that’s just not same that we operate from. When people are that vile I just remind myself of how much they may hate themselves inside to reflect out such hurtful venom on others. I send up a silent pray, wish them well and hope the A-hole finds the cure for whatever made them so bitter and cruel. Sending you buckets of LOVE & HUGS.
OMG that is terrible! Why do people think they have to right to talk to someone like that? That’s absolutely appalling. I do hope you get to go out again and please don’t let these words bring down your sails. xx
Oh sweetie, what an ignorant fool. I also have responses all ready in my mind. I work with teenagers and they have no problem commenting on your appearance with the pure intent to embarrass and insult me. My best response is- when i eant to i can change that at any time, you however can never change your ugly heart shown by your ugly words.
Another one that would be particularly good for him would be – well yes I really like excess and obviously you have none and glance at his crotch!
You probably did the tight thing and kept it simple and didn’t start a war, which i tend to do quite well! Ha.
The guy was a moron and I’d be going somewhere more upmarket with polite and respectable people.
Ouch. I’ve felt similar things before. For me it hurt the most when something about how I look was said by someone I was getting to know and had thought was a deep and nice guy. I actually never even told anyone what he said as it made me feel so deeply shithouse. Maybe he even didn’t mean to be mean..but just thinking of the incident brings back the pang of pain and disappointment.
So yeah..I hear you sister. It’s so sad how some people never get that how anybody looks is just the packaging. All the good stuff is inside us. I worked with you briefly years ago but know you better through your blogs. I can see you are honest, loving, clever, witty, compassionate, hilarious, unprocessed and fabulous.
Don’t let anyone let you believe otherwise…and go out asap with good, pure people ..wearing your favourites and bright red lippy.
So I was fat shamed by my mother the other day. It still hurts. Im a mum of two kids. The youngest is 11months. I am currently 5kg heavier than I was before my first. I was trying on dresses for my little ones first birthday. My mother pointed out all the areas I needed to loose weight from and then said “Don’t you want to look nice for your husband “.
The final sentence of this breaks my heart. I would like you to reconsider going out again. You have every right to. You made new friends that did not care about your size. You caught up with the people who love you. If you wanted to stay in because you actively dislike getting out normally that would be one thing but these assholes have no right to rob you of a good time and you owe it to yourself not to let them!
I don’t want this to sound crude or remotely hurtful; but you say you are unhappy and self conscious about body image, etc…What I don’t understand is why would you not do something about it rather than just writing about it? If you put the same amount of effort into whining and complaining about things as you did into your own health and happiness then it may fix things.
I struggle to understand blogs of this nature, they are not educational or informative…what is society meant to gain from reading this?
I don’t think being overweight means that others have the right to humiliate you. In the same way that appearing stereotypically gay does not give others the right to make homophobic slurs and wearing a veil should not result in being insulted. I am in the process of loosing a lot of weight and I definitely feel healthier overall but when I was at my largest, I was also profoundly depressed for a variety of other reasons. A big barrier to initially loosing was that i wanted to hide away. I don’t regret loosing the weight but I don’t see that anyone else had the right to make hurtful remarks to me when I was larger. This argument is essentially saying that unless fat people loose weight they have no right to a social life.
I wouldn’t let one stupid male stop me from going out and enjoying myself. I am overweight and you know what I don’t really care what others think these days. Especially people who don’t know me. I refuse to listen or take on what others choose to call me. I know who I am and am confident enough to go out and enjoy myself.
Take care and go and have fun!
Unfortunately, women of non-white backgrounds have even worse comments made about them. I have a friend who regularly has comments such as “Would you f*** a n*****?” made about her in a loud sneering voice as she has walked by. The insults aren’t just by men. She has been referred to as a “black dog” by women walking by even though she is attractive to non-racists. I have read numerous articles on “fat-shaming” and articles on racism, but never any articles on racism and sexism combined to denigrate non-white women.
I’m sorry to hear about your bad end to a good night. Unfortunately, we will never rid the planet of wankers like that deadbeat but you can be sure that all of your friends and the greater non-douchebag world (who are the vast majority) are completely blind to any flashing arrow on anyone. Hopefully one day this crappy person will learn a lesson by being on the end of a comment that hurts and humiliates … and Karmas the crap out of him.
It sucks. But don’t think its only men that say it.
Women think the bald or fat quips are so funny. Mate of mine cops it weekly.
Hi Bianca … Not that I need to read the book “Embrace” or see the movie “Embrace” or jump on board the “Body Image Movement” to feel good about myself, but I must say after seeing and reading and joining the FB site, I feel great, more confident and feel better about myself.
