At first I’d stand there awkwardly, shuffling my feet, looking around the room and pretending to be engrossed in what she was doing, but now I am completely in the moment. I’ve even peeked while she was in the ‘act’, but let me tell you, once was enough. I wont be doing that again. Now I can’t get the image out of my head.

Being privy to my eldest child’s toilet escapades makes me laugh and cringe. Mainly it’s her stare of utter concentration which cracks me up (no pun intended). And the accompanying strained words: “It’s coming… it’s coming out… it’s a massive one!”

For a time there, nearly four had a set back (chocolate rewards for sitting on the toilet weren’t doing the trick) and a strange new ritual commenced. We called it doing a ‘Justin Bieber’. For those of you who don’t know, Justin Bieber is an obnoxious tween singer with a shitload (ahem) of cash from singing such gems as: “Baby, baby, baby ooooohhh, my baby, baby, baby ooooooohhh.”

First, said child would walk into the loo flailing her arms around shooing away ‘Justin Bieber’ from the toilet seat. “Get out of here, Justin Bieber,” she’d giggle. “I need to do a poop.” Once finished, she’d peer into the bowl. “Hey look, I did a huge ‘Justin Bieber’,” she’d squeal. Fine at home, but hard to explain when you’re out in public and your kid starts saying loudly: “Mum, I’ve got to do a ‘Justin Bieber’.”

But alas, even her strange obsession with the mini mogul singing ‘sensation’ waned and again we began looking for new ways to make pooping fun. Actually, it was quite easy and this time not so hard to explain, Bieber’s been replaced with stickers and all is good. Still, the descriptions of her ‘deposits’ continue.

“Hey, it looks like a chevapchichi,” she said the other day. “Now, can I get a sticker?”