Dear Mother’s Group,
It’s not you, it’s me, but I think it’s time we break up. It’s been a great five years, but my eldest girl starts school soon and now we’ve moved it’s increasingly difficult for me to make the journey up the hill regularly enough with two other children.
I also feel I am constantly reminded of my distance from you when I see dozens of Facebook updates and Instagram photos of you all hanging out together at events I am no longer invited to. I’m not blameless as I know I can’t always make stuff and often the last minute, off-handed invites are tricky for me to arrange.
So, I’ll make it easy for everyone and release you from having to feel guilty anymore and tender my resignation immediately. It seems a bit fruitless though, as you’ve been excluding me for a long time anyway.
I want you to know that individually you are all amazing, loving people who I care for deeply and have been a great support to me, and me to you, but as a group you have unwittingly acted to make me feel very alienated.
No hard feelings, I just think it will be better for me to get some closure so I no longer feel upset. I sincerely hope you have fun at your spa girls weekend and hope to catch up with you in the future as my girls really love catching up with all the kids. And my children’s happiness is my number one priority.
Thanks for being there at the toughest times of being a parent. I value our time together.
Good luck with the next journey, Mother’s Group.
Regards
bigwords xx
What was your Mother’s Group like? Did it come to a natural end or do you all still meet up?
Hi, I'm Bianca Wordley, I write about life.
I miss my MG. I was incredibly surprised how much I loved it as I’m not normally one for that type of social group. Just a brilliant bunch of mums. Sadly we moved 300kms away and only see them once a year now.
I think FB in itself makes people feel excluded. I’ve often felt stung after seeing a pic of women I thought were my pals all out together having a wowser of a time – but I wasn’t invited. I’ve discovered you just need to move on. No point letting it eat you up.
My mothers group was quite similar. I had the twins and obviously couldn’t get out and about easily with the three kids for a while, so I drifted away. It’s for the best really! I keep in touch with a few individually, but as a group, as you say, things are quite different.
I never really attended a mothers group and by the sounds of it I haven’t missed much.
I found my mother’s group a lifeline really. We weren’t particularly close but 10+ years back when I had my first child, I had no support during the day (though a very supportive partner) as most friends were working and family lived too far away. Those once a week get togethers were a life saver. We’ve gone our separate ways now, but no malice involved, just life. But I will always look back and be grateful they were there in a time I felt alone.
It really wasn’t my thing. I was the only mum that had any intention of returning to work, which immediately put me on the outer and I was also the only one that couldn’t make breastfeeding ‘work’ (cue judgemental overtones). Oh well. Glad you enjoyed it while it lasted and trust me – once your girl starts school, a whole new world will open up.
Our kids are approaching 2 and the twelve of us still meet. Two are back at work full-time, but we have them on weekends occasionally so they can come along. And a six-monthly mums’ night out!
Oh babe. Mine came to a natural close too – at about the same time as yours is – first one starts school, work impacts and the cracks show.
My “delightful” SIL was the culprit in me finally throwing in the towel.
But my original Mummy mate? From Darwin? Whose daughter is exactly the same age as Olivia? The one who moved back to Adelaide when we did? We are still as close as two peas in a pod, despite everything.
XX
I lasted 4 times. I think they are great but not for me.
Mine ended when I went back to work when Moo was six months old.
I didnt really get into the whole Mothers group thing…but can imagine how the ‘clicks’ form and you would feel alienated….some women do that really well…not my cup of tea 🙂
I made my own mothers group from people I met along the pregnancy journey. We met in birth classes, and would not have met in traditional mothers groups due to location. After a move interstate one is still a very close friend, as she and her kids & hubby live a 2 minute walk from us. We met in Hobart and now live close by in Melbourne. We would have been friends even with out the bond of new motherhood. Our children are close, boys and girls together, and Hubby & I are god parents to their youngest. The rest are nothing more than polite coverstations on facebook.
I’m impressed. A FORMAL resignation form a Mother’s Group!
I was never in a Mother’s Group, I don’t even know if there were any around back then. We did have playgroups, which is probably similar, but less structured and I only went to one of those for a month or so before giving up, as they were quite cliquey already when I joined them.
Well, frankly, I would love to have a mothers group to be with or resign from. Thankfully I met a gorgeous, kind, warm soul in the queue for the ‘baby nurse’ at our chemist. She has been a total saving grace.
I had a national newsreader (whom I still see on the telly and am saddened by the increasingly botoxed look she has now adopted), a supermodel (no shit – and I am talking BIG name here), and lots of professional career women.
Funnily enough, I am no longer in contact with any of them.
Although I subsequently have become good friends with the sister-in-law* of one of the ‘girls’ I really did like and got along with. Via the blog, not via a personal introduction.
How small a world is that?
