design-26I’ve been wanting to write a blog post for awhile, but haven’t. At first I put it down to not having the time and then I put it down to not having anything interesting to write and then I put it down to no-one really wanting to read what I’ve got to say anyway.

Blogging is a fast-paced world. As soon as you blink another gazillion new blogs have started and many of them are much shinier, instructional, visually pretty and whole lot more vanilla than my blog. It’s a crowded marketplace and if you stop blogging for a month or two suddenly everyone’s moved on to the next big thing. Not that I was ever a big thing. I’m big, like my arse is big and my “pregnant looking” belly is big, but in terms of the blogging sisterhood, bigwords has always been a small fish in a massive fish bowl.

So, recently I began thinking to myself that perhaps it was time to close this blog of mine. I mean everyone does it at least once and then they magically reappear a few months later saying “I was wrong to stop blogging”. NO, I was actually thinking that I’d run out of things to say. You know like mega, now “retired” blogger Dooce.

I’ve been feeling uneasy about it. I love my online space. I truly love it, but when you no longer think in blog posts how do you recover? How do you sit down and pour yourself onto a blank page? How have I ever felt comfortable doing it? I know it scares a lot of people around me. They simply don’t get why I do it. They are private people and it has caused divisions, not because I have ever written about them – I never would, it’s because they don’t understand my need to over share and the whole topic makes them uncomfortable. And why would people care about my personal issues anyway? For reasons unknown to me, but clear to them we don’t hang out as often. Which is fine by me.

You see while blogging is often misunderstood, it has opened up a world of amazing friendships and networks for me. It’s afforded me some amazing experiences. And without it, I probably wouldn’t be working in the job I am today. Luckily, I am able to combine my blogging life with my work life and there’s some exciting things coming up which I’m really proud of. Yet, still it doesn’t explain why I feel like I have nothing to say.

I think partly the reason I feel void of words is because I am out in the world again, working. I have work colleagues. They read my blog. I feel nervous sharing as much as I did before. Despite the fact they could easily be read a whole host of super cringeworthy blog posts I’ve written before taking up this job, I feel a little scared about sharing the insides of my slightly nutty brain now. It never bothered me in the past. It does now. I think I may have lost my nerve.

And then the more you don’t write, the less you feel people even want to read. So then topics I would’ve written about in the past somehow seem silly or boring now. I need to snap out of this malaise or soon I will wake up and all my passion for my blog will be gone. And then my blog will be gone.

I feel it slipping away from me, while all I can do is stand here helplessly screaming: “Baby please don’t go”.

I want this blog so bad. Can anyone help me break my downward spiral?

Is anyone out there?

bigwords x