Just recently I read a fantastic blog entry – 15 Steps to Becoming a Blogging Rockstar – on a great blog, A Note From Lapland. It was factual, informative and just the advice I have been looking for. I have taken each word to be true – it is now my Bible of Blogging and I have decided to apply its steps to my blog. You see, I’m new to this and I want to be a blogstar. I want people to follow me. I am in such need of an ego boost, aka ‘followers’, I check my blog every half an hour to see if I have any new ones. A month ago, I didn’t know that ‘followers’ even existed. I was happy, self assured and content. Now, I’m riddled with insecurities and have developed a mild form of ‘follow me OCD’. So, before you read any further, I plead with you, if you haven’t done so already, scroll down and click the ‘follow’ button to the left of this blog.
Ok, so you’re back. I thank you. Now, let’s get on with this – How to Become a Blogstar.
1) Get a blog, make it look pretty, the cutesier the better. Ok, so I already have a blog, but from tomorrow it will change. I’m thinking pink, I’m thinking bears, I’m thinking of linking to a scrap booking site. And it will definitely have pictures of my children’s hand prints. And the name will change too. It will become – bigwords from little people, with cute faces like tiny puppies. Tales of a mummy who likes to see the sparkly-arkly side of life.
2) Don’t worry about spelling, grammar and interest content. Yep, got that covered. My grammatical powers are craptastic. As a lapsed reporter, I’ve always relied on a top-table of sub editors to check my work thoroughly, without them I struggle. That’s is obvious, just read my prior blog entries.
3) But whatever you do, don’t swear. I try. I really do. But swearing comes naturally to me. It is one of my skills and I don’t have many of them. For this post I will try and refrain from saying fuck. Ok.
4) Also don’t write about sex toys, sex, sad celebrity stalking etc. Apparently, PR companies don’t like unsanitary, booze-fuelled, potty-mouthed, sexed-up bloggers, particularly mothers. Mums do not do stuff like like and they definitely don’t blow, suck, snort, drink or “do” anything. They mother. That’s it, be motherly, do what mothers do. Ok, check. From now on, all my blogs will be about ‘motherly’ things.
5) Definitely don’t put a picture of a dildo in the middle of your page. I think A Note From Lapland took a bit of “celebrity” licence here. It was her chance to stick that big, pink, penis-shaped rubber toy right there up on her website. I would definitely not scoop that low. But, as I need people to follow me, even XXX followers would do the trick (mind the pun). And I’ve never inserted a picture into my blog before (another pun) so here goes it…
6) Come up with a lie about why you blog. Well that’s simple. I don’t even need to lie. I was born in the jungle with only a pack of lions to raise me. It was a lovely childhood. I roamed free, I ate antelope, I rolled around in the dusty soil. One day a lovely couple found me and took me into their home, teaching me how to read, write and speak. Then I met my husband and become a mother. And now that’s what I do. I mother, nothing else, just mother. I am inspirational. Not only that, I am aspirational. And soon I will be a blogstar. Even someone who was raised by a pack of lions can transform their life.
7) Stats. Learn what they are and how to read them. Live by, breathe them and check hourly. Oh man, do I know my stats. I think it’s good to get to know your stats. Because if you don’t love your own stats how will anyone else love them. Self stat love is the often the best kind.
8) Link like a pimping bitch ho, especially to famous bloggers. Ok here goes it. I am going to learn how to link right here, right now. I will even link to another blogger who tried linking for the first time recently and she hit a bullseye, with John Cusack adding a comment on her blog. She’s been blogging on and on about it, so I’ll link to her. I like to refer to her as the John Cusack stalker. And here’s another few links here, here and here. And my favourite ever.
9) Do loads of memes. Here is where I come unstuck. WTF is a meme. No time to google. You don’t get medals (or followers) for googling. Now click on the follow button – you know where it is.
10) Write about how perfect your children are. Why write about that? Everyone KNOWS my children are PERFECT. They have perfect hair, perfect smiles, perfect little hands, perfect manners, perfect sleep patterns, perfect chevapchichi-shaped poops, perfect eating habits, perfect, perfect, perfect. And it all comes down to me. Since I became a mother, I have been perfect at it. I am the perfect mother. Do no wrong. Absolute perfection.
