Let me introduce myself. My name is Bianca Wordley.
I’m a blogger. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged on my beloved Bigwords site and I thought I better reintroduce myself to you. It’s been so long in fact, that a spammer started writing bullshit blog posts on my behalf and uploading them onto my site without my knowledge or consent. I deleted them quick smart, apologies if you had the misfortune of reading them. Fingers crossed it doesn’t happen again.
When I’m not blogging, I’m working as a media coordinator for Oxfam Australia. I launched their first blogging program earlier this year. I’m really proud of it. And I’m really proud of the bloggers who have partnered with us. It’s a big world out there and it’s so heartening to work in a field that helps drive change for the better.
Oh yeah, and I’m a mum to three super rad girls. They surprise me every day with their intellect, empathy, insight, ability to piss me off, thigh slapping sense of humours and their unconditional love. Man, being a mother brings out the best and worst in me. It’s a such a ride. I’m also married to a kick-arse dude called Twiggy, who without fail makes me laugh out loud every single day, except when he’s not and I want to burn him with my fire shooting eyeballs. We should be having more sex, but I’m always so freaking tired. And that, my friends, is marriage. It’s awesome. I’m also a daughter, raised in a single parent home with no brothers and sisters. I have a great mum. I’m lucky. Sometimes I could do with some brothers and sisters though. That would be good.
I suppose you could say I’m a friend to many, but at present that seems like a bit of an untruth. I feel very disconnected and it’s my own fault. I didn’t even organise birthday drinks as I didn’t want to put anyone out. Lame really. Same goes for being an active member of my kids’ school community, bit of dud there too.
When I’m not working, mothering and susbstandard-ly wife-ing, I half heartedly clean, shop and carry out other mind numbing home duties and only with one ear open show interest in the detailed descriptions of the house renovations my husband is consumed with at present. He is seriously amazing, building us more house to live in so we don’t feel so crowded anymore. Far out it’s crowded.
Basically, at the moment I’m a Jill of all trades and a Queen of none.
I am doing the work/family/life juggle and all my balls have flown off in different directions. I don’t even know where some of them are.
I’ve taken to watching Made In Chelsea marathons on my iPad in bed to try and clear my head of all the noise. Quiet times are long forgotten, so too is personal space. At times, I struggle to find my joy. I’m too busy concentrating on what tasks need to be done next and after that and after that and after that and after that. I forget to stop planning and just relish the life I’ve been lucky to build. I don’t have time to stop. And when I do, I don’t have the energy to do anything.
I am finding it hard to keep my head above water, despite my legs moving super fast.
I stress eat.
I hide away under my covers at night in an attempt to get some quiet moments, instead of getting outside and moving my wobbly body. I’ve put on all the weight I lost during last year and then a whole lot more. I wear a lot of jeggins and free flowing tops in an attempt to hide it. It doesn’t work.
I feel like I’m letting people down by not being there. I’m letting myself down by not being there. I simply can’t. I am running, but getting nowhere.
On the flip side, I am gaining confidence at work every day and have some really exciting things coming up. Really exciting. I’ll tell you more about them next week. I promise.
I have vowed to get my blogging going again. I need it. My head will explode without my precious outlet to share my thoughts and bottled up emotions. I write them down and almost instantly they are not so bad anymore. So yes, I will write more and this makes me feel lighter already.
My girls are really happy and I have been making them my priorities. Sometimes this is at the expense of my own much-needed quiet times. They need a mum who is present. I’ve found this super important now I work a nine-day fortnight and travel a lot. When I’m in their space I need to be there 100 per cent. And for that reason, and the amazingness of Twiggy who does everything, they are happy. We have special adventures together and there’s lots of cuddles. Many conversations about their strengths. Lots of confidence building. Confidence that they know I am here, even when I am not in the room. It’s important they know they can be strong in the knowledge I have their backs.
Our house renovation is steadily moving along and I can see a time soon where we won’t all be cramped into a small two bedroom house. I feel confined and surrounded by our stuff. A fine dust has settled on everything, a little like me. It’s shiny underneath, but at the moment it’s being hidden.
The sun has finally come out, after what has been a very wet winter and grief is not such a stranglehold anymore. More challenges await those I love. These will be overcome. I know it. Life throws curveballs and when you’re only just managing yourself, it’s hard to give you’re all to others. I must be more present.
But I can see some light, I can feel the warm glow that comes when you’ve been wrapped too tightly and the bandages start to unravel. Things are getting easier.
I’ve been quite overwhelmed with the adjustment to “working mother of three”, but I look around me at some amazing role models – women who have been doing this juggle for a long time – and I know I am not alone in my struggle to keep up. We are all just doing our best. We have some wins every week and some losses. Time is a whole lot more precious when you feel like you’re being stretched in every direction, you account for every moment, you have to.
To all the people in my world who I’ve seemingly abandoned over recent months, please know you are not far from my mind. The good ones know that I am doing all I can. I am focusing on my kids, my husband, my house and my job. I am getting all my ducks lined up and settling into my new way of living. I am working out strategies to best deal with my overwhelm. I am slowly bit-by-bit getting better at balancing everything and letting go of things that once were important so I can free up my time for myself and those I love.
Once I get back on my feet, so to speak, I’ll be back out there, engaged with the world again.
I bet I’m not the only person feeling this way? How are you all going? It’s been a long time – let’s chat. Tell me what’s going in your world?