On the outside people see me as a confident person, but in the shower, or changing my clothes (especially in the change rooms of a boutique where I have selected some great fashionable clothes – try them on, and then the look of horror as you check yourself out in the mirror) … it is a totally different thing!
After seeing the movie “Embrace”, I know I am strong and fit, am in my 50s, mother of 2, grandma of 1, play a mean game of tennis, and go to body balance twice a week to keep my body healthy. I find I now walk a bit taller (which is always a good thing), and just generally feel better about myself, and don’t worry about what others think! I know I am a good person, and am loved by my family and friends…and to me this is what matters the most!
Love yourself Bianca. You could have told him “Yeah man, I can lose weight anytime, but you will always be an arsehole!)
It never ceaes to amaze me how people think it’s okay to comment on someone elses’s appearance. I wear a lymphodema sleeve, as a side effect after an operation, and most people don’t comment on it, but once when I was walking through a cafeteria, a complete stranger said ‘What’s wrong with your arm”? I explained, briefly and walked on, but thought to myself, ‘I’d never ask someone I didn’t know such a personal question”.
That’s a horrible thing for anyone to say to another individual, however I do feel the need to point out what he was wearing and his affiliation to a sporting club unnecessary.
I’m terribly sorry to hear of your dreadful mistreatment and I’m positive this individual was an ignorant prick but i’m sure the fact he was wearing an Adelaide Crows jumper has nothing to do with it. You have essentially just “club shamed” someone.
Making it part of your headline too implies you feel that the “Crows” are somewhat responsible. If this is the case we may as well generalise to ever aspect of the individual, (hair, gender, looks – which I’m sure you advocate against given your piece).
It hurts…alot. I have also been in that situation. i was shocked beyond belief and have told no one and it was years ago, yet I still carry it with me. Unfortunately i have also been fat shamed by former partners….they like to get you where it hurts…hit our weak spots. It must make them feel better about their weaknesses as nasty men.
hold your head high, stay strong, be proud that you have a body that gave you 3 wonderful kids.
I have such empathy for you and he is clearly trying to make himself feel better but I do find it odd that the title involves a Crows Supporter. It reminds me of those racist people who tell you a story and they mention someone’s race when it’s completely irrelevant.
Thank you for sharing your experience Bianca. It somewhat made me feel not so much “the only one”, who has felt like this.
I was the over weight kid, that at age 5 I can still recall being at a party for a 8 year girl. I was painfully shy and to make things worse, she instigated the game “piggy in middle”… Instead it was changed to “fatso in the middle” of course I was the fatso, who regardless of catching the ball, was forced to stay in the middle the who time. Whilst girls all too glee in giggling and calling me fatso, as they through the ball over my head, to one another.
In my teens, I had a growth spurt, ate little and became a skinny person. The people that were mean to me when I was little, still hated me. Only this time because I was pretty, so they found something new to pick on me. My voice… I spoke to slowly.
Now an adult woman with four children, I’ve put on so much weight that I too dress going out and feel that arrow pointing at me. I’ve head an elderly woman jab me in the stomach and shake her head in disgust… That was after child number one and 25 kilos lighter than what I am even now!
Three years ago at a party a male friend said infront of a crowd, “you could really do with losing weight”.
Then when I was at a New Years Party an obnoxious man again in front of a crowd, asked me “have you got another one for on the way?”
Each time, I have been unfortunate to have one of these horrible encounters, the worse part is the awkward silence. The fact that not once anyone stepped up and defended me. A plain “that is so rude and inappropriate” would have done.
Instead I am always left to contemplate, the feeling of fat and isolated. Even though if I logically look at these people that feel comfortable in making me feel uncomfortable, it’s apparent they are miserable human beings. They need to put us down because they are that unsatified in their own lives it makes them feel a little better.
I think maybe you can take some solace knowing this d*ckhead probably still lives with his Mum, works with a stop/go sign and last slept with an actual human… never. A pathetic, weak, tiny minded little man who is still cracking the same jokes from grade 9. The biggest thing that struck me about your story was how you reacted. Wow!
I apologise on behalf of crows supporters with class and respect for others, I had this happen to me at a party as I went to take a bite of birthday cake and said I hadn’t tasted this flavour before a short bald man said oh I thought someone your size would have tried all cakes, I was shocked and hurt, he just walked away, I wish I had said something but I didn’t. Thesepeople are rude, ignorant , often not attractive themselves but with a small ego , good luck, please hold your head high, give them hell and don’t let the bastards grind you down