With all this talk of Xmas, I decided I’d better compile a list of the Top 10 things I want this year. This list does not include health, happiness, world peace, marriage equality for all, an end to poverty and all the other “true meaning of Christmas” altruistic requests. This list is all about me. Me, me, me. I want, I want, stuff you all and your homemade cards, carol singing and matching Santa jumpers.
Let this self obsessed list of capitalism and shallowness begin.
In no particular order, I want –
1) A smaller arse and no stomach over-hang. If this has to be achieved by attaching a vacuum cleaner to the side of my body and sucking it out, then so be it.
2) To be able to go to the toilet or shower or have sex (no nothing kinky, we have a new baby in our room and yes, we do wait until she is asleep or she will be scarred for life) or eat dinner or read a book or just sit around drinking gin or * insert an activity you used to be able to do alone before children *.
3) This massive fuck-off ring, in a massive fuck-off light blue box.
4) To go and see back-to-back movies, while eating Fruchocs, popcorn and drinking coke. And I will not share them with anyone. And I will not be taking anyone to the toilet, nor will I be trying to stop anyone from climbing across chairs and running down the aisles. I am going to sit there, quietly watching the movies, eating and drinking my weight in fat. Then I will go back to the vacuum place and suck that fat out too.
5) An all expenses paid holiday to somewhere like this…
And on this holiday, I am not going to do anything for anyone, except myself. No-one is going to ask me for anything. I will not answer questions, particularly if they start with why, except of course if it is: “Why are you not drinking that incredibly expensive glass of wine and sitting back relaxing, while my team of hot, shirtless waiters rub your feet and feed you soft cheeses?”. I will not see anyone else’s poo, except my own. I will not get anyone else anything to eat, people will feed me. I will use room service. I will not get pjs out for anyone, not even me. I am going to sleep nude. I will not even pack a bag, I will just buy everything I need when I get there. I will not need much, just – food, booze, books, movies, pools, loud bars, fancy-shmantzy restaurants, art galleries, quirky coffee shops and sun-filled plazas where I will sit for hours sipping bubbles and snickering at those people with unruly children.
6) To have all of these bags.
7) A new house in a leafy suburb, right next to a park, a pub, schools, great restaurants and while we’re at it, preferably in New York.
8) To be able to wear these jeans and look hot.
9) To finally screen the movie I’ve written and directed. Matt Damon and I are playing the lead roles. It’s a love story (I’m the one on the right, going the grope).
10) And I want to win an Academy Award. These are my new friends who will be there congratulating me.
I don’t want for much Santa. I’ve been a very good girl and if you need me to be, I can be very bad.
What do you want this Xmas?