I’ve been going to some extreme measures to lose weight lately.

First off, there was the dismal attempt at the Lemon Detox Diet. I still can’t believe that I handed over one hundred bucks to purchase cayenne pepper and natural tree syrup. It didn’t even include the lemons for fuck’s sake. I lasted half a day before I thought I’d pass out and vomit. It was so vile.

Then I uttered the words: “Maybe a bout of gastro is what I need?” And just like that, the God of Stupidity went BAM and gastro appeared. Of course, I had to suffer through my three kids and husband falling prey to the awfulness before I got it. I lost three kilos and then followed it up with the “I just won’t eat much so I keep it off diet”. That lasted one week. I have now put it all back on, and then some.

Most of my ridiculous weight loss schemes end up with me feeling crap. Then I just give up, eat a bag of chips, scoop ice-cream straight from the tub and down a bottle of wine before looking for my next quick fix.

I don’t want to get super skinny, I just want to fit into my clothes as I can’t afford to buy new ones. My favourite jeans split up the arse last week and I fear the black pants I am wearing, as I write, are about to do the same. Soon, I’ll have to buy a sling to hold my belly up. I could carry it around like a newborn baby.

And then I saw these pants.

They claim to draw on infra-red energy rays to melt the fat away. Energy rays. Why didn’t I think of that earlier? ┬áSilly me. Here I was thinking I’d have to skip the quick fix and instead do what any healthy person does and that’s watch what I eat and exercise. I could just pop my infra-red energy ray, fat melting pants on and WHAM, instant skinny. According to a News Limited article, ads for the underwear claim it contains “ActiveBioCrystals” that “emit Far Infra Red” energy rays. These “rays” kick-start what is known as the “BioPromise effect” which melts the fat away. These claims are now the subject of a complaint to the Therapeutic Products Advertising Complaints resolution panel. Bugger. Here I was getting excited.

Looks like I’m just going to have to stop eating so much crap food after all. Or maybe I could start the baby food diet? Blended pumpkin and apple anyone?

What’s the stupidest weight loss craze that’s sucked you in?

bigwords x