Forget about the increasing number of internet trolls and bigots, there’s a new scourge taking over Australian homes – craft. What, I hear you say? How can craft be as bad as nasty, narrow-minded stupid people? Well, let me tell you.

Craft is a main contributing factor to global warming. FACT. 
Forget recycling your cardboard boxes, just take them to your local school or playgroup so your kids can bring it all back a day later with non-recyclable materials stuck all over them. Whole rain forests and egg carton tree plantations are being decimated, all for what? So little people can glue googly eyes and sprinkle glitter all over them. And don’t even get me started on glitter. These so-called “craft projects” are the single biggest cause of global warming. Trust me. Scientists need to listen.

Craft is the driving force behind rising divorce rates. FACT.
Forget about putting the dishes away and leaving the toilet seat up, craft is the biggest cause of relationship breakdowns. It just sits there like the elephant in the room, sometimes it is an actual cardboard elephant. It signifies the loss of freedom and spontaneity. Craft is a real mood killer too. Have you ever tried to have a quickie on the couch when a rogue cork with pipe cleaner antlers pokes you in the arse? And then there’s the fighting among the kids when one of them thoughtfully decorates another kid’s project. Not pretty and it’s tearing families apart.

Craft is polluting our waterways. FACT.
How many times have you been walking home from school pick-up, or popping the bags into the back of the car, when craft has flown out of your hands? Hundreds of times. Secretly, I feel relieved that it’s one less cereal box I have to squeeze onto the already craft covered, kitchen bench. However, I also feel immense guilt for the birds and fishes it is killing when it flies into our local waterways and creeks. Not to mention the fear these poor creatures must feel to have a demented robot coming at them. Craft’s a menace I tell you.

Craft is evil. FACT.
Have you seen some of the projects kids bring home from school? Seriously. I’d like to say how proud I am of my kids and go on and on about how darn talented they are, but I’d be lying. It gives kids a false sense of artistic ability. That’s simply unfair and wrong. And quite often the images are frightening. Demented eyes, crooked smiles, fur – craft is in simple terms, scary.

Craft is trying to suffocate me. FACT.
Like scenes out of a second-rate eighties horror movie, craft is actually possessed and is trying to take over every corner of my home. At night it multiplies. It slowly overtakes all clean surfaces. Wine lids with glittery tendrils, lurid coloured feathers and glitter covered cotton balls are hitching rides with paint splattered butcher’s paper and together these craft monstrosities want to kill me. They want to turn my home into a hoarder’s paradise and then slowly suffocate me.

There needs to be a cap on craft. A limit for each child needs to be agreed upon. Measures must be put in place. Soon the Government will have to introduce a Craft Tax or the world will self implode.

What are your thoughts?

bigwords x