With all this talk of Xmas, I decided I’d better compile a list of the Top 10 things I want this year. This list does not include health, happiness, world peace, marriage equality for all, an end to poverty and all the other “true meaning of Christmas” altruistic requests. This list is all about me. Me, me, me. I want, I want, stuff you all and your homemade cards, carol singing and matching Santa jumpers.
Let this self obsessed list of capitalism and shallowness begin.
In no particular order, I want –
1) A smaller arse and no stomach over-hang. If this has to be achieved by attaching a vacuum cleaner to the side of my body and sucking it out, then so be it.
2) To be able to go to the toilet or shower or have sex (no nothing kinky, we have a new baby in our room and yes, we do wait until she is asleep or she will be scarred for life) or eat dinner or read a book or just sit around drinking gin or * insert an activity you used to be able to do alone before children *.
3) This massive fuck-off ring, in a massive fuck-off light blue box.
4) To go and see back-to-back movies, while eating Fruchocs, popcorn and drinking coke. And I will not share them with anyone. And I will not be taking anyone to the toilet, nor will I be trying to stop anyone from climbing across chairs and running down the aisles. I am going to sit there, quietly watching the movies, eating and drinking my weight in fat. Then I will go back to the vacuum place and suck that fat out too.
5) An all expenses paid holiday to somewhere like this…
And on this holiday, I am not going to do anything for anyone, except myself. No-one is going to ask me for anything. I will not answer questions, particularly if they start with why, except of course if it is: “Why are you not drinking that incredibly expensive glass of wine and sitting back relaxing, while my team of hot, shirtless waiters rub your feet and feed you soft cheeses?”. I will not see anyone else’s poo, except my own. I will not get anyone else anything to eat, people will feed me. I will use room service. I will not get pjs out for anyone, not even me. I am going to sleep nude. I will not even pack a bag, I will just buy everything I need when I get there. I will not need much, just – food, booze, books, movies, pools, loud bars, fancy-shmantzy restaurants, art galleries, quirky coffee shops and sun-filled plazas where I will sit for hours sipping bubbles and snickering at those people with unruly children.
6) To have all of these bags.
7) A new house in a leafy suburb, right next to a park, a pub, schools, great restaurants and while we’re at it, preferably in New York.
8) To be able to wear these jeans and look hot.
9) To finally screen the movie I’ve written and directed. Matt Damon and I are playing the lead roles. It’s a love story (I’m the one on the right, going the grope).
10) And I want to win an Academy Award. These are my new friends who will be there congratulating me.
I don’t want for much Santa. I’ve been a very good girl and if you need me to be, I can be very bad.
What do you want this Xmas?
I LOVE this post – I have a very similar one rattling around in my head. Damn it, we work bloody hard at this parenting business-ME TIME is waaaayyyyy overdue in this postcode.
Hoping you get all you deserve AND MORE
Ho Ho HO
Oh the holiday would do me. So can Matt Damon. Did I just that put that in writing? Matt Daaaaaaaymon
Brilliant! I’m happy to run with the first 5!
Hilarious. Ah, I’ve never considered a day without everyone else’s needs…thanks for the laugh!
These all sound like pretty normal things to put on your wish list ;). I love the list – too funny!
oi! You nicked my list! Biatch! and get your filthy scheming hands off Matt, he’s mine!
I’ll have what she’s having. PS am getting you Go Girl xo
I want a date. x
I am in for the jeans…:)
I’m salivating for #3, #5 & #6 too. Have a great week!
Oh I want all of those things and a years worth of chocolate on demand – not sure how that will go with the skinny jeans though..!
Love your blog. Thanks for stopping by mine to say hello 🙂 I am trying to follow yours but am having issues with Google.. will keep trying to work it out! Ciao
hilarious i can see you being my new blog-stalkee lol!
Good luck with that. I’d settle for an afternoon alone with a book and a packet of Fruchocs.
All I want for Christmas are some highly impractical leopard skin booties http://tinyurl.com/2fbgps2
As long as I don’t get something similar to the deep-fat fryer my beloved husband bought me one year, I’ll be happy.
*clicks on Tiffany website…scrolls down…fuck off ring….add to basket*
Can’t wait for the December 26 post when we find out what Santa had in his sack for you. I’m thinking Matt Damon for sure. 🙂
I’m sure Santa is right onto it… x
Does world peace count??? Maybe I’ll settle for an ipad then or better yet seeing our new house underway would suit.
Now, if that doesn’t sound like the best Christmas list ever… oh how I long to have just one of those. Does that make me seem less demanding??? xx
I think you were still a little too considerate. Go on, ask for George and Brad too! 😉
Just loving it! Agreed, Tiffany would seal any deal. J x
Hiya, visiting from Weekend Rewind:) I love the ring but most of all I would like to borrow your vaccum cleaner to suck the ass/belly out when you are done!! Jen
Loved it the first time – love it more the second!
But Matt Damon’s mine – back off…..
I’ll have all of that plus an iPad. Thanks.
Oh yes please! And my breasts restored to their youthful perkiness. And no one fucking touching them. Except for maybe… oh never mind.
I’m with you on those! A housecleaner would also be good (just saying).
I want all of those please … please send the vaccuum cleaner prior to luxurious holiday which I would prefer to take with Matt Damon. xo
Love your wishes, hope you get all of them. Here for the AMB carnival.
this made me laugh. some of my choices would be different but i guess we all dream in the same lines..
and then i wake up and my son – long toilet trained now – wants to show me something :
“mami, you have to look at my poo! it’s MASSIVE!”
i guess a time machine would suit us all, Santa.
Absolutely reasonable list! lol…
LOL You made me laugh, I love your list, I want the same, except that I want to live in my own castle on the top of a hill surrounded by nature 🙂