LCM x
* Hannah at Muddling Along, just in case you were wondering
I never dived in. A mix of a longer stay in hospital for my new bone, then my father being hospitalised for months when she was just 8 weeks old. Then a sea change when Miss was 1. But mostly because of the reasons you outlined. I have this with an old group of school friends, individually they are great girls, but together they seem to naturally exclude me. Much love to you B x
I’m glad that you had the support when you needed it most B but being excluded just plain sucks! I had a similar experience with the mum’s group I was with & though I’m friendly with one of the girls and on ok enough terms with the others it’s never been a place of closeness. When Bebito was at his worst with sleep I was met with judgement at every turn. I was sad enough without the extra eyes judging me. Xxx
I’ve never really clicked with the mother’s group I was introduced to. No idea why. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I wasn’t into the baby sleep stuff routine that they all seemed to get a hang of. Maybe I only ever brought the drinks & didn’t make any food then because I was living with my in-laws or maybe they just didn’t like me. All I knew was I started being unwelcomed when one of them moved house & I wasn’t invited anymore. No hard feelings were taken, in fact I felt relieved that it happened. No more feeling obligated to be part of a group. 🙂
I’d be lost without my mums group. We meet up at different parks or people’s places each week. We have just started meeting once a fortnight for lunch without the kiddies and it has been bliss. We’ve had to weed out a few crazy’s but I think you get that everywhere. We all met up for a tupperware party last night..that ended at 230am 🙂
Hon, I went to mother’s group twice with first kid and once with second. Bunch of tossers. Found a much better group when we started playgroup & kindy. Having said that, there were still some really cliquey arseholes there too. You will find that ‘groups’ which have been brought together by your kids don’t hold as strongly as the friends you hold closest to your heart, as the kids grow and change and you move in different directions. Your true friends will still be inviting you to weekends away in 10, 20 years time, trust me. Fuck the others.
Oh Bianca, I’m feeling for you. When a few of us returned to work, ours sort of ended without a word. That was only 12 months in. To be honest, for the most part, our lives were all too different. Just having kids in common wasn’t quite enough. I have one mum I keep in contact with, but that’s it. I’m pretty happy with that outcome though.
xx
Never did the mother’s group thing. Had both my kids in Ireland, and when I was there, it wasn’t offered. To be honest, if it had been I’m not sure I would have embraced it. I dunno, something a little contrived about it. Saying that, I do know people who have found great friends through it – so maybe I’ve missed out. Then again, maybe I haven’t. x
I’ve managed to jag a great mothers group and while some are closer to others, as a group we all get along really well and have helped each other through so much including the death of a child. I currently have business calls when they meet and I’m desperate to get back to them for my own sanity… however having said that, I think I’ll be the first to pull the plug when life gets hectic. xxx
I look at my friends who still have dinner with their MG with envy – I made 1 family friend at mine, but the ones that stayed together as MG were all at home and I was working and we just didn’t get each other.
So I’d say 5 years is fantastic
My initial mothers group were ok. Not people I’d ordinarily be friends with but they were pleasant enough. I wasn’t particularly hurt when the end came. People returned to work, moved interstate … No biggie. When the remnants of our group merged with another, however, was when the real “fun” started. The group that “adopted” us loathed us. I overheard heard some particularly scathing remarks about me, my parenting style and even my then 11 month old son. At first I thought it was just me, but they had their little clique and I eventually discovered I wasn’t the only mother they had alienated. I honestly expected better of a group of women in their mid 30s. It was a relief when the one member who suggested the group merger stopped sending the meet-up emails out.
I’m guessing my mg is the exception, we still meet up regularly and this is 4 years on. Us mummys see each other everyother month for dinner. It is great dont know how I would of survived these last couple of years without them.
I never joined one. Is SO not me. I know lots of people who wouldn’t have got through without one. Maybe I needed one, but then again, I had a screaming, non sleeping, spewy baby so I just would have been the one everyone used to make themselves feel better! I had a few ‘friends’ who would ring to see how many times my son woke up the night before so they could then tell me theirs slept through, etc etc etc… You know, all that crap that some mothers bullshit themselves and others with!
I don’t like groups of women en masse, I don’t like how the default setting is to ostracise…
Enoyed reading the comments below. Miss J has just turned 1 and we have been going to mothers group but just doesnt feel real. Keep going for her sake and we dont have any support close so thought we might make some friends. I keep thinking it might change so we will see.
Great post, Bianca. Glad you put it back up.
Reading your post and all the other comments have made me realise just how lucky I’ve been with MY experience of Mothers Groups. I joined one 14 years ago after having my second son (didn’t do it after having my first baby) and around 7 of us are still friends – good friends – to this day. We go away for weekends occasionally, although not nearly enough, IMO! And I did have lunch with 4 of them to celebrate my birthday last Friday, too. 🙂
But you make a good point – Mothers groups do serve a purpose but when they’re no longer relevant to your life or the kind of support you’re after isn’t forthcoming, it’s more than okay to say goodbye. In fact, you probably should.
xx
My first ever mother’s group, we had a break-away group of four from the mothership. Saw each other about once a month. Then we each moved in a different direction from the inner west when the kids were about four and now we send a Chrissy card with a photo.
I didn’t go there with the other two. Who had the time?! x
My mothers group was great. We still try to keep in touch but as subsequent children come along and some mums return to work, families move house it has been a while. A few of us still communicate via Facebook and the occassional email and we do try to gettogether (mums only) for dinner at least once a year.
I totally believe that there are some friends who you only have in your life for a short time – possibly to get you through a rough patch, to point you in the right direction (or the wrong?). These people are important but we loose touch with them for some reason or another.
Hope you have a good support network to look after you!!
Birdie
My mothers group faded faster than my jeans! Most of the girls moved away and the rest went back to work like I did. But we had good fun. I hope I can make new mummy friends through my son’s school now that he started kindy.