11) Nothing is off limits. Stay tuned. I have some pretty meaty blog posts coming up. There’s one about my vagina, my friend’s vagina, her Aunt’s vagina and her Aunt’s brother-in-law who was once married to a vagina. But they had a nasty divorce, things got a bit hairy and well, it was time to move on to cleaner pastures. He is now a rug salesman, but that’s another story.
12) The best ratio for review posts to real posts is 5:1. Send me free stuff and I will review it. Anything. I have no limitations, no moral high ground here. I will review ANYTHING, as long as it means I get more followers. I’d even review the Two and a Half Men box set. And that is scooping pretty low.
13) Slag off other bloggers. This one I haven’t really got the backbone for, so leave a comment and then I’ll slag you off. It’s easier that way, then I can really target my insults. And then, I’ll comment on your blog, with a link back to me. And then I’ll tweet about it, with a link back to this blog entry. And then every four hours for two days I’ll post it on Twitter and Facebook so people will be compelled to read my blog and then they might even follow me and put a comment up and then I’ll slag them off. What goes around, comes around. Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen.
14) If anybody says anything bad about you, threaten to sue them. Ok, I’ll do that. I’ll use all the money I make from my blogtastic blog to pay for the legal costs because I am going to make a lot of moolah out of blogging. I am going to be RICH. Because everyone who blogs get rich, don’t they?
15) If you are finding the above aren’t working for you then you need to break out the big guns. Complain about how few people read your blog, how miserable your life is and that you are going to give up blogging forever. Well it’s true. If by the end of this week I haven’t reached at least 10,000 ‘followers’ I will give up. I mean, I am only blogging for ‘followers’. For NO other reason. Not for myself, not because I’ve missed writing, not because when I escape into the world of words it makes me happy. I only do it so people like me more, they show their appreciation by ‘following’ me. More ‘followers’ = more popularity. I want to be cool. I’ve never been the cool kid. I will give up blogging forever if I think no-one reads me. It will be ALL YOUR FAULT *shakes fists in the air, falls to knees and wails “why doesn’t anyone love me”*
And now I am going to add another to the list….
16) Copy and paste large sections of other much more popular blog entries and address each point, in the hope that some of their followers will then read your blog and then decide to also follow you.
Have you got any more tips for me on how to become a blogstar? I need all the help I can get.
PS: A big thank you to A Note From Lapland for your hysterically funny and helpful blog post.
You are fucking hysterical. I am already a follower, natch! I will never be a blogstar as I swear a lot about my kids while reviewing sex toys and my blog is not cute. Oh well. Hope you get your 10K followers. I don’t doubt you for a moment.
PS you on now on my blogroll for making me laugh like a bitch
Ummm John Cusack Stalker? I prefer to refer to myself as number 83,eg. he only follows 84 people and I AM NUMBER 83 *insert evil sadistic bwhahahahahaha laugh*
Don’t worry about followers, just worry about traffic, I mean I only have around 55 followers but I have 3,000,000 hits a day on the site!
right that is it! I am going to sue you for ripping off my wildly intellectual and profound post and turning it into nothing more than a dirty plea to get more readers.
Now let the slagging off commence. I’m quite good at it. I’ve had a lot of training.
I’m rather liking #16, I may have to do some of this myself…not that I need any more readers being such a superstar, ahem. But have you followed me yet? have you, have you? Have you told all your friends about me, written to your local paper about me, pimped me out from here to the end of time, have you, have you?
Not that i need your efforts of course, being so incredibly popular *sobs silently into her tea*
I’m now a follower. Please note this is not a ‘pity follow’ but a ‘you made milk come out my nose follow’. I too will one day be blogtastic… right after I feed my (perfect) child.
Hilarious! I believe you are a blogstar now! With all that perfection in your life how could you not. Standing by waiting with anticipation for all those vagina posts! Not really. 🙂
I love Two and A Half Men! Reviewing the boxset is no stooping but simply nirvana.
I am only commenting because I really need you to slag me off, nothing get web traffic going than a good bitch fest.
Bring. It. On.
Great post by the way. x
OMG how did you know? I am reviewing Two and a Half men now! Busted.
Love it! I am going to have to change my entire approach to blogging in order to follow these Rulz, and may even have to give up wine.
Nah. Never gonna happen, but I will follow you and look forward to lots of vagina posts ‘cos you’re pretty funny!
