I’m having “one of those days”. I’m sure you know them. Feeling sorry myself, feeling let down, left out, exhausted, frayed around the edges. When I’m like this I shut down. I reach out in my own way – a blog post, an inspirational quote on Facebook, a picture of a the sky on Instagram, some passive aggression on Twitter – stupid stupidness. I internalise EVERYTHING. I over think ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME. I swing from being very gregarious, socially active and a creative thinker to being an introvert. You can tell when I’m in my rejuvenation stage. My hair is frizzy, my make-up non-existent, my clothes frumpy – a reflection of how I see myself – fat, ugly, boring and better off alone. And you know what, when I’m feeling like this, I am better off alone. I probably wont answer your phone calls or texts. And if you do get a response it will be short and upbeat. It will be a lie.
Like everyone who lives, things have been busy as per usual. Lots of work, not much money, lots of bill paying, much juggling. A group of friends are off a girl’s trip, I couldn’t afford to go. All treats have been put on hold. Money is being squirrelled away. On the upside, we finally ate those beans which have been stashed in the back of the cupboard for months. I’m not sure I’ll be able to face the tin of sardines though and how did they even get there?
Behind closed doors, I’m wrapping myself up with my family. I’m putting the heater on. I’m bunkering down. I’m lowering my expectations. I’m beating myself up about my own failings. I have many. I’m starting at the beginning and refocusing my energy. I’m going to do something for someone else today, focus my attention on someone who’s got it far harder than me. My issues are insignificant in the world, but don’t worry I know I am not. Nothing sleep wont fix.
I know exactly what I need to do, get the fuck over myself. I’ll toughen my armour.