I’m screwed. I doubt there is one post on my blog without the word fuck in it. No blog rockstar for me. Thanks for the rockin’ link though superstar xx
Hilarious! Glad to see you’re following some of the key rules..though pimping your blog by linking to me is NOT going to earn you any more followers I’m afraid! Like your choice of dildo…though don’t think it’d be particularly satisfying..
I wanted to be a blogstar once, but then I fucked it up by talking about sex and making movies about vibrators. Sigh…
I’m a little confused (and yet flattered) about how my blog became the ‘blogstar’ link. Is it because I got a free bottle of ‘Glügg’ from Ikea?? I guess that totally confirms my blogstar-ness.
PS. Champagne came out my nose when I read the line about reviewing a box set of Two and A Half Men. But it’s okay, it was only that half-strength stuff so it didn’t matter.
Oooh – thanks for the linky love, hon! 🙂
You know…bloggers are the new celebrity. Just sayin’.
AWESOME post! xxx
Forget that Heather/Note in Lapland woman and take no heed of her vacuous threats.
She is bonkers. And full of hot air. And clearly in need of stronger medication.
*rummages in bag for pills*
Hey, I’m just jumping on the bandwagon cos some of my readers say you’re good. It’s not like I read your post or anything.
13) Slag off other bloggers – the best way to do this is in a passive aggressive ‘I’m not naming names way, but we all know who I’m talking about’ and then just make thinly veiled references to their blog. They’ll get all shitty and out you and while you’ll get trolled, your stats (7) will look fantastic.
Love it. I eagerly await my slag-off, and can’t wait to read next week’s ‘everybody hates me, I’m just going to quit blogging’ post.
Thanks so much everyone for commenting/following!! You all suck, but i love you anyway xx
I can only bow at such blogging greatness. I don’t have perfect kids, am not funny, don’t swear enough and am too scared to slag off other bloggers in case they hunt me down.
I’m such a failure……
I’ll comment but only because I want you and all your followers to think, “Who the fuck is that?” and hop on over to my blog so that my stats will go up and I can FINALLY get Southern Comfort to agree to sponsor every post I do from now on.
And by the way, thanks for linking to me. Yeah thanks. Oh, you didn’t, Well, then cheerio.
You said you want to review stuff. You can review my blog if you like. I can’t pay you or give you anything in exchange, except for maybe a trade in insults, which I’m not too good at either. But perhaps I could start the tirade while I’m in labour (due Thursday). I’m sure I could come up with some really vicious contraction-induced comments then… we might both get some new followers out of it.
Fabulous and hilarious post!
You’re one funny lady. I’m very glad I’m already a follower. Cue slag off. x
This is hilarious! Thanks for the laughs…
Oh dear. I don’t think I have what it takes to be a blogstar 🙁 This is a funny post big words! Saying hi from the Fibro and following (wouldn’t want to piss you off in case you start slagging me off!)
OK, I’ll follow. But only ’cause I think your header image is pretty. And you have pink font.
ps. love the post 🙂
Oh I thought you were serious …;)and I was doing all the ‘write’ things.
I don’t even want to be a blogstar.
I hope you follow me back …because I know where your blog is !
I loved this post the first time around and it’s just getting better with age!
Oh, so funny. Thanks for your ‘wisdom’. There will be people everywhere taking your advice and making millions from their blog. And, are you serious about those vagina stories? But that’s not why I followed (cough, cough). xx
Absolutely brilliant. I’m now following. J x
Snicker. It was really funny first time, now it makes me grin even more!
What the crap am I going to do? I don’t have perfect kids. They are teenagers! F it all. We all know how useless teens are, not at all cute. I’m doomed. Doomed I tell you. Maybe I can write a blog post about that and moan about how I am too old to make more children *narrows eyes* that’ll bring the followers…yeah!
I hope there’ll be pics of the vagina wedding. Oh wait — maybe not.
Also the dildo pic was freakin hilarious. I’m following you just on the strength of that.
In the words of the immortal Rolling Stones: Laugh, I nearly died!
Love that you still managed to be able to include a picture of a dildo!
I’m now running off to add more bears to my blog!
See you in Sydney! 🙂
That was hysterically funny! I do no thank you for sharing that website with me as I have just lost at least half an hour of my morning reading it! 🙂
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